미국 드라마 (미드) 프렌즈 시즌 2 에피소드 3 영어 대본 /  203. The One Where Mr. Heckles Dies

CHANDLER: Hey.

MONICA: So how was Joan?

CHANDLER: I broke up with her.

CHANDLER: They were huge. When she sneezed, bats flew out of them.

RACHEL: Come on, they were not that huge.

CHANDLER: I'm tellin' you, she leaned back, I could see her brain.

MONICA: How many perfectly fine women are you gonna reject over the most superficial insignificant things?

JOEY: Hold it hold it. I gotta side with Chandler on this one. When I first moved to the city, I went out a couple of times with this girl, really hot, great kisser, but she had the biggest Adam's apple. It made me nuts.

CHANDLER: You or me?

ROSS: I got it. Uh, Joey, women don't have Adam's apples.

JOEY: You guys are messin' with me, right?

ALL: Yeah.

JOEY: That was a good one. For a second there, I was like, "whoa."

PHOEBE: You name one woman that you broke up with for a real reason.

CHANDLER: Maureen Rosilla.

ROSS: Not hating Yanni is not a real reason.

(knock)

MONICA: Hello, Mr. Heckles.

MR. HECKLES: You're doing it again.

MONICA: We're not doing anything.

MR. HECKLES: You're stomping. It's disturbing my birds.

RACHEL: You don't have birds.

MR. HECKLES: I could have birds.

MONICA: Ok, Mr. Heckles, we'll try to keep it down.

MR. HECKLES: Thank you. I'm going to rejoin my dinner party.

RACHEL: All right, bye-bye.

CHANDLER: Ok, Janice. Janice. You gotta give me Janice. That wasn't about being picky.

ROSS: We'll give you Janice.

PHOEBE: I miss Janice though. "Hello, Chandler Bing."

RACHEL: "Oh, my, god."

JOEY: "Oh, Chandler, now, now, that's it. There, faster!"

MONICA: Stop with the broom, we're not making noise.

RACHEL: We won. We won!

MONICA: Mr. Heckles.

RACHEL: How did this happen?

MR. TREEGER: He musta been sweepin'. They found a broom in his hand.

MONICA: That's terrible.

MR. TREEGER: I know. I was sweepin' yesterday. It coulda been me.ROSS: Sure, sweepin'. You never know.

MR. TREEGER: You never know.

PHOEBE: Ok, it's very faint, but I can still sense him in the building. Go into the light, Mr. Heckles!

CHANDLER: Ok, Phoebe.

PHOEBE: I'm sorry, but sometimes they need help. That's fine. Go ahead and scoff. You know, there're a lot of things that I don't believe in, but that doesn't mean they're not true.

JOEY: Such as?

PHOEBE: Like crop circles, or the Bermuda triangle, or evolution?

ROSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What, you don't, uh, you don't believe in evolution?

PHOEBE: Nah. Not really.

ROSS: You don't believe in evolution?

PHOEBE: I don't know, it's just, you know...monkeys, Darwin, you know, it's a, it's a nice story, I just think it's a little too easy.

ROSS: Too easy? Too...The process of every living thing on this planet evolving over millions of years from single-celled organisms, too easy?

PHOEBE: Yeah, I just don't buy it.

ROSS: Uh, excuse me. Evolution is not for you to buy, Phoebe. Evolution is scientific fact, like, like, like the air we breathe, like gravity.

PHOEBE: Ok, don't get me started on gravity.

ROSS: You uh, you don't believe in gravity?

PHOEBE: Well, it's not so much that you know, like I don't believe in it, you know, it's just...I don't know, lately I get the feeling that I'm not so much being pulled down as I am being pushed.

(knock)

CHANDLER: Uh-Oh. It's Isaac Newton, and he's pissed.

MR. TREEGER: There she is. And over there, that's the other one. This is Mr. Buddy Boyle, Mr. Heckles' attorney. He'd like to talk to you.

MONICA: What can we do for you?

MR. BOYLE: All right, kids. Here's the deal. According to my client's will, he wants to leave all his earthly possessions to "the noisy girls in the apartment above mine".

MONICA: Well, what about his family?

MR. BOYLE: He didn't have any.

RACHEL: Ok, so let's talk money.

MR. BOYLE: All right, there was none. Let's talk signing. You be noisy girl number one, you be noisy girl number two.

MONICA: I can't believe that this whole time we thought he hated us. I mean, isn't it amazing how much you can touch someone's life, without even knowing it?...Would you look at this dump? He hated us. This is his final revenge!

RACHEL: Have you ever seen so much crap?

CHANDLER: Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap

JOEY: Check this out. Can I have this?

ROSS: How can you not believe in evolution?

PHOEBE: Just don't. Look at this funky shirt!

ROSS: Pheebs, I have studied evolution my entire adult life. Ok, I can tell you, we have collected fossils from all over the world that actually show the evolution of different species, ok? You can literally see them evolving through time.

PHOEBE: Really? You can actually see it?

ROSS: You bet. In the U.S., China, Africa, all over.

PHOEBE: See, I didn't know that.

ROSS: Well, there you go.

PHOEBE: Huh. So now, the real question is, who put those fossils there, and why?

CHANDLER: Hey, look at this. "My Big Book of Grievances."

JOEY: Hey, there's me! April 17th. Excessive noise. Italian guy comes homes with a date. Hey Chandler, look, you're in here too.

CHANDLER: April 18th, excessive noise. Italian guy's gay roommate comes home with the dry-cleaning. Well that's excellent.

RACHEL: Monica, Monica, look at this lamp. Is this tacky or what? We have to have this.

MONICA: Rache, I think we have enough regular lamps.

RACHEL: What? Come on, it's not like I'm asking for this girly clock or anything, which, by the way, I also think is very cool.

MONICA: It doesn't go with any of my stuff.

RACHEL: Well, what about my stuff?

MONICA: You don't have any stuff.

RACHEL: You still think of it as your apartment, don't you?

MONICA: No.

RACHEL: Yes you do. You think of it as your apartment, and I'm just somebody who rents a room.

MONICA: Mmmmm.

RACHEL: Ok, while you "mmm" on it for awhile, I'm gonna go find a place for my new lamp.

ROSS: Ok, Pheebs. See how I'm making these little toys move? Opposable thumbs. Without evolution, how do you explain opposable thumbs?

PHOEBE: Maybe the overlords needed them to steer their spacecrafts.

ROSS: Please tell me you're joking.

PHOEBE: Look, can't we just say that you believe in something, and I don't.

ROSS: No, no, Pheebs, we can't, ok, because--

PHOEBE: What is this obsessive need you have to make everyone agree with you? No, what's that all about? I think, I think maybe it's time you put Ross under the microscope.

ROSS: Is there blood coming out of my ears?

JOEY: Check it out, check it out. Heckles' high school yearbook.

CHANDLER: Wow, he looks so normal.

PHOEBE: He's even kind of cute.

JOEY: "Heckles, you crack me up in science class. You're the funniest kid in school.

CHANDLER: Funniest? Heckles?

JOEY: That's what it says.

CHANDLER: Wow, Heckles was voted class clown, and so was I. He was right. Would you listen to that?

PHOEBE: I'd call that excessive.

CHANDLER: Whoa!

JOEY: What?

CHANDLER: Heckles played clarinet in band, and I played clarinet. And he was in the scale modeler's club, and I was, well, there was no club, but I sure thought they were cool.

JOEY: So, you were both dorks. Big deal.

CHANDLER: I just think it's weird, you know? Heckles and me, Heckles, and me, me and Heckles...Would you knock it off?

JOEY: Have you been here all night?

CHANDLER: Look at this. Pictures of all the women that Heckles went out with. Look what he wrote on them. Vivian, too tall. Madge, big gums. Too loud, too smart, makes noise when she eats. This is, this is me. This is what I do. I'm gonna end up alone, just like he did.

JOEY: Chandler, Heckles was a nut case.

CHANDLER: Our trains are on the same track, ok? Yeah, sure, I'm coming up 30 years behind him, but the stops are all the same. Bitter Town. Aloneville. Hermit Junction.

JOEY: All right, you know what we gotta do? We gotta get you outta here. Come on, I'll buy you breakfast, let's go.

CHANDLER: What if I never find someone? Or worse, what if I've found her, but I dumped her because she pronounced it "supposably"?

JOEY: Chandler, come on, you're gonna find somebody.

CHANDLER: How do you know that? How?

JOEY: I don't know, I'm just tryin' to help you out.

CHANDLER: You'll see, you guys are all gonna go off and get married, and I'm gonna end up alone. Will you promise me something? When you're married, will you invite me over for holidays?

JOEY: Well, I don't know. I don't know what we're gonna be doin'. I mean, what if we're at her folks' place?

CHANDLER: Yeah, I understand.

JOEY: You can come over and watch the Super Bowl. Every year, all right?

CHANDLER: You know what? I'm not gonna end up like this. I'll see you man.

JOEY: Supposably. Supposably. Did they go to the zoo? Supposably.

CHANDLER: (on phone) Hi, it's me.

JANICE: Oh, my, god.

PHOEBE: Janice? You called Janice?

CHANDLER: Yes, Janice. Why is that so difficult for you to comprehend?

ROSS: You remember Janice, right?

CHANDLER: Yes. She was smart, she was pretty, and she honestly cared about me. Janice is my last chance to have somebody.

JANICE: Helloo!!

CHANDLER: Oh, my, god!

JOEY: Geez, look how fat she got.

JANICE: Hey, it's everybody.

CHANDLER: Janice, you're--

JANICE: Yes, I am.

CHANDLER: Is it--?

JANICE: Is it yours? Ha! You wish, Chandler Bing. You are looking at a married lady now.

CHANDLER: Congratulations.

JANICE: Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry.

CHANDLER: You couldn't have told me about this on the phone?

JANICE: And what? Missed the expression on your face? Janice likes to have her fun.

MONICA: Hey, Rache. You know what we haven't played in a while?

RACHEL: What?

MONICA: Hide the Lamp.

RACHEL: Monica, let it go.

MONICA: Did you know I was allergic to shellfish?

RACHEL: Well, then, you'll just have to eat the other lamps.

PHOEBE: Uh-oh. It's Scary Scientist Man.

ROSS: Ok, Phoebe, this is it. In this briefcase I carry actual scientific facts. A briefcase of facts, if you will. Some of these fossils are over 200 million years old.

PHOEBE: Ok, look, before you even start, I'm not denying evolution, ok, I'm just saying that it's one of the possibilities.

ROSS: It's the only possibility, Phoebe.

PHOEBE: Ok, Ross, could you just open your mind like this much, ok? Wasn't there a time when the brightest minds in the world believed that the world was flat? And, up until like what, 50 years ago, you all thought the atom was the smallest thing, until you split it open, and this like, whole mess of crap came out. Now, are you telling me that you are so unbelievably arrogant that you can't admit that there's a teeny tiny possibility that you could be wrong about this?

ROSS: There might be, a teeny, tiny, possibility.

PHOEBE: I can't believe you caved.

ROSS: What?

PHOEBE: You just abandoned your whole belief system. I mean, before, I didn't agree with you, but at least I respected you. How, how, how are you going to go into work tomorrow? How, how are you going to face the other science guys? How, how are you going to face yourself? Oh! That was fun. So who's hungry?

RACHEL: I am. Let me just get my coat.

MONICA: Ok, all right. It was an accident, I swear, all right. I was putting on my jacket, and the thing, and the lamp, and it broke.

RACHEL: Oh, please, Monica. You've always hated my lamp, and then, all of a sudden, it's just magically broken?

MONICA: Phoebe, tell her!

PHOEBE: Ok, I didn't see it, because I was putting on my jacket, but I uh want to believe you.

RACHEL: Hey Chandler. Monica just broke my seashell lamp.

CHANDLER: Neat. I'm gonna die alone.

RACHEL: Ok, you win.

MONICA: Chandler, you're not gonna die alone.

CHANDLER: Janice was my safety net, ok? And now I have to get a snake.

PHOEBE: Uh huh. Why is that?

CHANDLER: If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, y=know. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout!

MONICA: You have got to get over this. You're not gonna end up alone.

CHANDLER: Of course I am. I reject anyone who's crazy enough to actually go out with me, and then I bitch about the fact that there aren't any great women out there.

RACHEL: Chandler, you have just described virtually every man that we have ever gone out with.

MONICA: You are not a freak. You're a guy.

RACHEL: She's right. She's right. You are no different than the rest of them.

MONICA: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Yes he is. You are totally different.

CHANDLER: In a bad way?

MONICA: No, honey, in a wonderful way. You know what you want now. Most guys don't even have a clue. You are ready to take risks, you are ready to be vulnerable, and intimate with someone.

RACHEL: Yeah. You're not gonna end up alone.

PHOEBE: Chandler, you called Janice! That's how much you wanted to be with someone!

MONICA: You made it!

PHOEBE: You're there!

RACHEL: You are ready to make a commitment!

CHANDLER: Whoa! Don't know about that.

RACHEL: What you got there? Something else that's not yours that you can break?

MONICA: No. Um, I know you like this, and I want you to have it. I think it'll look good in our apartment.

RACHEL: Thank you.

MONICA: That's fine.

CHANDLER: Hey. Well, you will all be pleased to know that I have a date tomorrow night. This woman, Alison, from work. She's great. She's pretty, she's smart. And uh, I've been holding off on asking her out in the past, because she has an unusually large head. But, I'm not gonna let that stuff hang me up anymore. Look at me. I'm growing.

JOEY: Hey, uh, you can't recycle yearbooks, can you?

CHANDLER: I'll take that.

JOEY: You want his yearbook?

CHANDLER: Yeah, yeah. Some people said some nice things about him. I think somebody should have it.

MONICA: Oh, gosh, this is so weird. I mean, his whole life was in this apartment, and now it's gone. You know, I think it would be nice if we just took a few moments, for Mr. Heckles. I mean, he was kind of a pain, he was, but, he was a person. You're all going to hell.

RACHEL: It's really not that big!

CHANDLER: Takin' that with you, huh?

JOEY: Oh, yeah.

ROSS: You comin'?

CHANDLER: Yeah, jus' second. Good-bye Mr. Heckles. We'll try to keep it down.

ALISON: Oh, my major was totally useless. I mean, how often do you look in the classifieds and see "Philosopher wanted"?

CHANDLER: Sure. (My god, that's a big head! It didn't look this big in the office. Maybe it's the lighting. My head must look like a golf ball at work. All right, don't get hung up on it, quick, quick, list five things you like about her: Nice smile, good dresser...Big head, big head, big head!)

END

미국 드라마 (미드) 프렌즈 시즌 2 에피소드 2 영어 대본 /  202. The One With the Breast Milk

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol and Susan are showing off Ben to the gang.]

Monica: (entering from her bedroom carrying a present) Ok, these were unbelievably expensive, and I know he's gonna grow out of them in like, 20 minutes, but I couldn't resist. (There a little pair of Nike shoes.)

Phoebe: Oh, look at these! Hey, Ben. Just do it. (Ben starts to cry) Oh my God, oh, ok, was that too much pressure for him?

Susan: Oh, is he hungry already?

Carol: I guess so. (Carol starts to breast feed Ben.)

Chandler: You know, it's... (sees the feeding taking place next to him) something funny about sneakers. I'll be right back. (Goes into the kitchen)

Joey: (joins him) I gotta get one, too.

Ross: (following them into the kitchen) What are you guys doing?

Chandler: We're just hanging out by the spoons. Ladle?

Ross: Look, would you guys grow up? That is the most natural beautiful thing in the world.

Joey: Yeah, we know, but there's a baby suckin' on it.

Ross: This is my son having lunch, ok? It's gonna happen a lot, so you'd better get used to it. Now if you have any problem with it, if you're uncomfortable, just ask questions. Carol's fine with it, now come on.

(They go back into the living room)

Ross: Carol?

Chandler: Carol? I was just wondering if Joey could ask you a question about breast-feeding?

Carol: Sure.

Joey: Uh, does it hurt?

Carol: It did at first, but not anymore.

Joey: Chandler?

Chandler: So, uh, how often can you do it?

Carol: As much as he needs.

Joey: Ok, I got one, I got one. Uh, if he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, the gang is all there.]

Julie: Rachel, do you have any muffins left?

Rachel: Yeah, I forget which ones.

Julie: Oh, you're busy, that's ok, I'll get it. Anybody else want one?

All: No thanks.

Julie: (To Rachel) Oh, you're losin' your apron here, let me get it. There you go. (Ties it back up for her)

Rachel: (to Julie) Thank you. (under her breath to Chandler) What a bitch.

Julie: Oh, listen you guys. I have this friend at Bloomingdale's who's quitting tomorrow and he wants to abuse his discount. So, anyone want to come with me and take advantage of it?

Phoebe: I can't, I have to take my grandmother to the vet.

Monica: Ok, um, I'll go with you.

Julie: Great.

Ross: (enters) Hi, honey.

Chandler: Hey, sweetums.

Ross: Hello to the rest.

All:  Hi!

Joey: Monica what're you doin'? You can't go shopping with her? What about Rachel?

Monica: It's gonna be a problem, isn't it?

Chandler: Come on, you're going to Bloomingdale's with Julie? That's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship.

Monica: But I'm...

Phoebe: Monica, she will kill you. She will kill you like a dog in the street.

Ross: (to Monica) So, uh, Jules tells me you guys are going shopping tomorrow?

Monica: Yeah, uh, it's actually not that big a deal.

Ross: It's a big deal to me. This is great, Monica. I really appreciate this.

Monica: You're welcome.

Phoebe: Woof, woof.

[Scene: A Department Store, Joey is selling men's cologne.]

Joey: (A guy walks by) Bijan for men? (Another guy walks by) Bijan for men? (Another guy walks by) Bijan for men? (An attractive woman walks by.) Hey Annabelle.

Annabelle: Hey, Joey. So did you hear about the new guy?

Joey: Who?

Annabelle: Nobody knows his name. Me and the girls just call him the Hombre man.

(The Hombre man enters.)

Hombre Man: (to a customer) Hombre? (The guy says yes, and gets his sample.)

Joey: What's he doin' in my section?

Annabelle: I guess he doesn't know.

Joey: Well, he's gonna. I'll see you a little later, ok? (To the Hombre Man) Hey, how ya doin'?

Hombre Man: Mornin'.

Joey: Listen, I know you're new, but it's kinda understood that everything from Young Men's to the escalator is my territory.

Hombre Man: Your territory, huh?

Joey: Yeah. Bijan for men?

Guy: No thanks.

Hombre Man: Hombre?

Guy: Yeah. All right. (They guy gets his sample and leaves.)

Hombre Man: (To Joey) You were saying?

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there as Monica enters.]

Monica: Phoebe, listen. You were with me, and we were shopping all day.

Phoebe: What?

Monica: We were shopping, and we had lunch.

Phoebe: Oh, all right. What did I have?

Monica: You had a salad.

Phoebe: Oh, no wonder I don't feel full.

Rachel: (entering) Hey, guys, what's up.

Phoebe: I went shopping with Monica all day, and I had a salad.

Rachel: Good, Pheebs. What'd you buy?

Phoebe: Um, we went shopping for um, for, fur.

Rachel: You went shopping for fur?

Phoebe: Yes, and then I realized I'm against that, and uh, so then we bought some, (sees Monica pointing at her chest) uh, boobs.

Rachel: You bought boobs?

Phoebe: (Monica is yanking on her bra strap) Bras! We bought bras! We bought bras.

[Scene: The Department Store, Joey is trying to sell some cologne.]

Joey: (to a guy) Bijan for men? (to a guy) Bijan for men? (To a woman) Bijan for... (Sees it's a woman and stops.) (To Annabelle who walks up.) Hey, Annabelle, Uh, listen, I was wondering if maybe after work you and I could go maybe grab a cup of coffee.

Annabelle: Oh, actually I sorta have plans.

Hombre Man: (entering) Ready, Annabelle?

Annabelle: You bet. (to Joey) Maybe some other time?

Joey: (To a co-worker) Hey, it's not the first time I lost a girl to a cowboy spraying cologne. (A customer walks by.) Bijan for men? (The customer ignores him, and Joey starts to chase him) Bijan for men?!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Carol is dropping Ben off for Ross to watch.]

Carol: Ok, and this is Funny Clown. Funny Clown is only for after his naps, not before his naps or he won't sleep.

Ross: Carol, we've been through this before, ok? We have a good time. We laugh, we play. It's like we're father and son.

Susan: Honey, relax. Ross is great with him. (Ross looks at her.) Don't look so surprised. I'm a lovely person.

Rachel: Oh, this is so cute.

Susan: Oh, I got that for him.

Ross: My mommies love me. That's clever.

Monica: Hello? Oh, Hi, Ju—(Sees Rachel is watching)—Hi, Jew! (Walks into the kitchen.) (Listens.) Uh huh? (Listens.) Uh huh? (Listens) Ok. (Listens) Um, sure, that'd be great. See ya then. Bye. (Hangs up.)

Rachel: Did you just say Hi, Jew?

Monica: Yes. Uh, yes, I did. That was my friend, Eddie Moskowitz. Yeah, he likes it. Reaffirms his faith.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler, Rachel, and Joey are eating, and Phoebe is preparing Ben's milk.]

Phoebe: Ben, dinner!

Ross: Thanks Aunt Pheebs. Hey, you didn't microwave that, did you, because it's breast milk, and you're not supposed to do that.

Phoebe: Duh, I think I know how to heat breast milk. Ok. (Squirts some on her wrist and tastes it.)

Chandler: What did you just do?

Phoebe: I licked my arm, what?

Ross: It's breast milk.

Phoebe: So?

Rachel: Phoebe, that is juice, squeezed from a person.

Joey: What is the big deal? (Tastes the breast milk.)

Chandler: What did you just do?

Ross: Ok, would people stop drinking the breast milk?

Phoebe: You won't even taste it?

Ross: No!

Phoebe: Not even if you just pretend that it's milk?

Ross: Not even if Carol's breast had a picture of a missing child on it.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, time lapse.  Rachel is entering the living room from her bedroom as Monica enters.]

Monica: Hey, where is everybody?

Rachel: They took Ben to the park. Where've you been?

Monica: Just out. Had some lunch, just me, little quality time with me. Thanks for your jacket.

Rachel: Oh, no problem. You can borrow it, by the way. (Puts her hand in the pocket) Here are your keys, hon. (She takes the keys out, sets them on the counter, and notices she also grabbed a receipt.)

Monica: Okay.

Rachel: Mon, if uh you were at lunch alone, how come it cost you uh 53 dollars?

Monica: You know what probably happened? Someone musta stolen my credit card.

Rachel: And sorta just put the receipt back in your pocket?

Monica: That is an excellent excellent question. That is excellent.

Rachel: Monica, what is with you? Who'd you have lunch with?

Monica: Judy.

Rachel: Who?

Monica: Julie.

Rachel: What?!

Monica: Jody!

Rachel: You were with Julie?

Monica: Look, when it started I was just trying to be nice to her because she was my brother's girlfriend. And then, one thing led to another and, before I knew it, we were...shopping.

Rachel: Oh. Oh my God.

Monica: Honey, wait. We only did it once. It didn't mean anything to me.

Rachel: Yeah, right.  Sure!

Monica: Really, Rachel, I was thinking of you the whole time. Look, I'm sorry, all right. I never meant for you to find out!

Rachel: Oh, please, you wanted to get caught. (Waves the receipt)

Monica: That is not true!

Rachel: Oh, so you just sort of happened to leave it in here?

Monica: Did it ever occur to you that I might just be that stupid?

Rachel: Ok, Monica. I just have to know one thing. Did you go with her to Bloomingdale's? (Monica looks away.) Oh! Ok, ok, ok, I just really, uh, I just really need to not be with you right now. (Exits.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ben is playing in his crib while Chandler and Ross are leaning against the rim and are completely asleep.]

Monica: (on the phone) Hi, who's this? (Listens) Hi, Joanne. Is Rachel working? It's Monica. (Listens) Yes, I know I did a horrible thing. (Listens) Joanne, it's not as simple as all that, ok? (Listens) No, I don't care what Steve thinks. (Listens) Hi, Steve.

(There's a knock on the door which is answered by Phoebe.)

Carol and Susan: Hey! (This wakes Chandler and Ross up)

Carol: How did we do?

Phoebe: Oh, I tasted Ben's milk, and Ross freaked out.

Ross: I did not freak out.

Carol: Why'd you freak out?

Ross: Because it's breast milk. It's gross.

Carol: My breast milk is gross?

Susan: This should be fun.

Ross: No, no, Carol. There's nothing wrong with it. I just, I just don't think breast milk is for adults.

Chandler: Of course the packaging does appeal to grown-ups and kids alike.

Carol: Ross, you're being silly. I've tried it, it's no big deal. Just taste it. (Holding out a bottle.)

Ross: (jumping away) That would be no.

Phoebe: Come on. It doesn't taste bad.

Joey: Yeah, it's kinda sweet, sorta like, uh...

Susan: Cantaloupe juice.

Joey: Exactly.

Ross: (staring at Susan) You've tasted it? You've tasted it.

Susan: Uh huh.

Ross: Oh, you've tasted it.

Susan: You can keep saying it, but it won't stop being true.

Ross: (he rolls up his sleeve) Gimme the bottle. (Joey hands him the bottle and Ross squirts some on his arm.) Gimme the towel. (Joey gives him the towel and he wipes it off.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is wiping down the peninsula counter as Joey enters dressed like a cowboy.]

Chandler: Howdy.

Joey: (sitting on the otherside of the counter from Chandler) Gimme a box a juice. Well, they switched me over to Hombre.

Chandler: Well, maybe it's because of the way you're dressed.

Joey: Or maybe it's because this guy's doing so good they wanna put more people on it. (Chandler pours some juice in a glass.) You should see this guy, Chandler, he goes through two bottles a day.

Chandler: (slides the juice across the counter which Joey catches) What do you care? You're an actor. This is your day job. This isn't supposed to mean anything to you.

Joey: I know, but, I was the best, you know? I liked being the best. (He downs the glass of juice in one swig.) I don't know. Maybe I should just get outta the game. They need guys up in housewares to serve cheese.

Chandler: (pours more and slides the refill to Joey) All right, say you do that. You know sooner or later somebody's gonna come along that slices a better cheddar. And then where're you gonna run?

Joey: Yeah I guess you're right.

Chandler: You're damn right I'm right. I say you show this guy what you're made of. I say you stand your ground. I say you show him that you are the baddest hombre west of the lingerie.

Joey: I'm gonna do it. (He downs the juice in one swig again.)

Chandler: All right. Now go see Miss Kitty and she'll fix you up with a nice hooker.

[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Rachel is cleaning up and Monica is pleading with her.]

Monica: I don't know what else to say.

Rachel: Well that works out good, because I'm not listening.

Monica: I feel terrible, I really do.

Rachel: Oh, I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife?

Monica: Rachel, (they go back inside) say that I'm friends with her, we spend some time together. Is that so terrible?

Rachel: Yes.

Monica: It's that terrible?

Rachel: Yes. Monica, you don't get it. It's bad enough that she's stolen the guy who might actually be the person that I am supposed to be with, but now, she's actually (starting to cry), but now she's actually stealing you.

Monica: Me? What are you talking about? Nobody could steal me from you. I mean, just because I'm friends with her doesn't make me any less friends with you. I mean, (starting to cry) you're my...We're, we're...Oh, I love you.

Rachel: I love you too. (They hug.)

Phoebe: You guys, um I know that this really doesn't have anything to do with me, but um I love you guys too. (Joins in on the hug.) Oh, I really needed that. (Goes and sits down.)

Monica: Look, I know that you're in a place right now where you really need to hate Julie's guts, but she didn't do anything wrong. I mean, she was just a girl who met a guy, and now they go out. I really think that if you gave her a chance, you'd like her. Would you just give that a chance, for me?

Rachel: (crying) I'd do anything for you, you know that.

Monica: (crying) I'd do anything for you. (They hug again.)

Phoebe: Wait, wait, wait, wait! (Runs over and joins in on the hug again.)

[Scene: The Department Store, Joey and the Hombre man are facing off in Joey's section.]

Joey: Mornin'. (The Hombre man ignores him) I said, mornin'.

Hombre Man: I heard ya.

Store Guy: All right, everybody, I'm openin' the doors. You boys ready?

Hombre Man: Ready.

Joey: Yeah, I'm ready.

(An old West style showdown starts with Joey and the Hombre Man staring each other down as the store guy slowly lets in the first customer while Joey and the Hombre Man get ready to draw.  In slow motion they spot the customer, eye each other, draw, and as the customer walks into the middle Joey's bottle misfires but the Hombre Man spays it into the customer's eyes.)

Customer: You idiot, you stupid cowboy, you blinded me, I'm suing!

Store Guy: Oh my god, Todd! What the hell did you do?

Hombre Man: I'm sorry. I am such a doofus. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

Annabelle: (seeing the end result) My god, what happened?

Joey: These new kids, they never last. Sooner or later, they all...stop lastin'. Listen, uh, what do you say I buy you that cup of coffee now?

Annabelle: Sure.

(They walk off into the sunset, at least a picture of one.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Julie and Rachel are sitting on the couch.]

Julie: So.

Rachel: So. I just thought the two of us should hang out for a bit. I mean, you know, we've never really talked. I guess you'd know that, being one of the two of us, though, right?

Julie: I know, I probably shouldn't even tell you this, but I'm pretty much totally intimidated by you.

Rachel: Really? Me?

Julie: Yes. Oh my god, are you kidding? Ross is so crazy about you, and I really wanted you to like me, and, it's probably me being totally paranoid, but I kinda got the feeling that maybe you don't.

Rachel: Well, you're not totally paranoid.

Julie: Oy.

Rachel: Um, ok, uh, oh god, um, when you and uh Ross first started going out, it was really hard for me, um, for many reasons, which I'm not gonna bore you with now, but um, I just, I see how happy he is, you know, and how good you guys are together, and um, Monica's always saying how nice you are, and god I hate it when she's right.

Julie: Thanks. Hey, listen, would you like to go to a movie sometime or something?

Rachel: Yeah, that'd be great. I'd love it.

Julie: I'd love it too. Shoot, I gotta go. So, I'll talk to you later.

Rachel: All right, Julie.

Julie: Bye. (Gets up.)

Rachel: Bye. (After Julie exits.) What a manipulative bitch.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, another showdown is occuring, only this time its between Ross, a plate of cookies, and the breast milk.  They've been eyeing each other for a while now, and Chandler and Joey are getting bored.  He checks his Ross and in frustration, shoves his watch in front of Ross's eyes as if saying, "Hurry it up already!"  Finally, Ross scratches his head, does that again, itches his nose, scratches his head, grabs the bottle, takes a big swig, and piles several cookies into his mouth.]

Ross: (with a mouthful) That's not bad.

End

201. The One With Ross' New Girlfriend

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is recapping last season, and as she talks we see a montague of scenes from Ross and Rachel.]

Phoebe: Ok, so this is pretty much what's happened so far. Ross was in love with Rachel since, you know, forever, but every time he tried to tell her, something kind of got in the way, like cats, and Italian guys. Finally Chandler was like "forget about her" but when Ross was in China on his dig, Chandler let it slip that Ross was in love with Rachel. She was like, "Oh my god." So she went to the airport to meet him when he came back, but what she didn't know was, that Ross was getting off the plane with another woman. Uh-Oh! So, that's pretty much everything you need to know. But, enough about us. So, how've you been?

Opening Credits

[Scene, The Airport, continued from last season, Rachel is waiting for Ross to come of the plane, when she sees he's coming off with another woman.]

Rachel: Oh my god. Oh my god. (She decides to make a break for it.) Excuse me. Move! Move! Emergency! Excuse me! (She tries climbing over a bench and falls down.)

Ross: (seeing her) Rach!

Rachel: Oh, there you are! Hi! Oh, so, so, how was China, you? (Hits him with the flowers.)

Ross: It was, it was great. Oh, what happened?

Rachel: What?

Ross: You're bleeding.

Rachel: I am? Oh, look at that, yes I am. Enough about me, enough about me, Mr. Back from the Orient. Come on. I wanna hear everything! Everything. (Looks at Julie)

Ross: Well, where do I start? This is Julie. Julie, this is Rachel.

Rachel: These are, these aren't for you. (to Julie) These are for you. (Loudly, thinking she can't speak English.) Welcome to our country.

Julie: (Loudly, proving she can speak English.) Thank you. I'm from New York.

Rachel: Ok, well, not a problem. We'll just use them to stop the bleeding. Ok. Baggage claim? Ok.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the gang is waiting for Rachel to return from the airport with Ross.]

Chandler:  No way!

Monica: I'm telling you, she went to the airport, and she's gonna go for it with Ross!

Phoebe: Oh my god. This is huge. This is bigger than huge. This is like, all right, what's bigger than huge?

Joey: Um, this?

Phoebe: Yes.

Monica: Guys, you got your hair cut.

Chandler: Yes, yes, we did, thanks to Vidal Buffay.

Phoebe: 'Cause, you know, (in that voice) if you don't look good, we don't look good. I love that voice.

Rachel: (entering, out of breath) Airport, airport. Ross, not alone, Julie, arm around her. Cramp, cramp.

Chandler: Ok, I think she's trying to tell us something. Quick, get the verbs.

(She hits Chandler.)

Rachel: (to Chandler) You, you, you said he liked me. (Ross and Julie enter) You, you slowpokes!

Ross: That's all right, Rach, we got the bags. Hi, hello. Julie, this is my sister Monica. This is Chandler.  Phoebe.  Joey, what up?

Joey: What up?!

Ross: Everyone, this is Julie.

Rachel: (out of breath) Julie.

All: Ohh. (Happily) Hi!

Julie: Hi, but I'm not here, you haven't met me. I'll make a much better first impression tomorrow when I don't have 20 hours of cab and plane on me.

Ross: And bus.

Julie: Oh my god.

Ross:  The screaming guy?

Julie:  And the spitting?

Ross: You gotta hear this story.

Julie: We're on this bus, that's easily 200 years old...

Ross: 200 at least.

Julie:  ...and this guy...

Rachel: And the chicken pooped in her lap. Oh, I'm so sorry. I just gave away the ending, didn't I? Oh! It's just, I just heard this story in the cab, and it is all I can think about.

Monica: This is amazing. I mean, how, how did this happen?

Julie: Well, Ross and I were in grad school together.

Ross: But we haven't seen each other since then. Well I land in China, guess who's in charge of the dig.

Rachel: Julie! Julie, isn't that great? I mean, isn't that just kick-you-in-the-crotch, spit-on-your-neck fantastic?

Monica: (to Julie) It's an expression.

Ross: Well, we just wanted to say a quick hi, and then we're gonna go see the baby.

Julie: And then we've gotta get some sleep.

Ross: Yeah, it's really 6:00 tomorrow night our time.

Chandler: Well, listen, don't tell us what's gonna happen though, 'cause I like to be surprised.

(Ross and Julie exit)

Rachel: Bye. (She closes the door and everyone tries to sympathize with her.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross and Chandler enter.]

Ross: Hey, Rach, can I get some coffee?

Rachel: Yeah, sure.

Ross: Thank you.

Chandler: Hey, Rach, can I get...

Rachel: Did you talk to him?

Chandler: Not yet.

Rachel: Then, no.

(He goes to sit down next to Ross.)

Chandler: So what the hell happened to you in China? I mean, when last we left you, you were totally in love with, you know.

Ross: I know, I know I was, but there was always this little voice inside that kept saying it's never gonna happen, move on. You know whose voice that was?

Chandler: God?

Ross: It was you, pal.

Chandler: Well, maybe it was God, doing me.

Ross: Look, you were right. She looks at me and sees a friend, that's all. But then I met Julie, and I don't know, we're havin' a great time. And I have to say, I never would've gone for it with her if it hadn't been for you.

Chandler: Well, you owe me one, big guy.

Rachel: (To Ross) Here's your lemonade.

Ross: I didn't order lemonade.

Rachel: Oh. Well then, you better go take that back because they're gonna charge you for that.

Ross: But...

Rachel: Go-go-go-go, come on! (Ross goes over to the counte) (to Chandler) So uh, what did you find out?

Chandler: He said...he said, he said that they're having a great time. I'm sorry. But, the silver lining, if you wanna see it, is that he made the decision all by himself!  Without any outside help whatsoever.

Rachel: How is that the silver lining?

Chandler: You have to really wanna see it.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross and the gang is watching Sumo wrestling on TV.]

Ross: Ironically, these are the guys who were picked last in gym.

[Cut to Phoebe and Monica in the kitchen.]

Monica: Pheebes, you know what I'm thinking?

Phoebe: Oh, ok. How, it's been so long since you've had sex, you're wondering if they've changed it?

Monica: No, although now that's what I'm thinking.

Phoebe: All right, so what were you thinking?

Monica: Well, I was thinking, that you gave the guys such great haircuts, I thought, maybe you'd like to do mine?

Phoebe: Ohh! No.

Monica: Why not?

Phoebe: Because, I'm just, I'm incredibly anal and an unbelievable control freak.

Monica: No you're not.

Phoebe: I know I'm not, but you are, and I was trying to spare your feelings.

(The phone rings.)

Joey: (answering the phone) Hello? Oh, hi. Yeah, hold on a second. Ross, it's Julie, for you. (Throws him the phone.)

Ross: (on phone) Hello? Hi.

Chandler: (entering) Hi. Anybody know a good tailor?

Joey: Needs some clothes altered?

Chandler: No, no, I'm just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk.

Joey: Why don't you go see Frankie? My family's been goin' to him forever. He did my first suit when I was 15. No wait, 16. No, 'scuse me, 15. (still confused) All right, when was 1990?

Chandler: Okay.  You have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance!

Ross: (on phone) Ok, ok, sweetheart, I'll see you later. Ok, bye. What? (Sits down next to Rachel) Oh, that is so sweet. No, no, ok, you hang up. Ok, ok, one, two, three. (Doesn't hang up and motions for Rachel to be quiet) Well you didn't hang up either.

Rachel: She didn't hang up either!

Ross: Ok, no, no, you hang up. You, you, y...

Rachel: (taking the phone and hanging it up) Sorry, I thought you were talking to me.

Ross: Rachel! I'll just call her back.

Rachel: Okay!

Ross: (calls Julie back) Hi?  Sorry, we got disconnected... (Walks away.)

Rachel: (to Monica) Ok, ok, ok. How did this happen to me? How did this happen to me? A week ago, two weeks ago, I was fine. Ross was just Ross, just this guy. Now he's Rrrooossss, oh, this really great guy that I can't have.

Monica: Sweetie, I wanted you to have him too.

Rachel: I know you did. I'm just gonna deal with it, I'm just gonna deal with it. (Ross comes by, smoching with Julie on the phone.) I gotta get out of here. (Exits)

Chandler: Ok, I don't care what you guys say, something's bothering her.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning.]

Joey: (to Chandler) You know, I think I was sixteen.

Monica: (to Phoebe) Please, just a little bit off the back.

Phoebe: I'm still on "no."

Rachel: (poking her head in from her bedroom) Uh, morning. Do you guys think you could close your eyes for just a sec?

Joey: No-no-no-no-no, (grabs his pants) I'm not fallin' for that again.

Phoebe: What's goin' on?

Rachel: Well, I sorta did a stupid thing last night.

Chandler: What stupid thing did you do?

Paulo: (entering from Rachel's room) Bon giorno tutti!

Phoebe: Ewww! (Gets up and walks away.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]

Rachel: Ok, Paulo, why don't you just go get dressed, and then you be on your way, ok, bye-bye. (Paulo goes into his room.)

Monica: Rachel, how did this happen?

Rachel: I don't know, I just kinda ran into him last night.

Phoebe: Where?

Rachel: At his apartment. Is this juice?

Joey: Whoa, whoa. And the fact that you dumped him because he hit on Phoebe?

Rachel: Oh God, I know I'm a pathetic loser.

Monica: Honey, you're not pathetic, you're sad.

Chandler: People do stupid things when they're upset.

Monica: My god, if I had a nickel for every guy I wish I hadn't...(Everyone looks at her), but this is about your horrible mistake.

(Ross and Julie enter.)

All: Hi!

Ross: Hi. Sorry we're late but we were—well, there was touching.

Paulo: (entering) Hey, hey Ross.

Ross: Hey, Paulo. What are you doing here?

Paulo: I do Raquel.

Ross: (to Rachel) So, uh, he's back.

Rachel: Yeah, he's back. Is that a problem?

Ross: No, not a problem.

Rachel: Good! I'm glad it's not a problem.

Phoebe: (to Paulo) Ok, you're gonna have to not touch my ass.

Chandler: Well, in spite of the yummy bagels and palpable tension, I've got pants that need to be altered.

Joey: Hey, Chandler, when you see Frankie, tell him Joey Tribbiani says hello. He'll know what it means.

Chandler: Are you sure he's gonna be able to crack that code?

Monica: (to Phoebe) You know it's funny, the last time Paulo was here, my hair was so much shorter and cuter.

Phoebe: All right. Ok, but, but!  You have to promise that you will not be all like control-y and bossy and Monica about it.

Monica: I promise.

Phoebe: All right. (Talking to Monica's hair.) Now some of you are gonna get cut, and some of you aren't. But I promise none of you are gonna feel a thing.

[Scene: Monica's bedroom, Phoebe is finishing with her haircut and Monica is whincing.]

Phoebe: All right, that's it, I quit.

Monica: What? I didn't say anything.

Phoebe: Yeah, but this (makes Monica's face) isn't the face of a person who trusts a person. Ok, this (makes Monica's face) is the face of a person who, you know, doesn't trust a person.

Monica: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Phoebe. It's just a little shorter than what we had discussed.

Phoebe: Would you relax? I know what I am doing. This is how he wears it.

Monica: How who wears it?

Phoebe: Demi Moore.

Monica: Demi Moore is not a he.

Phoebe: Well, he was a he in Arthur, and in Ten.

Monica: That's Dudley Moore. I said I wanted it like Demi Moore.

Phoebe: Oh.  Oh!

Monica: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Oh my God!

Monica: Oh my God!

Phoebe: Oh my God! I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Which one's Demi Moore?

Monica: She's the actress that was in Disclosure, Indecent Proposal, Ghost!

Phoebe: Oh, she's got gorgeous hair.

Monica: I know!

[Scene: Frank's tailor shop, Chandler is getting his pants measured.]

Frankie: How long do you want the cuffs?

Chandler: At least as long as I have the pants.

(Pause as Frankie resumes his work.)

Frankie: I just got that. Ok, now we'll do your inseam.

(He slowly measures it up his leg, and Chandler makes a rather surprised face.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is recovering from her haircut, Phoebe is playing her doctor and is coming in from the bedroom.]

Rachel: How is she?

Phoebe: It's too soon to tell. She's resting, which is a good sign.

Ross: How's the hair?

Phoebe: I'm not gonna lie to you, Ross, it doesn't look good. I put a clip on one side, which seems to have stopped the curling.

Joey: Can we see her?

Phoebe: Your hair looks too good, I think it would upset her. Ross, why don't you come on in.

Ross:  Yeah. (Gets up, but then pauses when he realizes what that meant.)

(They go into the bedroom leaving Joey and Rachel alone.)

Joey: How're you doing?

Rachel: I'm okay.

Joey: Ooh, that bad, huh?

Rachel: What?

Joey: Look, I can sense when women are depressed and vulnerable. It's one of my gifts.

Rachel: When I saw him get off that plane with her, I really thought I hit rock bottom. But today, it's like there's rock bottom, 50 feet of crap, then me.

Joey: You gotta tell Ross how you feel.

Rachel: Come on. How can I just tell him? What about Julie?

Joey: What about her? They've only been going out for two weeks. Ross has been in love with you for like 10 years.

Rachel: I don't know, I don't know.

Joey: Look, Rach, Rach! I've been with my share of women. In fact, I've been with like a lot of people's share of women. The point is, I've never felt about anyone the way Ross felt about you.

Chandler: (entering, angry) Yo, paisan! Can I talk to you for a sec? (Pause) Your tailor is a very bad man!

Joey: Frankie? What're you talking about?

Ross: (entering from the bedroom) Hey, what's goin' on? (Pats Chandler on the shoulder which causes him to jump.)

Chandler: Joey's tailor...took advantage of me.

Ross: What?

Joey: No way. I've been going to the guy for 12 years.

Chandler: Oh come on! He said he was going to do my inseam, and he ran his hand up my leg, and then, there was definite...

Ross: What?

Chandler: Cupping.

Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other side, they move it back, and then they do the rear. (Chandler and Ross stare at him) What? Ross, Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how they measure pants?

Ross: Yes, yes it is. In prison! Whatsa matter with you?

Joey: What? That's not? (Realizes) Oh my God.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later that day.  Monica is now out and about.]

Monica: Even Mary Tyler Moore would've been better.

Ross: I like it. I do, I think it's a Ten. (Chandler laughs.)

Monica: Thank you. My hair is very amused.

Chandler: Come on, Monica, things could be worse. You could get caught between the moon and New York City. I know it's crazy, but it's true.

Phoebe: (to Chandler and Ross) Thank you.

Ross: Well, I gotta go. Bye. Bye, Rach.

Rachel: (sticking her head in from the balcony) Wait, are you leaving?

Ross: Yeah, that's kinda what I meant by "bye!"

Rachel: Well, can I talk to you for a sec?

Ross: Okay. (goes out onto the balcony)

Joey: Hey, when the doctor does that hernia test...

Chandler: That's ok.

[Out on the balcony]

Ross: What's goin' on?

Rachel: Well, first of all, Paulo and I are not back together. It was just a stupid thing I did, and if I could go back in time and do it again, well, I wouldn't. Um, second of all (Ross is laughing), what?

Ross: Ok. Well, before I say anything, I just need to know, is this one of those things where you break up with a guy, and then I tell you what I think, and then the next day you get back together with the guy, and I look like a complete idiot?

Rachel: No. No-no-no-no.

Ross: Well, then, I think, I think the guy is scum. I hate him. I mean I actually—I-I physically hate him. I always have. You are way too good to be with a guy like that.

Rachel: Really?

Ross: You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you, and who gets how funny and sweet and amazing, and adorable, and sexy you are, you know? Someone who wakes up every morning thinking "Oh my god, I'm with Rachel". You know, someone who makes you feel good, the way I am with Julie. (Rachel has moved closer, but hearing that she starts to back up.) Was there a second of all?

Rachel: No, I think that was the whole all.

Ross: Okay.  Okay. (They hug.) Okay.

[Cut back inside, Joey is on the phone.]

Joey: I swear to god, Dad. That's not how they measure pants.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Julie is wanting to get her hair cut from Phoebe.]

Julie: I was thinking of doing it a little shorter, you know, like Andie McDowell's new haircut?

Phoebe: Oh yeah!  Oh, I can do that.

Julie: Really?

Phoebe: You wanna do it right now?

Julie: Great! (Julie leaves)

Phoebe: (to Rachel) Ok, I just wanna be really sure this time. Andie McDowell's the girl from Four Weddings and a Funeral, right?

Rachel: No. No no no no no. That's Rodney McDowell. Andie McDowell is the guy from Planet of the Apes.

Phoebe: Oh, yeah. Ok, thank you.

Rachel: You're welcome.

End

124. The One Where Rachel Finds Out

[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there, Ross is showing pictures of his new baby boy, Ben, to the group.]

Ross: And here's little Ben nodding off...

Monica: Awww, look at Aunt Monica's little boy!

Phoebe: Oh, look, he's got Ross's haircut!

Rachel: Oh, let me see! (grabs picture) Oh, God, is he just the sweetest thing? You must just want to kiss him all over!

(Ross is practically drooling over Rachel at this point.)

Ross: (quietly) That would be nice.

(Chandler, annoyed with Ross's fawning, makes a 'pfft' noise.)

Rachel: Pardon?

Chandler: Nothing, just a little extra air in my mouth. Pffft. Pffffffft. (walks over to where Joey is seated)

(Joey is looking at his check.)

Joey: Hey, Chan, can you help me out here? I promise I'll pay you back.

Chandler: Oh, yeah, right, OK... inlcuding the waffles last week, you now owe me... 17 jillion dollars.

Joey: I will, really. I'll pay you back this time.

Chandler: (sigh)... And where's this money coming from? (gives money to Joey)

Joey: Well... I'm helping out down at the N.Y.U. Med School with some... research.

Ross: (overhearing) What kind of research?

Joey: Oh, just, y'know.... science.

Ross: Science. Yeah, I think I've heard of that. (everyone's interest is piqued, they all look over)

Joey: (sigh)... It's a fertility study.

(Rachel laughs.)

Monica: Oh, Joey, please tell me you're only donating your time.

Joey: Alright, come on you guys, it's not that big a deal. Really... I mean, I just go down there every other day and... make my contribution to the project. Hey, hey, but at the end of two weeks, I get seven hundred dollars.

Ross: Hey.

Phoebe: Wow, ooh, you're gonna be making money hand over fist!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are preparing for a barbecue for Rachel's birthday.]

Monica: OK, we got the cole slaw, we got the buns...

Phoebe: We've got the ground-up flesh of formerly cute cows and turkeys, ew... (hands meat to Monica)

(Chandler and Joey enter with charcoal.)

Chandler: (in a deep voice) Men are here.

Joey: We make fire. Cook meat.

Chandler: Then put out fire by peeing, no get invited back.

Monica and Phoebe: Ewww!

Monica: Oh Joey, Melanie called, said she's gonna be late.

Joey: Oh, OK.

Phoebe: So how are things going with you two? Is she becoming your (provocatively) special someone?

Joey: I don't know, she's, uh.... she's pretty great.

Monica: Yeah? What does she think of your little science project?

Joey: What, you think I'm gonna tell a girl I like that I'm also seeing a cup?

Monica: Man's got a point.

Joey: Well, the tough thing is, she really wants to have sex with me.

Chandler: Crazy bitch.

Joey: Yeah, well, I still got a week left to go in the program, and according to the rules, if I want to get the money I'm not allowed to conduct any... ersonal experiments, if you know what I mean.

Monica: Joey... we always know what you mean.

[Time lapse. Chandler and Joey are making the fire, Monica and Phoebe are inside. Ross enters, carrying luggage.]

Phoebe: Hey.

Monica: Hey.

Ross: Hey. (Phoebe sees his bags)

Phoebe: How long did you think this barbecue was gonna last?

Ross: I'm going to China.

Phoebe: Jeez, you say one thing, and...

Monica: You're going to China?

Ross: Yeah, i-it's for the museum. Someone found a bone, we want the bone, but they don't want us to have the bone, so I'm going over there to try to persuade them to give us the bo—it's—it's a whole big bone thing. Anyway, I'm gonna be gone for like, uh... like a week, so, uh, if you wanna reach me, y-you can't. So here's my itinerary (hands a sheet of paper to Monica). Um... here's a picture of me... (hands it to Monica)

Phoebe: Oh, let me see! (takes the picture)

Ross: (to Monica): Could you take it to Carol's every now and then, and show it to Ben, just so he doesn't forget me?

Monica: Yeah.

(Phoebe puts the picture of Ross up to her face.)

Phoebe: Hi, Ben. I'm your father. I am... the head. Aaaaaahhhh.... (puts picture down, sees Ross staring at her) Alright, this barbecue is gonna be very fun.

Ross: Hey, is Rachel here? Um, I wanted to wish her a happy birthday before I left.

Monica: Oh no, she's out having drinks with Carl.

Ross: Oh. (pause) Hey, who's Carl?

Monica: You know, that guy she met at the coffeehouse.

Ross: No.

Phoebe: Oh, well, see, there's this guy she met at the...

Ross: At the coffeehouse, right.

Phoebe: So you do know who he is! (laughs, Ross stares at her) Sorry.

Ross: OK, I'm gonna go say goodbye to the guys.

Phoebe: Oh, hey, y'know what? Tell them that bone story.

(Ross goes outisde on the balcony.)

Ross: Hi.

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Ross: (sigh)....I have to go to China.

Joey: The country?

Ross: No no, this big pile of dishes in my mom's breakfront. Do you guys know who Carl is?

Chandler: Uh, let's see... Alvin... Simon... Theodore.... no.

Ross: Well, Rachel's having drinks with him tonight.

Joey: Oh no! How can she do that when she's never shown any interest in you?!?

Chandler: Forget about her.

Joey: He's right, man. Please. Move on. Go to China. Eat Chinese food.

Chandler: Course there, they just call it food.

Ross: Yeah... I guess. I don't—I don't know. Alright, just... just give her this for me, OK? (gives Chandler a gift for Rachel)

Joey: Listen, buddy, we're just looking out for you.

Ross: I know.

Joey: We want you to be happy. And I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man. (Joey gives Ross a hug)

Chandler: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice.

[Time lapse. Melanie, Joey's girlfriend, is there with Joey, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel. Ross is gone.]

Melanie: Anyway, that's when me and my friends started this whole fruit basket business. We call ourselves 'The Three Basketeers.'

Joey: Like the three musketeers, only with fruit.

Chandler: (sarcastic) Ooooh. (looks dumbfounded at Joey's stupidity)

Monica: (gets up) OK, how does everybody like their burgers?

Rachel: Oh, no, no, no. Presents first. Food later. (walks into living room)

(Everyone follows Rachel to the living room. Monica pulls Joey aside.)

Monica: Hey, hold on there, tiger. How's it going? How you holding up?

Joey: Well, not so good. She definitely thinks tonight is the night we're gonna... complete the transaction, if you know what I...

(Monica rolls her eyes.)

Joey: Then you do. Heh, heh.

Monica: So, uh, have you ever thought about being there for her?

Joey: What do you mean?

Monica: Y'know, just be there for her.

(Long pause... Joey looks confused.)

Joey: Not following you.

Monica: Think about it.

(They both walk over to where Rachel is opening her gifts. Rachel sees her first gift is a fruit basket.)

Rachel: OK, I'm guessing this is from...

(Melanie smiles.)

Rachel: Well, thank you, Melanie.

Chandler: (pointing out a gift) OK, this one right here is from me.

Rachel: (picks it up) OK... ah, it's light... (shakes it)...it rattles... it's... (opens it) Travel Scrabble! Oooohhh, thank you! (she gives it back to him)

(Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up another gift.)

Rachel: This one's from Joey... feels like a book. Thinks it's a book... feels like a book. And...(opens it)...it's a book!

Phoebe: Oh, it's Dr. Seuss!

Joey: (to Rachel): That book got me through some tough times.

Melanie: There is a little child inside this man!

Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die.

(Rachel picks up the next gift.)

Rachel: Who's this from?

Chandler: Oh, that's Ross's.

Rachel: Oh... (opens it)... (sees it is a pin) Oh my God. He remembered.

Phoebe: Remembered what?

Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window, and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he remembered!

Chandler: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane? (pats his Travel Scrabble game)

Phoebe: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune.

Monica: I can't believe he did this.

Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?

(Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross's crush on Rachel. You can hear this entire classic scene by clicking here.)

Rachel: What did you just say?

Chandler: (panicked) ahem... um... Crystal duck.

Rachel: No, no, no.... the, um, the... 'love' part?

Chandler: (stuttering incoherently) F-hah.... flennin....

Rachel: Oh.... my God.

Chandler: (rubbing his temples) Oh, no-no-no-no-no....

Joey: (pats Chandler on the leg) That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, continued from earlier.]

Rachel: I mean, this is unbelievable.

Phoebe: I know. This is really, really huge.

Chandler: No it's not. It's small. It's tiny. It's petite. It's wee.

Phoebe: Nuh-uh. I don't think any of our lives are ever gonna be the same ever again.

Chandler: OK, is there a mute button on this woman?

Monica: I think this is so great! I mean, you and Ross! D-did you have any idea?

Rachel: No! None! I mean, my first night in the city, he mentioned something about asking me out, but nothing ever happened, so I just... (to Joey): W-well, what else did he say? I mean, does he, like, want to go out with me?

Joey: Well, given that he's desperately in love with you, he probably wouldn't mind getting a cup of coffee or something.

Rachel: Ross? All this time? Well, I've got to talk to him. (gets up to leave)

Chandler: (quickly) H-He's in China!

Joey: The country.

Monica: No, no, wait. (checks Ross's itinerary) His flight doesn't leave for another forty-five more minutes.

Chandler: What about the time difference?

Monica: From here to the airport?

Chandler: Yes! (Rachel walks towards door) You're never gonna make it!

Monica: Rachel, what're you gonna say to him?

Rachel: I-I-I don't know.

Chandler: Well then maybe you shouldn't go.

Joey: He's right, cause if you're just gonna, like, break his heart, that's the kind of thing that can wait.

Monica: Yeah, but if it's good news, you should tell him now.

Rachel: I don't know. Maybe I'll know when I see him.

Phoebe: Here, look, alright, does this help?

(Phoebe gets up, holds the picture of Ross up to her face.)

Rachel: Noooo... look, all I know is that I cannot wait a week until I see him. I mean, this is just too big. Y'know, I just, I've just gotta talk to him. I... I gotta... OK, I'll see you later. (opens door)

Chandler: Rachel, I love you! Deal with me first! (she leaves)

[Scene: Airport, Ross has headphones on, and is listening to a 'How To Speak Chinese' tape. Occasionally, he makes an outburst in Chinese in accordance with the tape. He is getting on the jetway. The flight attendant is there.]

Ross: (something in Chinese)

Flight Attendant: Alright!

Ross: Ni-chou chi-ma! (walks onto jetway)

(Rachel runs into the airport, trying to catch Ross, moving people out of the way.)

Rachel: Ross! Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me....

(Rachel gets up to the jetway.)

Flight Attendant: Hi!

Rachel: Hi.

Flight Attendant: May I see your boarding pass?

Rachel: Oh, no, no, I don't have one. I just need to talk to my friend.

Flight Attendant: Oh, oooh. I'm sorry. You are not allowed on the jetway unless you have a boarding pass.

Rachel: No, I know, but I—he just went on. He's right there, he's got the blue jacket on, I... can I j-just...

Flight Attendant: No no no! Federal regulations!

Rachel: OK, alright, OK, um... then could you please, uh... just give him a message for me? Please? This is very important.

Flight Attendant: Alright. What's the message?

Rachel: Uh... I don't know.

[Cut to the Jetway, the flight attendant enters, walks past Ross, and approaches an older man with his wife who is also wearing a blue jacket.]

Flight Attendant: Sir? Sir? Excuse me, sir? Uh... I have a message for you.

Man: (confused) What?

Flight Attendant: It's from Rachel. She said that she loved the present, and she will see you when you get back.

Man: (to wife): Toby... Oh, for God's sake, I don't know what she's talking about! There's no Rachel! Don't give me that deep freeze.

[Scene: Joey's Bedroom, he and Melanie are in bed together.]

Melanie: Mmmmmm... Oh, Joey, Joey, Joey... I think I blacked out there for a minute!

Joey: Heh, heh. It was nothin'.

Melanie: Well, now we've gotta find something fun for you! (she starts kissing his chest)

Joey: (panicked) Uhhh.. y'know what? Forget about me. Let's, uh... let's give you another turn.

Melanie: (surprised) M-Me again?

Joey: Sure! Why not?

Melanie: Boy, somebody's gonna get a big fruit basket tomorrow.

(Joey starts to kiss her.)

Melanie: Oooh, I gotta tell you... you are nothing like I thought you would be.

Joey: How do you mean?

Melanie: I don't know, I-I guess I just had you pegged as one of those guys who're always 'me, me, me.' But you... you're a giver. You're like the most generous man I ever met. I mean... you're practically a woman.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Phoebe, and Rachel are there. Monica is holding the wrapping paper from one of Rachel's gifts.]

Monica: Uh, so, uh, Rach, uh... do you wanna save this wrapping paper, I mean, it's only a little bit torn... so are you gonna go for it with Ross or should I just throw it out?

Rachel: I don't know. I don't know... I thought about it all the way there, and I thought about it all the way back... and, uh, oh, you guys, y'know, it's Ross. Y'know what I mean? I mean, it's Ross.

Monica and Phoebe: Sure.

Rachel: I don't know, I mean, this is just my initial gut feeling... but I'm thinking... oh, I'm thinking it'd be really great.

Monica: Oh my God, me too! Oh! Oh, we'd be like friends-in-law! Y'know what the best part is? The best part is that you already know everything about him! I mean, it's like starting on the fifteenth date!

Phoebe: Yeah, but, y'know, it's... it would be like starting on the fifteenth date.

Monica: Another good point.

Phoebe: No, I mean, I mean, when you're at the fifteenth date, y'know, you're already in a very relationshippy place. Y'know, it's... you're committed.

Rachel: (confused) Huh?

Phoebe: Well, I mean, then what happens if it doesn't work out?

Monica: Why isn't it working out?

Rachel: I don't know... sometimes it doesn't.

Monica: Is he not cute enough for you?

Rachel: No!

Monica: Does he not make enough money?

Rachel: No, I'm just....

Phoebe: Maybe there's someone else.

Rachel: Wha...

Monica: Is there? Is there someone else?

Rachel: No! There is.. there is noone else!

Monica: Then why the hell are you dumping my brother?!?

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is eating breakfast, Joey quietly opens his bedroom door.]

Chandler: Hey, big...

Joey: Shhhh!

Chandler: (quietly) ...spender.

Joey: She's still asleep.

Chandler: So how'd it go?

Joey: Oh, it was amazing. You know how you always think you're great in bed?

Chandler: The fact that you'd even ask that question shows how little you know me.

Joey: Well, it's like, last night, I couldn't do the thing that usually makes me great. So I had to do all this other stuff. And the response I got... man, oh man, it was like a ticker tape parade!

Chandler: Yes, I know, as it happens my room is very very close to the parade route.

Joey: It was amazing! And not just for her... uh-uh. For me, too. It's like, all of a sudden, I'm blind. But all my other senses are heightened, y'know? It's like... I was able to appreciate it on another level.

Chandler: I didn't know you had another level.

Joey: I know! Neither did I!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, one week later. Monica is seated, Rachel comes out of her bedroom.]

Monica: Hey, great skirt! Birthday present?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Oh, from who?

Rachel: From you. I exchanged the blouse you got me.

Monica: Well, it's the thought. Hey, doesn't Ross's flight get in in a couple hours? At gate 27-B?

Rachel: Uh, yeah. Uh, Monica, y'know, honey, I've been thinking about it and I've decided this—this whole Ross thing, it's just not a good idea.

Monica: Oh, why?

Rachel: Because, I feel like I wouldn't just be going out with him. I would be going out with all of you. Oh, and there would just be all this pressure, and I don't wanna...

Monica: (gets up) No, no, no, no, no, no pressure, no pressure!

Rachel: Monica, nothing has even happened yet, and you're already so...

Monica: I am not 'so'! OK, I was a teensy bit weird at first, but... I'll be good. I promise.

(Door buzzer goes off. Rachel answers it.)

Rachel: Who is it?

Intercom: It's me, Carl.

Rachel: C'mon up.

Monica: Behind my brother's back? (Rachel glares at her) ... is exactly the kind of crazy thing you won't be hearing from me.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Chandler is seated, and the apartment is filled with baskets of fruit. Joey enters, check in hand.]

Joey: Seven hundred bucks!

Chandler: Alright, you did it! Do we have any fruit?

Joey: Man, hell of a two weeks, huh? Y'know what, though? I really feel like I learned something.

Chandler: Really? So, you're gonna stick with this 'it's all for her' thing?

Joey: What, are you crazy? When a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk around like this? (Joey closes his eyes and walks around with arms spread.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is having drinks with her date, Carl.]

Carl: I'm just sayin', if I see one more picture of Ed Begley, Jr. in that stupid electric car, I'm gonna shoot myself! I mean, don't get me wrong... I'm not against environmental issues per se.... it's just that guy!

(Rachel looks bored. At this point, Ross—a figment of Rachel's imagination— shows up on the balcony and starts talking to her.)

Ross: I can't believe you'd rather go out with him than me.

Rachel: Would you excuse me, please? I'm trying to have a date here.

Ross: Fine, just stop thinking about me.

(She tries, and Ross disappears momentarily. He reappears, standing closer to her.)

Ross: Can't do it, can you?

Rachel: So I'm thinking about you. So what?

Ross: I don't get it. What do you see in this guy, anyway?

Rachel: Well... he happens to be a very nice... guy....

Carl: I mean, come on, buddy, get a real car!

Ross: Rachel, come on. Give us a chance.

Rachel: Ross, it's too hard.

Ross: No, no, no... why, because it might get weird for everyone else? Who cares about them. This is about us. Look, I-I've been in love with you since, like, the ninth grade.

Rachel: Ross, you're like my best friend.

Ross: I know.

Rachel: If we broke up, and I lost you...

Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What makes you think we're gonna break up?

Rachel: Well, have you been involved with someone where you haven't broken up?

Ross: (pause) No. But... it only has to happen once. Look, you and I both know we are perfect for each other, right? I mean... so, the only question is... are you attracted to me?

Rachel: I don't know... I mean, I've never looked at you that way before.

Ross: Well, start looking.

(They kiss. Ross walks away, and then fades out.)

Rachel: Wow.

Carl: Exactly! And you just know I'm gonna be the guy caught behind this hammerhead in traffic!

Rachel: Right! You're right!

Carl: Heh... y'know?

Rachel: You know what?

Carl: What?

Rachel: I forgot... I am supposed to pick up a friend at the airport. I am so sorry! I'm so... if you want to stay, and finish your drinks, please do.... (gives him her drink) I mean—I'm sorry. I-I-I gotta go. I'm sorry.

(Rachel leaves.)

Carl: But...

[Scene: Airport. Madonna's Take A Bow plays in the background as Rachel waits at the gate with flowers.]

Rachel: (sifting through crowd) Excuse me, pardon me, excuse me, excuse me, sorry. Hi.

[Cut to the jetway, the old man who the flight attendant delivered Rachel's message to gets off the plane, his wife still upset with him.]

Man: For God's sake, will you let it go? There's no Rachel!

(A Chinese woman getting off the plane drops one of her bags. Ross gets off next.)

Ross: Oh, hey, hey, I got that.

(Ross picks up the bag... then he and the woman kiss.)

Julie: Oh, thanks, sweetie.

Ross: No problem. I cannot wait for you to meet my friends.

Julie: Really?

Ross: Yeah.

Julie: You don't think they'll judge and ridicule me?

Ross: No, no, they will. I just... uh...

Ross and Julie: Can't wait.

Ross: Come on, they're gonna love you.

[Cut to a close-up of Rachel, eagerly awaiting Ross's arrival... not knowing he is getting off the plane with another woman.]

End

123. The One With the Birth

[Scene: The hospital, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are in the waiting room, waiting for Carol and Susan to arrive.]

Ross: She's not here yet. She's not here. She's having my baby and she's not here.

Monica: I'm sure everything's fine. Has her water broke yet?

Ross: I don't know, but when I spoke to her, she said she had already passed the mucus plug.

(Joey makes a sound of absolute disgust.)

Joey: Do we have to know about that?

Monica: Joey, what are you gonna do when you have a baby?

Joey: I'm gonna be in the waitin' room, handing out cigars.

Chandler: Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the 50's.

Ross: God, I don't believe this. She could be giving birth in the cab.

Rachel: Oh, Ross, relax. It's probably like two dollars for the first contraction, and then fifty cents for each additional contraction.

(Everyone looks at Rachel as though she made a tasteless comment.)

Rachel: What, it's ok when Chandler does it?

Chandler: You have to pick your moments.

(Phoebe arrives, guitar in hand.)

Phoebe: Did I miss it, did I miss it?

Ross: She's not even here yet.

Monica: What's with the guitar?

Phoebe: I just thought we might be here for awhile. You know, things might get musical.

(Carol and Susan arrive.)

Ross: (to Carol) Where the hell have you been?

Susan: We stopped at the gift shop.

Carol: I was looking at stuffed animals, and Susan wanted a Chunky.

Ross: Susan wanted a Chunky. We're having a baby, ok, a baby, you don't stop for Chunkys.

Chandler: I used to have that bumper sticker.

(Everyone is amused by Chandler's comment.)

Chandler: (to Rachel) You see what I mean.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Carol's Hospital Room, Carol is on the bed, Ross and Susan are at her side.]

Ross: Stopped for a Chunky.

Carol: Let it go, Ross.

Susan: I got an extra one. You want this? (holds the candy in front of Ross' face)

Ross: (weakly) No.

(Carol's doctor, Dr. Franzblau arrives.)

Dr. Franzblau: Hey, how's my favorite parenting team doing?

Ross: Dr. Franzblau, hi.

Dr. Franzblau: So, I understand you're thinking of having a baby? Well, I see you're nine months pregnant. That's a good start. How you doing with your contractions?

Carol: Oh, I love them. Each one's like a little party in my uterus.

Susan: They're every four minutes and last 55 seconds.

Ross: 59 seconds. (holds up his watch) Quartz, ha.

Susan: Swiss quartz, ha, ha.

Carol: Am I allowed to drink anything?

Dr. Franzblau: Ice chips, just ice chips. They're at the nurses' station.

Ross: I'll get it.

Susan: No, I'm getting it. I'll be right back.

Ross: I got it—I'm getting it!

(They both leave just as Rachel enters the room, holding a cup.)

Rachel: Hi, I thought you might like some ice chips.

Carol: Thanks.

Rachel: And if you need anything else, I—(notices the handsome Dr. Franzblau)—do not believe we've met. Hi. I'm, uh, Rachel Green. I'm Carol's... ex-husband's... sister's roommate.

Dr. Franzblau: It is nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Franzblau. I'm your roommate's... brother's... ex-wife's obstetrician.

Rachel: Oh, that's funny!

[Scene: The Waiting Room, Chandler is falling asleep on Monica's shoulder.]

Monica: I want a baby.

Chandler: Mmmm. Not tonight, honey. I got an early day tomorrow.

Monica: Get up. Come on. Let's get some coffee.

Chandler: Oh, ok, 'cause we never do that.

(Chandler and Monica leave. Cut to Joey, watching the Knicks/Celtics game on television.)

Joey: (to the screen) Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot, or just fall down. That's good too.

(A young pregnant woman enters.)

Lydia: Knick fan?

Joey: Oh, yeah.

Lydia: Oh, boy, do they suck.

Joey: Hey, listen, lady....(sees that she's pregnant)...whoa.

Lydia: Look, look at your man, Ewing. Nice shot. You know what, he couldn't hit water if he was standing on a boat.

Joey: Oh yeah? And who do you like?

Lydia: The Celtics.

Joey: The Celtics? Ha. They couldn't hit a boat if...wait. They suck, alright?

Lydia: Oh, shut up. You know, it's a rebuilding year. You... waah!

Joey: Wha? Wha..aa? Let me get the father. Hey, we need a father over here! We need a father!

Lydia: There is no father.

Joey: Oh, oh, oh, sorry.

Lydia: Ok, that's ok. I'm fine. I'm... oh!

Joey: Oh, uh, ok. Right this way. All the other pregnant women seem to be goin' in here.

Lydia: Ok.

(Joey accompanies Lydia to a hospital room.)

[Scene: The Waiting Room, Phoebe is playing a song. Chandler, Monica, and Ross are there as well.]

Phoebe: (singing)

They're tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch,
and soon they'll grow up and resent you so much.
Now they're yelling at you and you don't know why,
you cry and you cry and you cry.
And you cry and you cry and you cry...

(Ross gives Phoebe a dollar.)

Phoebe: Thanks, Ross.

Ross: Yeah. I'm paying you to stop.

Phoebe: Ok.

(A woman passes by, carrying newborn twins.)

Phoebe: Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute.

Monica: No fair. I don't even have one. How come they get two?

Chandler: You'll get one.

Monica: Oh yeah? When?

Chandler: All right. I'll tell you what. When we're 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?

Monica: Why won't I be married when I'm 40?

Chandler: Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.

Monica: Ok, hypothetically, why won't I be married when I'm 40?

Chandler: No, no, no.

Monica: What is it? Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me?

Chandler: (trapped) Uh, uh.

Monica: Well?

Chandler: Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack! (throws himself over the back of the chair he was sitting in)

(Rachel enters, in a formal dress.)

Rachel: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey. Ooh, look at you, dressy-dress.

Monica: Did you go home and change?

Rachel: Yeah, well, it's an important day. I wanna look nice. Um, has uh Dr. Franzblau been by?

Monica: No, I haven't seen him.

Rachel: Well, where is he? He is supposed to be here. (Pause) What if the baby needs him?

Chandler: Rachel, what is the deal with you and doctors, anyway? Was, like, your father a doctor?

Rachel: Yeah, why?

Chandler: No reason. (turns around, makes an 'Oh my God' gesture with his eyes)

[Scene: Joey and Lydia in the hospital room. Lydia is on the phone with her mother.]

Lydia: Mom, we've been through this. No, I'm not calling him. I don't care if it is his kid, the guy's a jerk. No, I'm not alone. Joey's here. (pause) What do you mean, Joey who? (covers the phone, to Joey) Joey who?

Joey: Tribbiani.

Lydia: Joey Tribbiani. Yes, ok. Hold on. (to Joey) She wants to talk to you. Take the phone.

Joey: (takes phone) Hi, yeah, it's me. (Listens) Oh, no no no, we're just friends. (Listens) Yeah, I'm single. (Listens) 25. (Listens) An actor. (Listens) Hello?

Lydia: She's not much of a phone person.

Joey: Yeah, so, uh, so, uh, what's the deal with this father guy, I mean, if someone was havin' my baby somewhere, I'd wanna know about it, you know?

Lydia: Hey, Knick fan, am I interested in your views on fatherhood? Uh, no.

Joey: Ok, look, maybe I should just go.

Lydia: Maybe you should.

Joey: Good luck, and uh, take care, huh?

(He leaves, but then returns a moment later.)

Joey: You know what the Celtics problem is? They let the players run the team.

Lydia: Oh, that is so not true.

Joey: Oh, it is.

Lydia: It isn't.

Joey: It is.

Lydia: Isn't!

[Scene: Carol's Hospital Room, Ross and Susan are coaching Carol.]

Ross: Breathe.

Susan: Breathe.

Ross: Breathe.

Susan: Breathe.

Ross: Breathe.

Susan: Breathe.

Carol: You're gonna kill me!

Ross: 15 more seconds, 14, 13, 12...

Carol: Count faster.

Susan: It's gonna be ok, just remember, we're doing this for Jordie. Just keep focusing on Jordie.

Ross: Who the hell is Jordie?

Susan: Your son.

Ross: No-no-no. I don't have a son named Jordie. We all agreed, my son's name is Jamie.

Carol: Well, Jamie was the name of Susan's first girlfriend, so we went back to Jordie.

Ross: What? Whoa, whoa whoa whoa, what do you mean, back to Jordie? We never landed on Jordie. We just passed by it during the whole Jessy, Cody, Dylan fiasco.

Carol: Ow, ow, ow, ow, leg cramp, leg cramp, leg cramp.

Ross: I got it.

Susan: I got it.

Ross: I got it! Hey, you get to sleep with her, I get the cramps.

Susan: No, you don't.

Carol: All right, that's it. I want both of you out.

Ross: Why?

Susan: He started it!

Ross: No, you started it.

Susan: You did!

Carol: I don't care. I am trying to get a person out of my body here, and you're not making it any easier.

Ross: But...

Carol: Now go!

Ross: (to Susan) Thanks a lot.

Susan: (to Ross) See what you did.

Ross: (to Carol) Yeah, listen...

Carol: Out!

(Ross and Susan both angrily leave the hopsital room.)

[Scene: Lydia's Hospital Room, Joey is helping Lydia go through labor, a nurse is now present in her room as well.]

Nurse: Breathe, breathe, breathe...

Lydia: Oh, no.

(Joey looks down at Lydia.)

Joey: Ew! What is that? Something exploded!

Nurse: It's just her water breaking. Calm down, will you?

Joey: (panicked) Water breaking, what do you mean? What's that, water breaking?

Nurse: (to Joey) Breathe, breathe, breathe.

[Scene: The Hall, Ross and Susan are arguing.]

Ross: Please. This is so your fault.

Susan: How, how is this my fault?

Ross: Look, Carol never threw me out of a room before you came along.

Susan: Yeah? Well, there's a lot of things Carol never did before I came along.

Ross: You tryin' to be clever? A funny lady?

Susan: You know what your problem is? You're threatened by me.

Ross: Oh, I'm threatened by you?

Susan: Yes.

(Phoebe has heard them arguing and comes down the hall, taking them into a broom closet.)

Phoebe: Hey, hey, ok, all right, that's it! Get in here. Come on. My god, you guys, I don't believe you. There are children coming into the world in this very building and your negative fighting noises are not the first thing they should be hearing. So just stop all the yelling, just stop it!

Ross: Yeah, Susan.

Phoebe: Don't make me do this again, I don't like my voice like this.

(Phoebe goes to leave the room, but the door is locked.)

Phoebe: Ok, who wants to hear something ironic?

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross and Susan are trying to get out.]

All: Help!

Ross: I'm having a baby in here! Ok, everyone stand back. (Walks backwards as if he is going to break down the door, but steps in a bucket and falls) Ow.

[Scene: Carol's room, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau are there with her.]

Carol: Are they here yet?

Rachel: No, honey, they're not, but don't worry, because we are going to find them, and until we do, we are all here for you, ok?

Carol: Ok.

Rachel: Ok?

Carol: Ok.

Rachel: (to Dr. Franzblau) Ok, so anyway, you were telling me about Paris, it sounds fascinating.

Dr. Franzblau: It really was. There was this great little pastry shop right by my hotel. (Carol sits up in pain, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau casually lay her back down) There you go, dear.

[Scene: Lydia's Room, Joey is helping her deliver.]

Joey: Come on, Lydia, you can do it. Push! Push 'em out, push 'em out, harder, harder. Push 'em out, push 'em out, way out! Let's get that ball and really move, hey, hey, ho, ho. Let's— (notices the nurse looking at him strangely) I was just—yeah, right. Push! Push!

[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross has picked up a vacuum and is holding it at the door.]

Susan: What're you gonna do, suck the door open?

Ross: Help! Help!

Phoebe: (singing) They found their bodies the very next day, they found their bodies the very next...(sees Ross and Susan staring at her) la la la la la la.

Susan and Ross: (even louder) Help!

[Scene: The Waiting Room, Monica is on the phone with her mother, Chandler is standing behind her.]

Monica: Now, Mom, everything's going fine, really. (Listens) Yeah, Ross is great. He's uh, he's in a whole other place. (Listens) No, he's gone. (Listens) No no, you don't have to fly back, really. (Listens) What do you mean this might be your only chance? (Listens) Would you stop? I'm only 26, I'm not even thinking about babies yet.

(Monica sees a woman pass by with a baby, puts the phone to her chest, and starts to cry. Chandler takes the phone, makes a noise in it resembling static, and hangs up. Joey enters.)

Chandler: Where have you been?

Joey: Oh, just had a baby.

Chandler: Mazel tov!

[Scene: The Waiting Room, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau have gone to get coffee.]

Dr. Franzblau: I don't know, could be an hour, could be three, but relax, she's doing great. So, uh, tell me, are you currently involved with anyone?

Rachel: (anxiously) No, no, not at the moment, no, I'm not. Are you?

Dr. Franzblau: No, it's hard enough to get women to go out with me.

Rachel: Right, yeah, I've heard that about cute doctors.

Dr. Franzblau: No, no, really. I suppose it's because I spend so much time, you know, where I do.

Rachel: Oh.

Dr. Franzblau: I try not to let my work affect my personal life, but it's hard, when you... do what I do. It's like uh...Well, for instance, what do you do?

Rachel: I'm a waitress.

Dr. Franzblau: Ok, all right, well aren't there times when you come home at the end of the day, and you're just like, 'if I see one more cup of coffee'...

Rachel: (getting the point) Yeah. Gotcha.

Dr. Franzblau: I'm gonna go check up on your friend.

Rachel: Ok. That's fine. (takes her earrings out)

[Scene: The Hall Outside Lydia's Room, Joey is walking up to Lydia's room with balloons, but before he enters he sees that the baby's father has arrived. He listens at the door.]

Lydia: So how did you know I was even here?

Guy: Your mom called me. So is this her?

Lydia: No, this is a loaner.

Guy: I'm sorry you had to do this by yourself.

Lydia: I wasn't by myself. I had a doctor, a nurse, and a helper guy. (Joey smiles) So, did you see who won the game?

Guy: Yeah, the Knicks by 10. They suck.

Lydia: Yeah, they're not so bad.

(Joey closes the door and ties the balloons to the knob. Then he walks away, holding the hand of an inflated balloon animal he had brought.)

[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross is trying to open the door with a credit card, with no success.]

Ross: Come on, come on. Damnit, damnit, damnit, damnit. (to Susan) This is all your fault. This is supposed to be, like, the greatest day of my life, y'know? My son is being born, and I should be in there, you know, instead of stuck in a closet with you.

Susan: The woman I love is having a baby today. I've been waiting for this just as much as you have.

Ross: No no no, believe me. No one has been waiting for this as much as I have, ok? And you know what the funny thing is? When this day is over, you get to go home with the baby, ok? Where does that leave me?

Susan: You get to be the baby's father. Everyone knows who you are. Who am I? There's Mother's Day, there's Father's Day, there's no... Lesbian Lover Day.

Ross: Every day is Lesbian Lover Day.

Phoebe: This is so great.

Ross: You wanna explain that?

Phoebe: I mean, well, 'cause when I was growing up, you know my dad left, and my mother died, and my stepfather went to jail, so I barely had enough pieces of parents to make one whole one. And here's this little baby who has like three whole parents who care about it so much that they're fighting over who gets to love it the most. And it's not even born yet. It's just, it's just the luckiest baby in the whole world. (pause) I'm sorry, you were fighting.

[Scene: Carol's Room, she is ready to give birth. Everyone is there except for Phoebe, Ross, and Susan, who are in the broom closet.]

Carol: Where are they?

Monica: I'm sure they'll be here soon.

Rachel: Yeah, honey, they wouldn't miss this.

Joey: Relax. You're only at nine centimeters. And the baby's at zero station.

Chandler: (to Joey) You are really frightening me.

(Carol suddenly screams in pain and grabs Chandler by the shirt.)

Chandler: Somebody wanna help me, tryin' to rip out my heart. (they pull her hand off of him) Uh, that's great. (looking around) Anybody seen a nipple?

Dr. Franzblau: All right, ten centimeters, here we go.

Nurse: All right, honey, time to start pushing.

Carol: But they're not here yet!

Dr. Franzblau: I'm sorry, I can't tell the baby to wait for them.

Carol: Oh, god.

[Scene: The Broom Closet, Ross has used a broom to open the air vent in the ceiling. Phoebe is wearing a janitor's uniform, ready to go up in the vent.]

Ross: Ok, got the vent open.

Phoebe: (reading the nametag on the uniform) Hi, I'm Ben. I'm hospital worker Ben. It's Ben... to the rescue!

Ross: Ben, you ready? All right, gimme your foot. Ok, on three, Ben. One, two, three. Ok, That's it, Ben.

(Ross and Susan lift Phoebe up into the vent.)

Susan: What do you see?

Phoebe: Well, Susan, I see what appears to be a dark vent. Wait. Yes, it is in fact a dark vent.

(A janitor opens the closet door from the outside.)

Ross: Phoebs, It's open! It's open!

(Ross and Susan run to the delivery room, leaving Phoebe dangling from the vent.)

Janitor: (to Ross and Susan) Wait! You forgot your legs!

[Scene: Carol's Room, Ross and Susan rush in.]

All: Push, push!

Ross: We're here!

Carol: (irked) Where have you been?

Ross: Long story, honey.

Dr. Franzblau: All right, Carol, I need you to keep pushing. I need—(reaches for an instrument, Rachel's hand is on it) Excuse me, could I have this?

Nurse: All right, all right, there's a few too many people in this room, and there's about to be one more, so anybody who's not an ex-husband or a lesbian life partner, out you go!

All: Good luck!

(Everyone heads for the door.)

Chandler: (to nurse) Let me ask you, do you have to be Carol's lesbian life partner?

Nurse: Out!

Dr. Franzblau: All right, he's crowning. Here he comes.

Ross: Let me see, I gotta see, I gotta see. Oh, a head. Oh, it's, it's huge. Carol, how are you doing this?

Carol: (straining) Not.... helping!

Dr. Franzblau: You're doing great, you're doing fine.

Ross: (puts his head near the baby) Hello! (to Dr. Franzblau) Oh, sorry.

Susan: What do you see? What do you see?

Ross: We got a head, we got shoulders, we got arms, we got, oh, look at the little fingers, oh, and a chest, and a stomach. It's a boy, definitely a boy! All right! Ok, legs, knees, and feet. Oh, oh. He's here. He's a person.

Susan: Oh, look at that.

Carol: What does he look like?

Ross: Kinda like my uncle Ed, covered in Jell-o.

Carol: Really?

Phoebe: (from the air vent overhead) You guys, he's beautiful!

Ross: Oh, thanks, Pheebs!

(They look up towards the vent and wave at Phoebe.)

[Scene: The Delivery Room, Carol is holding the infant.]

Susan: No shouting, but we still need a name for this little guy.

Ross: (thinking) How 'bout Ben?

Susan: I like Ben.

Carol: Ben. Ben. Ben's good. How come you never mentioned Ben before?

Ross: We uh, we just cooked it up.

Susan: That's what we were off doing.

(Monica opens the door.)

Monica: Hi.

Ross: Hey.

Monica: Can we come in?

(The whole gang enters.)

Ross: (to Ben) I know, I know. Everybody, there's someone I'd like you to meet. Yeah. This is Ben. Ben, this is everybody.

Phoebe: Susan, he looks just like you.

Susan: Thanks.

Rachel: Oh, god, I can't believe one of us actually has one of these.

Chandler: I know, I still am one of these.

Monica: Ross, can I?

(Monica holds Ben.)

Ross: The head, the head. You gotta...

Monica: (getting choked up) Hi, Ben. Hi. I'm your Aunt Monica. Yes I am. I'm your Aunt Monica. I...I will always have gum.

Closing Credits

[Scene: The Hospital, the camera is placed as though it were Ben's eyes.]

Ross: Ben, I want you to know that there may be some times when I may not be around, like this. (walks out of the picture) But I'll still always come back, like this. (returns) And sometimes I may be away longer, like this. (walks away) But I'll still always come back, like this. (returns)

(Chandler comes into the picture.)

Chandler: And sometimes, I'll want you to steal third, and I'll go like this. (Does a baseball sign.)

(The rest of the group come into the picture.)

Monica: He is so amazing.

Rachel: Oh, I know. Look at him.

Joey: Ben, Ben, hey Ben. Nothing. I don't think that's his name.

Phoebe: Oh, look, look, he's closing his eyes. (screen goes blank) Look, he's opening his eyes. (picture comes back)

Joey: He doesn't do much, does he?

Ross: No, this is pretty much it.

(long moment of silence)

Rachel: You guys wanna get some coffee?

All: Yeah.

Ross: All right, I'll see you guys later.

(They all leave but Ross, but they all come back a few seconds later. They make faces at the baby.)

Phoebe: Oh, look, he's closing his eyes again.

(The screen fades to black.)

End

122. The One With the Ick Factor

(Scene: Central Perk. Everyone is there.)

Monica: Tell him.

Rachel: No.

Phoebe: Tell him, tell him.

Monica: Just...please tell him.

Rachel: Shut up!

Chandler: Tell me what?

Monica: Look at you, you won't even look at him.

Chandler: (sarcastically) Oh, come on tell me. I could use another reason why women won't look at me.

Rachel: All right, all right, all right. Last night, I had a dream that, uh, you and I, were...

Phoebe: Doing it on this table. (points at the table)

Chandler: Wow!

Joey: Exellent dream score.

Ross: Why, why, why would you dream that?

Chandler: More importantly, was I any good?

Rachel: Well, you were pretty damn good.

Chandler: Interesting, cause in my dreams, I'm allways surprisingly inadequate. (Monica pats him on his lap)

Rachel: Well, last night you seemed to know your way around the table.

Ross: I love it, when we share.

(Ross goes over to the counter. Chandler follows him.)

Chandler: You're okay there?

Ross: I can't belive you two had sex in her dream.

Chandler: I'm sorry, it was a one-time-thing. I was very drunk and i was somebody else's subconscious.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier, Chandler is sitting on the table.]

Chandler: Hello Rachel.

Rachel: Get off.

Phoebe: (points at Joey's pen) Uh, uh, gimme. Can you see me operating a drill press?

Joey: I don't know. What are you wearing?

(Chandler, Monica and Phoebe looks at him)

Ross: Pheebs, why would you want to operate a drill press?

Phoebe: Just for some short-term-work. You know, until I get back some of my massage clients.

Chandler: Pirates again?

Phoebe: No, nothing like that. I was just...such a dummie. I taught this "massage-yourself-at-home-workshop." And they are.

Joey: Hey, hey, Chan. She could work for you.

Chandler: (sarcasticly) Thanks Joey, that's a good idea.

Phoebe: What... I could, I could do it. What is it?

Chandler: Well, my secretary is gonna be out for a couple of weeks. She is having one of her boobs redused. (Ross looks at her.) It's a whole big boob story.

Phoebe: I could be a secretary.

Chandler: Well, you know Phoebs. I don't know if it's your kinda thing, because it involves a lot of being normal. For a large portion of the day.

Phoebe: I could do that.

(Ross's beeper goes off)

Rachel: What are you playing with?

Ross: Oh, it's my new beeper.

Joey: What the hell does a paleontologist need a beeper for?

Monica: Is it like for dinosaur emergencies. 'Help, come quick, they're still extinct.'

Ross: No, it's for when Carol goes into labor. She can get me wherever I am. I mean, all she has to do is to dial 55-JIMBO.

Chandler: A cool phone number, and a possible name for the kid.

Monica: All right, I'll see you guys later. (raises)

Rachel: Off to see young Ethan?

Monica: Thank you.

Joey: How young is young Ethan? Young?

Monica: He's... our age.

Chandler: When we were?

Monica: Okay, he's a senior in college.

Ross: College?

Chandler: Whoa! And this manchild has no problem with how old you are?

Monica: No, of course not. It's not even an issue. Cause I told him I was 22.

All: What?

Monica: Oh, I can't pass for 22?

Phoebe: Well, maybe 25-26.

Monica: I am 26.

Phoebe: There you go.

[Scene: Chandler's office, he and Phoebe are there when the phone starts ringing.]

Chandler: Can you hear that?

Phoebe: (plays with a thumbtack remover) Yeah?

Chandler: See that'll stop when you pick up the phone.

Phoebe: Oh. Uh, I'm on. (picks up the phone)

Phoebe: (with a deep voice) Mr. Bing's office. (Listens) No I'm sorry, he's in a meeting right now.

Chandler: I'm not in a meeting. I'm right... Whoops.

Phoebe: Will he know what this is in reference to? (Listens) And he has your number? (Listens) All right, I'll see that he gets the message. Bye bye.

Chandler: What?

Phoebe: Ross says hi.

Chandler: Ah!

Phoebe: This is so fun. All right, what do we do now?

Chandler: Well, now, I actually have to get to work.

Phoebe: Most likely. (raises and goes toward the door) Okay, I'm gonna be out there.

Chandler: Okay.

Phoebe: All right. Bye bye.

Chandler: Bye bye.

(The intercom buzzes)

Chandler: (answering it) Yes?

Phoebe: Whatcha doin'?

Chandler: Ooh. (leans against the desk)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Rachel are there. Monica is just finishing cleaning the windows.]

Monica: Windows are clean, candels are lit. Uh, belt's to tight, gotta change the belt. Did I turn the fish? (goes over to the kitchen to check on the dinner) No, cause I made lasagne. (to Rachel) Am I out of control?

Rachel: Just a touch. Mon, I don't understand. I mean, you've been dating this guy since like, what... his midterms? I mean, why all the sudden are you so... Oh.

Monica: What?

Rachel: Could tonight be the Night?

Monica: I don't know. Look he's a great guy and I love being with him but... you know. Things happen, and they happen. You don't plan these things.

Rachel: So, did you shave your legs?

Monica: Yeah.

Rachel: A-ha!

[Scene: Central Perk. Joey and Ross are there.]

Joey: Would you let it go Ross. It was just a dream. It doesn't mean...

(Ross's beeper goes off)

Ross: Oh, oh. Oh, oh. Oh this is it. Oh my god it's baby time. Baby time.

Joey: All right, relax, relax. Just relax, just relax. Be cool, be cool.

(Ross dials a number on his cellular phone)

Ross: (on phone) Yeah, hi, I was just beeped. (pause) No, Andr?is not here. (to Joey) Third time today. (on phone) Yes, I'm sure... No, sir. I don't perform those kind of services.

Joey: Services? (Ross looks at him) Oh, services.

Ross: (on phone) Yeah, you want 55-JUMBO. Yeah, that's right. That's right, JUMBO with a U, sir. (pause) No, belive me, you don't want me. Judging by his number, I'd be a huge disappointment. (pause) All rightie, bye bye.

(Phoebe and Chandler enter)

Joey: Hey, hey. How was the first day?

Phoebe: Oh, exellent. Everyone was so, so nice.

Chandler: See, it pays to know the man who wears my shoes. (Joey and Ross wonder what he means) Me.

Phoebe: No, I didn't tell anybody that I knew you.

Chandler: Why not?

Phoebe: Oh, because, you know... they don't like you.

Chandler: What?!

Phoebe: I thought you knew that.

Chandler: Noho. Who doesn't they like me?

Phoebe: Everyone. Except for uh... no everyone.

Chandler: What are you talking about?

Phoebe: Don't feel bad. You know they used to like you a lot. But then you got promoted, and, you know, now you're like "Mr. Boss Man". You know, Mr. Bing. Mr. Bing, "Boss Man Bing".

(Joey and Ross laughs)

Chandler: I can't belive it.

Phoebe: Yeah, yeah. They even do you.

Chandler: They do me?

Phoebe: You know like... uh okay... uh... 'Could that report be any later?'

(Joey and Ross laughs)

Chandler: I don't sound like that.

Ross: Oh, oh Chandler...

Joey: Oh... Yeah, you do.

Ross: 'The hills were alive with the sound of music.'

(Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs)

Joey: (reaches for hi scones) My scones.

Phoebe, Joey, and Ross: 'My scones.'

(Phoebe, Joey and Ross laughs again)

Chandler: Okay, I don't sound like that. That is so not true.

(Joey and Chandler laughs)

Chandler: That is so not... That is so not... That... Oh, shut up!

(Phoebe, Joey and Ross laugh)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Young Ethan are sitting in the couch.]

Monica: Did not.

Young Ethan: I am telling you, up until I was, like nine, I thought that gunpoint was an actual place where crimes happen.

Monica: How was that possible?

Young Ethan: Well, think about it. It's always on the news. 'A man is being held up, at gunpoint.' 'Tourists are being terrorised, at gunpoint.' And I just kept thinking: why does people continue to go there? (He checks his watch.) Oh, ah. I should go.

Monica: Okay.

(They kiss)

Young Ethan: Okay.

Monica: Unless...

Young Ethan: What?

Monica: Uh, ah. Unless you wanna stay over? I mean, I'm going to, so...

Young Ethan: Yeah, I'd really like that.

(They kiss)

Young Ethan: Uuh, before we get into any staying-over-stuff, there is something you should know.

Monica: Okay, is this like 'I have an early class tomorrow' or 'I'm secretly married to a goat?'

Young Ethan: Well it's somewhere in between. You see, in a strictly technical sense, of course, I'm not uh..., well I, I mean I haven't ever uh...

Monica: Ethan?

Young Ethan: Yeah?

Monica: Are you a virgin?

Young Ethan: Well, if that's what you kids are calling it these days then, yes I am. I uh, I've kinda been waiting for the right person.

Monica: Really?

Young Ethan: Yeah. You do know I was talking about you, right?

(They kiss)

[Time lapse. They are now in Monica's bedroom, on the bed.]

Young Ethan: Wow!

Monica: You keep saying that.

Young Ethan: You know, you read about it, you see it in the movies. Even when you practice it at home, man oh man, it is nothing like that.

(They kiss)

Monica: Listen, uh, you told me something that was really difficult for you. And I, I-I figured if you could be honest, then I can to.

Young Ethan: Oh god, don't tell me, I did it wrong.

Monica: No-no. Nothing wrong about that.

Young Ethan: Oh.

Monica: Um, okay, here it goes. I'm not 22. I'm, I'm 25... and thirteen months.

Young Ethan: Huh!

Monica: But I figured, you know, that shouldn't change anything. I mean, what the hell does it matter how old we are.

(They kiss)

Young Ethan: Uh, listen um, as long as we're telling stuff, uh, I have another one for you. I'm a little younger than I said.

Monica: You're not a senior?

Young Ethan: Oh, I'm a senior... in High School.

Monica: Ok...ay.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica's Bedroom, continued from earlier.]

Monica: What we did was wrong. Oh god, I just had sex with somebody that wasn't alive during the Bicentennial.

Young Ethan: I just had sex.

Monica: Ethan, focus. How could you not tell me?

Young Ethan: Well, you never told me how old you were.

Monica: Well, that's different. My lie didn't make one of us a felon in 48 states. What were you thinking?

Young Ethan: I wasn't thinking. I was too busy fallin'...

Monica: Don't say it. (closes Ethan's mouth with her hand)

Young Ethan: ...in love with you.

Monica: Really?

Young Ethan: (nods) Sorry.

Monica: Well,fall out of it. You know, you shouldn't even be here, it's a school night. Oh god, oh god. I'm like those women that you see with shiny guys named Chad. I'm Joan Collins.

Young Ethan: Who?

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone exept Monica is there.]

Ross: (on phone) Okay, Andr?should be there in like 45 minutes. All rightie, bye bye. (to Phoebe) Just easier that way.

Chandler: Oh, come on. You told me about the last dream.

Rachel: No, forget it.

Chandler: Oh, why not. Was I doing anything particularly... saucy?

Rachel: All right, fine. Um, you were not the only one there. (Camera fades to Ross, who's listening very carefully) Joey was there too.

Joey: All right. (Moves closer.)

Ross: Was there...uh, huh, huh, huh... andybody, anybody else there.

Rachel: No.

Ross: You're sure? Nobody uh, handed out uh, mints or anything?

Rachel: No, it was just the three of us.

Ross: Huh!

Joey: So, tell me. Was it like you and Chandler, and then you and me, or you and me and Chandler?

Rachel: (laughs) You know what?

Joey: What?

Rachel: There were times when it wasn't even me.

(Chandler and Joey laughs, until they look at each other then recoil in horror.)

Phoebe: That is so sweet, you guys. (hugs them)

(Monica enters, wearing a walkman, so she doesn't hear what the others say)

Ross, Rachel, and Phoebe: Hey, Mon.

Rachel: Mon, Ethan called again. Mon?

All: (shouting) Mon!

(Monica takes of her walkman)

Monica: What?

Rachel: Ethan called again.

Monica: Oh.

Ross: Are you not seeing him anymore?

Monica: No. You know, sometimes just things doesn't work out.

Chandler: And this has nothing to do with the fact that he needs a note to get out of gym.

(Monica stares at Rachel)

Rachel: I, I didn't say any... I sw... I did not say anything, I swear. He stopped by.

Joey: Listen, the next time you talk to him, can you ask him which one the strongest Power Ranger is?

(Ross and Chandler laughs)

Ross: Oh, yeah.

Monica: Ha,ha, ha, oh my life is just so amusing. Could we drop it now?

Joey, Chander, and Ross: Sorry.

Ross: It's morphin time!

Joey: Stegosaurus!

Chandler: Tyrannosaurus!

(They all cross they're arms like the Power Rangers do)

Phoebe: Ooh, oh, I've gotta go. (raises) Whoa, oh, head rush. One more, and then I have to go. (sits down, and then raises again) Cool!

Rachel: Where are you going?

Phoebe: Um, oh, I've got a birthday party, with some work people.

Chandler: Work people? Nobody told me.

Phoebe: No, I know. That's a part of the whole, you know, them-not-liking-you-extravaganza.

Chandler: You know, I don't get this. A month ago, these people were my friends. You know, just because I'm in charge doesn't mean I'm a different person.

Phoebe: Well, then you should come tonight. You know, just hang out with them. Let them see what a great guy you still are.

Chandler: You think I should?

Phoebe: I really do, yeah.

Chandler: Okay.

Phoebe: Okay.

Chandler: Okay.

Phoebe: Oh, but, could we not go together? I,I don't wanna be the geek that invited the boss.

[Scene: Chandler's office, he and Phoebe are taking a break from work.]

Chandler: I Think last night was great. You know, the Karaoke thing. Tracy and I doing Ebony and Ivory.

Phoebe: You were great. But they still made fun of you.

Chandler: What?

Phoebe: You know, now you're more like, you know like, "Mr. Caring Boss," "Mr.", you know, "I'm one of you, Boss," "Mr., I wanna be your buddy, Boss Man Bing!"

Chandler: Then, I don't get it.

Phoebe: Well, you know what Chandler? I think you've gotta face it. You're like, the guy in the big office, you know. You're the one that hires them, that fires them... They still say you're a great boss.

Chandler: They do?

Phoebe: Uh huh. But they're not your friends anymore.

Chandler: I just wan't to...

Phoebe: No, but you can't.

Chandler: But I just wa...

Phoebe: Uh uh.

[Scene: Central Perk. Everyone exept Phoebe and Chandler is there. Ross's beeper goes off and everyone exept him react.]

Monica: Aren't you gonna...

Ross: Oh, Carol and I have a new system. If she punches in 911, it means she's having a baby, otherwise I just ignore it.

Joey: What about Andr?

Ross: Oh, well this morning he got a call from who I think was our cousin Nathan, and frankly, it was a little more than I needed to know.

(Ethan enters)

Young Ethan: Hey.

Monica: That was gonna be my opener.

Rachel: (understands that Monica and Ethan wanna be alone) Hey, did you guys check out those new hand-dryers in the bathroom?

Ross: I thought that was just a rumour.

Rachel: True story.

Joey: They're here already?

(Rachel, Ross and Ross go to the bathroom)

Young Ethan: All right, look. I've gotta tell you something. I'm not 17. I only said so that you'd think I was cute and vunerable. I'm actually 30, I have a wife, I have a job, I'm your Congressman. Monica, this is ridiculous, we're great together. We can talk, we make each other laugh, and the sex. Oh, man, okay i have no frame of graft, but I thought that was great.

Monica: It was.

Young Ethan: Then, what's the problem?

Monica: Ethan, it's um... it's icky.

Young Ethan: Icky? You're actually gonna throw this away because it's icky?

Monica: This isn't easy for me either. I wish things were different, I... If you were a few years older, or if I was a few years younger, or if we lived in biblical times, I would really...

Young Ethan: No, don't say it. (closes Monica's mouth with his hand)

Monica: ...love you.

(Ross, Rachel and Joey come back from the bathroom. They discover that Monica and Ethan aren't finished talking to each other yet.)

Ross: Are you're hands still wet?

Joey: Uh, moist, yeah.

Rachel: Let's dry 'em again.

(They go to the bathroom again)

[Scene: A hall on the floor where Chandler works. Chandler and Phoebe enters, and overhears some employees's conversation. One of them is doing Chandler.]

Gerston: Uh, like, could these margaritas be any stronger? (They discover that Chandler is listening) Hey, Chandler.

Santos: Hello, Mr. Bing.

Petrie: Loved your Stevie Wonder last night.

Chandler: Thanks. Listen, about the weekly numbers, I'm gonna need them on my desk by nine o'clock.

Santos: Sure.

Gerston: No problem.

(They go away, trying very hard not to laugh at Chandler)

Chandler: You have to give 'em something, you know. Okay, now that was Gerston, Santos, and who's the guy with the moustache?

Phoebe: Petrie.

Chandler: Petrie, right, right. Okay, some people gonna be working this weekend.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is watching TV, but turns it off, and Rachel is sleeping on the couch. Ross puts a blanket over her.]

Rachel: (talking in her sleep) Oooooooooh. (Rachel strokes her hand over the pillow. Ross mimicks her silently) Oh, that's nice. Oh, oh. Huh, Ross!

(Ross gets all excited and starts to dance on the coffee table, but slips allmost immediatly, and falls onto the couch. Rachel wakes up.)

Rachel: Ross?

Ross: I'm here.

Rachel: You are. Well, um... We, we, we were just...  Wow!

Ross: What? (his beeper goes off) Great, now I'm having a baby.

Rachel: What?

Ross: Ooh, Ooh.

Rachel: What?

Ross: I'm having... I'm having a baby. (jumps back onto the table again) I'm having a... Where's the phone? The phone?

Rachel: I don't know where the phone is.

(Ross runs from the table, over the couch but slips and falls onto the floor)

Rachel: Ross?

Ross: I'm hurt.

Closing Credits

[Scene: The Hallway, Ross is eagerly waiting for the others to get ready, to go to the hospital.]

Ross: Monica, let's go. Come on now people, woman in labor.

(Chandler struts out from his apartment)

Chandler: (doing a little dance) Hey Ross, look what I've got going here.

Ross: Yeah, save it for the cab, okay.

(Rachel comes out from their apartment with a mirror and a lipstick in her hands)

Ross: What are you doing? We're going to a hospital.

Rachel: What, so I can't lokk nice? There might be doctors there.

Ross: Joey, get out of the fridge.

Joey: All right, all right. (he comes out from their apartment with a huge sandwich in his hand)

Ross: What is that? (refering to the sandwich)

Joey: For the ride.

Chandler: Yeah, like in a cab...

Ross: Save it.

Chandler: Okay, hating this.

Ross: Monica, come on now. Let's go, baby coming.

(Monica enters from their apartment, crying)

Monica: I can't belive it, I'm gonna be an aunt. I'm gonna have like a nephew.

Ross: That's nice. Get out Let's go, come on.

Joey: All right, I'm going. I'm going.

(They all go down the stairs, but Ross turns around, looking like his in a coma. The others also turns around to get him.)

Chandler: Here we go, here we go.

Rachel: Rossy, Rossy.

End

121. The One With The Fake Monica

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is looking at papers.]

Joey: How could someone get a hold of your credit card number?

Monica: I have no idea. But look how much they spent!

Rachel: Monica, would you calm down? The credit card people said that you only have to pay for the stuff that you bought.

Monica: I know. It's just such reckless spending.

Ross: I think when someone steals your credit card, they've kind of already thrown caution to the wind.

Chandler: Wow, what a geek. They spent $69.95 on a Wonder Mop.

Monica: That's me.

Phoebe: Oh! The yuk! Ross, he's doing it again! (Points to a lamp which is shaking behind the sofa)

Ross: Marcel, stop humping the lamp! Stop humping! Now Marcel, come back- (Marcel runs toward Rachel's room) come here, Marcel-

Rachel: Oh no, not in my room! I'll get him.

Monica: Ross, you've got to do something about the humping.

Ross: What? It's, it's just a phase.

Chandler: Well, that's what we said about Joey...

Ross: Would you all relax? It's not that big a deal.

Rachel: (Out of shot) Stop it! Marcel! Bad monkey!

Ross: What?

Rachel: Let's just say my Curious George doll is no longer curious.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, late at night Monica is still examining her bill as Rachel emerges from her room.]

Rachel: Oh, Monica. You are not still going over that thing.

Monica: This woman's living my life.

Rachel: What?

Monica: She's living my life, and she's doing it better than me! Look at this, look. She buys tickets for plays that I wanna see. She, she buys clothes from stores that I'm intimidated by the sales people. She spent three hundred dollars on art supplies.

Rachel: You're not an artist.

Monica: Yeah, well I might be if I had the supplies! I mean, I could do all this stuff. Only I don't.

Rachel: Oh, Monica, c'mon, you do cool things.

Monica: Oh really? Okay, let's compare, shall we.

Rachel: (Yawning) Oh, it's so late for 'Shall we'...

Monica: Do I go horseback riding in the park? Do I take classes at the New School?

Rachel: (Yawning) Nooo...

Monica: This is so unfair! She's got everything I want, and she doesn't have my mother.

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey and Chandler are discussing stage names.]

Chandler: How about Joey... Pepponi?

Joey: No, still too ethnic. My agent thinks I should have a name that's more neutral.

Chandler: Joey... Switzerland?

(The waitress brings their coffee.)

Joey: Plus, y'know, I think it should be Joe. Y'know, Joey makes me sound like I'm, I dunno, this big. (Waitress looks at him funny) Which I'm not.

Chandler: Joe...Joe...Joe...Stalin?

Joey: Stalin...Stalin...do I know that name? It sounds familiar.

Chandler: Well, it does not ring a bell with me...

Joey: (Writes it down) Joe Stalin. Y'know, that's pretty good.

Chandler: Might wanna try Joseph.

(Joey visibly thinks 'Of course!' and writes it down.)

Joey: Joseph Stalin. I think you'd remember that!

Chandler: Oh yes! Bye Bye Birdie, starring Joseph Stalin. Joseph Stalin is the Fiddler on the Roof.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is there as Phoebe and Rachel enter.]

Rachel: Hey.

Phoebe: Hey.

Monica: Hi. (On the phone) Hi, uh, yes, this is Monica Geller. Um, I believe I'm taking some classes with you and I was wondering what they were.

Phoebe: What are you doing?

Monica: (Hushes her) Alright, great. Thanks a lot. (Hangs up) I'm going to tap class.

Rachel: What, what, so that you can dance with the woman that stole your credit card?

Monica: This woman's got my life, I should get to see who she is.

Rachel: Go to the post office! I'm sure her picture's up! ...Okay, Monica, y'know what, honey, you're kinda losing it here! I mean, this is really becoming like a weird obsession thing.

Phoebe: This is madness. It's madness, I tell you, for the love of God, Monica, don't do it!! ...Thank you.

[Scene: A Tap Class, the girls are standing at the door.]

Monica: What d'you think?

Phoebe: Lotsa things.

(They go in and sit down.)

Rachel: Which one do you think she is?

(The teacher comes up to them.)

Teacher: May I help you?

Monica: Oh, no thanks, we're just here to observe.

Teacher: You don't observe a dance class. You dance a dance class. Spare shoes are over there.

Rachel: What does she mean?

Phoebe: I think she means (Imitates) 'You dance a dance class'. Oh, c'mon, c'mon. (They put on some spare shoes)

Monica: Okay, d'y'see anybody you think could be me?

Teacher: (To the class) People! Last time there were some empty yoghurt containers lying around after class. Let's not have that happen again!

Rachel: She could be you.

(Music starts)

Teacher: Let's get started. Five, six, a-five six seven eight...

(Everyone starts to dance in unison. Monica flounders)

Monica: Okay, I'm not getting this!

Phoebe: (Dancing in a swirly, Phoebe kind of way) I'm totally getting it!

Monica: Did you ever feel like sometimes you are just so unbelievably uncoordinated?

(Rachel taps into view; she is in perfect sync with the rest of the class)

Rachel: What? You just click when they click.

Teacher: Alright people, now everyone grab a partner.

(The girls are unsure how to pair off. Phoebe settles it)

Phoebe: Okay. And, my, dead, mother, says, you, are, it. I'm with Rachel.

Monica: Great. It's gym class all over again.

Phoebe and Rachel: Aww.

Teacher: Well that's all right, you can come up to the front and dance with me.

Monica: Why don't I just take off my clothes and have a nightmare.

(She starts to walk very slowly toward the front of the room. The teacher grabs her hand and pulls her. Suddenly a woman bursts in)

Woman: It's okay, it's okay, I'm here, I'm here. Sorry I'm late, okay, here I am. Who's the new tense girl?

Teacher: She's your partner.

Woman: Hi. I'm Monica.

Monica: Oh. Monica! ...Hi. I'm Mo- ...nana.

Woman: (Fake Monica) Monana?

Monica: Yeah. It's Dutch.

Fake Monica: You're kidding! I-I spent three years in Amsterdam. (Asks her something in Dutch)

Monica: Um, Pennsylvania Dutch.

Teacher: And we're dancing. A-five, six, seven, eight...

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is entering.]

Ross: (Mortified) Hi.

Chandler and Joey: Hey.

Joey: Where've you been?

Ross: At the vet.

Chandler: She's not gonna make you wear one of those big plastic cones, is she?

Ross: She says Marcel's humping thing's not a phase. Apparently he's reached sexual maturity.

Joey: (To Chandler) Hey! He beat ya.

Ross: She says as time goes on, he's gonna start getting agressive and violent.

Chandler: So what does this mean?

Ross: I'm gonna have to give him up.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, scene continued from earlier.  They guys are sitting there like the Three Monkeys.]

Joey: I can't believe it, Ross. This sucks!

Chandler: I don't get it, I mean, you just got him. How can he be an adult already?

Ross: I know. I know. I mean, one day, he's this little thing, and before you know it, he's this little thing I can't get off my leg.

Joey: Isn't there any way you can keep him?

Ross: No, no. The vet says unless he's in a place where he has regular access to some... monkey lovin,' he's just gonna get vicious. I've just gotta get him into a zoo.

Joey: How do you get a monkey into a zoo?

Chandler: I know that one! ...No, that's Popes into a Volkswagen.

Ross: Well, we're applying to a lot of them. Naturally our first choice would be one of the bigger state zoos, y'know, like, uh, San Diego... right? But that might just be a pipe dream, because, y'know, he's out of state. Uh, my vet, uh, knows someone at Miami, so that's a possibility.

Chandler: Yeah, but that's like two blocks away from the beach. I mean, it's a total party zoo.

(Phoebe, Monica, and Rachel enters.)

Phoebe: Hey. We found her, we found the girl.

Chandler: What?

Joey: Did you call the cops?

Rachel: Nope. We took her to lunch.

Chandler: Ah. Your own brand of vigilante justice.

Ross: What?! Are you insane? This woman stole from you. She stole. She's a stealer.

Monica: Y'know what? After you're with this woman for like ten minutes, you forget all that. I mean, she is this astounding person, with this, with this amazing spirit.

Ross: Yeah, which she probably stole from some cheerleader.

Chandler: ...Take off their hats!

Phoebe: Popes in a Volkswagen! ...I love that joke.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica, Rachel and Fake Monica are there.]

Rachel: No way. No way did you do this.

Fake Monica: Monana was very brave.

Monica: It was so wild. We told them we were the Gunnersens in room six fifteen. Only to find out the Boston Celtics had taken over the entire sixth floor!

Fake Monica: So once they caught on to the fact that we're, y'know, short and have breasts...

Monica: ...They threw us out! I was thrown out of a hotel! Me!

Rachel: Go Monana! Well, you ladies are not the only ones living the dream. I get to go pour coffee for people I don't know. Don't wait up. (Exits)

Fake Monica: Oh, by the way, tomorrow we're auditioning for a Broadway show.

Monica: 'Scuse me?

Fake Monica: There's an open call for Cats. I'm thinking we go down there, sing Memories and make complete fools of ourselves. Whaddya say?

Monica: Nononononono. Think who you're dealing with here. I mean, I'm not like you. I-I can't even stand in front of a tap class.

Fake Monica: Well, that's just probably 'cause of your Amish background.

Monica: What?

Fake Monica: Well, you're Pennsylvania Dutch, right?

Monica: Right. Till I bought a blow dryer, then I was shunned.

Fake Monica: I-I used to be just like you. And then one day I saw a movie that changed my life. Did you ever see Dead Poets' Society?

Monica: Uh-huh.

Fake Monica: I thought that movie was so incredibly... boring. I mean, that thing at the end where the kid kills himself because he can't be in the play? What was that?! It's like, kid, wait a year, leave home, do some community theatre. I walked out of there and I thought, 'Now, that's two hours of my life that I'm never getting back.' And that thought scared me more than all the other crap I was afraid to do.

Monica: Wow. Then I would definitely not recommend Mrs. Doubtfire.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, tiem lapse.  Everyone but Joey and Monica are there.]

Ross: (Reading letters) Oh God. (To Marcel) We didn't get into Scranton. (To the others) That was like our safety zoo. They take like dogs and cows. See? I don't know who this is harder on, me or him.

Phoebe: I'd say that chair's taking the brunt.

Ross: Marcel! Marcel! Marcel, no! Good boy. See, how can nobody want him?

Rachel: Oh, somebody will.

Joey: (entering) You know there already is a Joseph Stalin?

Chandler: You're kidding.

Joey: Apparently he was this Russian dictator who slaughtered all these people. You'd think you would've known that!

Chandler: Y'know, you'd think I would've.

Joey: Phoebe. Whaddyou think a good stage name for me would be?

Phoebe: ...Flame Boy.

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is talking to Dr. Baldhara, a zookeeper.]

Ross: Where exactly is your zoo?

Dr. Baldhara: Well, it's technically not a zoo per se, it's more of an interactive wildlife experience. Let me ask you some questions about, is it, uh, Marcel?

Ross: Yes.

Dr. Baldhara: Does he, uh, fight with other animals?

Ross: No-no, he's, he's very docile.

Dr. Baldhara: Even if he were... cornered?

Ross: Well I, I don't know. Why?

Dr. Baldhara: Uh, how is he at handling small objects?

Ross: He can hold a banana, if that's whatcha mean...

Dr. Baldhara: How about a hammer, or a small blade?

Ross: Why- why- why would he need a blade?

Dr. Baldhara: Well, if he's up against a jungle cat or an animal with horns, you've got to give the little guy something. Otherwise it's just cruel.

(Chandler and Joey burst in, with Marcel)

Chandler and Joey: He- he- he got in, he- he got in to San Diego.

Joey: We, we come back from our walk and the- the phone was ringing...

Chandler: ...He's in.

Ross: He's in! Oh, did you hear that, Marcel? San Diego. San Diego!

Dr. Baldhara: You're making a big mistake here. I mean, San Diego's all well and good, but if you give him to me, I'll start him off against a blind rabbit and give you twenty percent of the gains.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is dusting. She comes to the table, lifts all the magazines and wipes under them, then just puts them down again. Monica bursts in, obviously drunk.]

Monica: Yo- hooo!

Rachel: Where the hell've you been?

Monica: Monica and I just crashed an embassy party.

Rachel: Are you drunk?!

Monica: Noooo! (Comes closer and whispers) I'm lying. I am so drunk.

Rachel: Oh God, oh. Great, Monica, y'know what, you could've called, I have been up here, I've been worried...

(Monica is drinking from the tap)

Rachel: Monica? Monica!

Monica: Water rules!

Rachel: Yes, yes, it does. Okay, look, the restaurant called, they wanna know if you're gonna be showing up for work?

Monica: Nope. Going to the Big Apple Circus today.

Rachel: Okay Monica, what are you doing? You're gonna lose your job! This is not you!

Monica: No, it is me! Y'know, I'm not just the person who needs to fluff the pillows and pay the bills as soon as they come in! Y'know, when I'm with her, I am so much more than that. I'm- I'm Monana!

(The phone rings and Rachel answers)

Rachel: Hello? Yes, she is, hold on a second, please. Monana, it's for you, the credit card people.

Monica: Helloooo? Yeah. Oh my God. Thanks.

Rachel: What?

Monica: They've arrested Monica.

[Scene: New York City Department of Correction, Monica is visiting Fake Monica.]

Monica: Hi.

Fake Monica: Hey.

Monica: How are you?

Fake Monica: I'm not too bad. Fortunately, blue's my colour. How-how did you know I was here?

Monica: Because... I'm Monica Geller. It was my credit card you were using.

Fake Monica: That I was not expecting.

Monica: I want you to know, it wasn't me who turned you in.

Fake Monica: Oh. Thanks.

Monica: No, thank you! You have given me so much! I mean, if it wasn't for you, I would never have gotten to sing Memories on the stage at the Wintergarden Theater!

Fake Monica: Well, actually, you only got to sing 'Memo-'.

Monica: I just can't believe you're in here. I mean, what am I gonna do without you? Who's gonna crash the embassy parties with me? Who's gonna take me to the Big Apple Circus?

Fake Monica: Monica, I started my day by peeing in front of twenty-five other women, and you're worried about who's gonna take you to the Big Apple Circus?

Monica: Well, not... worried, just... wondering.

Fake Monica: There's nothing to wonder about, Monica. You're gonna go back to being exactly who you were, because that's who you are.

Monica: Not necessarily...

Fake Monica: Yes necessarily! I mean, I dunno what it is, maybe it's the Amish thing.

Monica: Um, I'm not actually Amish.

Fake Monica: Really? Then why are you like that?

[Scene: Tap Class, Monica is standing by the door.]

Teacher: You by the door. In or out?

Monica: In. (She joins in the dancing. She still flounders)

Teacher: You in the back, you're getting it all wrong!

Monica: Yeah, but at least I'm doing it!

[Scene: The Airport, everyone but Monica is there to see off Marcel.]

PA: This is the final boarding call for flight 67 to San Diego, boarding at gate 42A.

Phoebe: Okay. Good-bye, little monkey guy. Alright, I wrote you this poem. Okay, but don't eat it 'till you get on the plane.

Ross: Aww. Thank you, Aunt Phoebe.

Phoebe: Oh!

Chandler: Okay, bye, champ. Now, I know there's gonna be a lot of babes in San Diego, but remember, there's also a lot to learn.

Joey: I dunno what to say, Ross. Uh, it's a monkey.

Ross: Just, just say what you feel.

Joey: Marcel, I'm hungry.

Ross: That was good.

Rachel: (Brings Marcel a teddy bear) Marcel, this is for you. It's, uh, just, y'know, something to, um, do on the plane.

Ross: Uh, if you guys don't mind, I'd like to take a moment, just me and him.

All: Oh, sure. Sure, absolutely. (They just stand there, then realise what he means and go to the other end of the room)

Ross: Marcel, c'mere, c'mere. (He sits down and Marcel jumps down and sits beside him) Well buddy, this is it. There's just a coupla things I want to say. I'm really gonna miss you, and I'm never gonna forget about you. You've been more than just a pet to me, you've been more like a be- (Marcel climbs down and starts humping his leg) Okay, Marcel, please, could you leave my leg alone? Could you just stop humping me for two seconds?! Marcel, would- okay, just take him away. Just take him.

(Marcel is put in a cage and taken away.)

Closing Credits

[Scene: A Theater, there is a casting session going on for a play.]

Actor: (Very melodramatically, and very badly) Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might... touch thy cheek...

Casting Director No. 1: That's fine, thank you.

Casting Director No. 2: Next. (Joey walks onstage)

Joey: Hi, uh, I'll be reading for the role of Mercutio.

Casting Director No. 2: Name?

Joey: Holden McGroin.

End

120. The One With the Evil Orthodontist

 [Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there.]

Chandler: I can't believe you would actually say that. I would much rather be Mr.Peanut than Mr.Salty.

Joey: No way! Mr.Salty is a sailor, all right, he's got to be, like, thetoughest snack there is.

Ross: I don't know, you don't wanna mess with corn nuts. They're craaazy.

Monica: (looking out of the window) Oh my God. You guys! You gotta come see this! There's some creep out there with a telescope!

Ross: I can't believe it! He's looking right at us!

Rachel: Oh, that is so sick.

Chandler: I feel violated. And not in a good way.

Phoebe: How can people do that?... (All but Phoebe walk away from the window in disgust.) Oh, you guys, look! Ugly Naked Guy got gravity boots!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Rachel is there.]

Chandler: I am telling you, years from now, schoolchildren will study it as one of the greatest first dates of all time. It was unbelievable! We could totally be ourselves, we didn't have to play any games...

Monica: So have you called her yet?

Chandler: Let her know I like her? What are you, insane? (The girls make disgusted noises.) It's the next day! How needy do I want to seem? (To the guys) I'm right, right?

Joey and Ross: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Let her dangle.

Monica: I can't believe my parents are actually pressuring me to find one of you people.

Phoebe: Oh, God, just do it! (Grabbing the phone.) Call her! Stop being so testosteroney!

Chandler: Which, by the way, is the real San Francisco treat. (Calls her, then hurriedly hangs up.) I got her machine.

Joey: Her answer machine?

Chandler: No, interestingly enough her leaf blower picked up.

Phoebe: So, uh, why didn't you say anything?

Chandler: Oh, no-no-no-no. Last time I left a spontaneous message I ended up using the phrase "Yes indeedy-o."

Monica: Look look! It's Rachel and Barry. No, don't everybody look at once!

Ross: Okay, okay, what's going on?

Phoebe: Okay, they're just talking...

Ross: Yeah, well, does he look upset? Does he look like he was just told to shove anything?

Phoebe: No, no actually, he's smiling.. and... Oh my God, don't do that!!

Ross: What? What? What?!

Phoebe: That man across the street just kicked that pigeon! (Rachel enters.) Oh!

Chandler: (bluffing) And basically, that's how a bill becomes a law.

All: Oh!... Right!

Chandler: Hey Rach!

Monica: How'd it go?

Rachel: Y'know, it was, uh.. it was actually really great. He took me to lunch at the Russian Tea Room, and I had that chicken, where y'know you poke it and all the butter squirts out...

Phoebe: Not a good day for birds...

Rachel: Then we took a walk down to Bendall's, and I told him not to, but he got me a little bottle of Chanel...

Ross: That's nice... now, was that before or after you told him to stop calling, stop sending you flowers and to generally leave you alone, hmm?

Rachel: Right,.. well,.. we never actually got to that... Oh, it was just so nice to see him again, y'know? It was comfortable, it was familiar... it was just nice!

Ross: That's, that's nice twice!

Monica: Rachel, what's going on? I mean isn't this the same Barry who you left at the altar?

Joey: Duh, where've you been?

Rachel: Yeah, but it was different with him today! And he wasn't, like, Orthodontist Guy, y'know? I mean, we had fun! Is there anything wrong with that?

(Ross 'prompts' Chandler by hitting him on the arm.)

Chandler: Yes!

Rachel: Why?

Chandler: I have my reasons.

Monica: Okay, how about the fact that he's engaged to another woman, who just happens to be your ex-best friend?

Rachel: All right. All right, all right, all right, all right, I know it's stupid! I will go see him this afternoon, and I will just put an end to it!

[Scene: Barry's Office, the post-coital Barry and Rachel are recovering on the chair.]

Rachel: Wow... Wow!

Barry: Yeah.

Rachel: I'm not crazy, right? I mean, it was never like that.

Barry: Nooo, it wasn't.

Rachel: Ooh, and it's so nice having this little sink here...

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there except Rachel.]

Chandler: (on phone, reading from a script) Oh, Danielle! I wasn't expecting the machine... Give me a call when you get a chance. (Rattles some dishes) Bye-bye. (Hangs up.) Oh God!

Monica: That's what you've been working on for the past two hours?!

Chandler: Hey, I've been honing!

Ross: What was with the dishes?

Chandler: Oh, uh.. I want her to think I might be in a restaurant.. y'know? I might have some kind of life, like I haven't been sitting around here honing for the past few hours.

Monica: (looking out the window) Look look! He's doing it again, the guy with the telescope!

Phoebe: Oh my God! (Walks to the window) Go away! (Gesturing.) Stop looking in here!

Monica: Great, now he's waving back.

Joey: Man, we gotta do something about that guy. This morning, I caught him looking into our apartment. It creeps me out! I feel like I can't do stuff!

Monica: What kinda stuff?

Joey: Will you grow up? I'm not talking about sexy stuff, but, like, when I'm cooking naked.

Phoebe: You cook naked?

Joey: Yeah, toast, oatmeal... nothing that spatters.

(A pause as they look at Chandler.)

Chandler: What are you looking at me for? I didn't know that.

[Scene: Barry's Office, Rachel and Barry are getting dressed.]

Barry: What's the matter?

Rachel: Oh, it's just... Oh, Barry, this was not good.

Barry: No, it was. It was very very good.

Rachel: Well, what about Mindy?

Barry: Oh, way, way better than Mindy.

Rachel: No, not that, I mean, what about you and Mindy?

Barry: Well, if you want, I'll just—I'll just break it off with her.

Rachel: No. No-no-no-no, no. I mean, don't do that. Not, I mean not for me.

Bernice: (over intercom) Dr. Farber, Bobby Rush is here for his adjustment.

Barry: (into intercom) Thanks, Bernice. (To Rachel) Let's go away this weekend.

Rachel: Oh, Barry..! Come on, this is all way too..

Barry: We can, we can go to Aruba! When I went there on what would have been our honeymoon, it was, uh... it was really nice. You would've liked it.

(Pause as Rachel realises...)

Rachel: I had a bra.

(Barry finds it draped on a cupboard and gives it to Rachel, they kiss as Bobby enters.)

Bobby: Hey, Dr. Farber.

(Rachel and Barry quickly split and pretend Barry is examining Rachel's mouth.)

Barry: All right Miss Green, everything looks fine... Yep, I think we're starting to see some real progress here.

(Bobby looks on, deadpan.)

Rachel: What?!

Bobby: I'm twelve, I'm not stupid.

(Rachel glares at him.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler enters clutching his phone.]

Chandler: Can I use your phone?

Monica: Yeah.. uh, but for future reference, that thing in your hand can also be used as a phone.

(Chandler dials his own phone and it rings.)

Chandler: Yes, it's working! Why isn't she calling me back?

Joey: Maybe she never got your message.

Phoebe: Y'know, if you want, you can call her machine, and if she has a lot of beeps, that means she probably didn't get her messages yet.

Chandler: Y'don't think that makes me seem a little...

Ross: ...desperate, needy, pathetic?

Chandler: Ah, you obviously saw my personal ad.

(He calls and quickly hangs up.)

Phoebe: How many beeps?

Chandler: She answered.

Monica: Y'see, this is where you'd use that 'hello' word we talked about.

Chandler: I'm not gonna talk to her, she obviously got my message and is choosing not to call me. Now I'm needy and snubbed. God, I miss just being needy.

(Rachel enters.)

All: Hey! Hi!

Phoebe: How'd he take it?

Rachel: Pretty well, actually... (Wandering into the kitchen.)

Monica: (wandering in after her) Uh, Rach... how come you have dental floss in your hair?

Rachel: Oh, do I?

Monica: Uh huh.

Rachel: (in a low voice) We ended up having sex in his chair.

Monica: You had sex in his chair?!... I said that a little too loudly, didn't I?

Ross: You-you had what?

Phoebe: Sex in his chair.

Ross: What, uh... what were you thinking?

Rachel: I don't know! I mean, we still care about each other. There's a history there. 'S'like you and Carol.

Ross: No! No no, it is nothing like me and Carol!

Rachel: Please. If she said to you, "Ross, I want you on this couch, right here, right now," what would you say?

(Ross flounders.)

Chandler: If it helps, I could slide over.

Ross: It's, it's, it's, uh, a totally diferent situation! It's, it's apples and oranges, it's, it's orthodontists and lesbi- I gotta go.

Phoebe: Where are you going?

Ross: (leaving) I just have to go, all right? Do I need a reason? Huh? I mean I have things to do with my life, I have a jam packed schedule, and I am late- for keeping up with it. Okay?

(Ross exits, a phone rings, and Chandler dives for his phone.)

Chandler: Hello? Hello?

(Rachel picks up their phone and the ringing stops.  As she talks on the phone, an elaborate visual gag is spun out which is too difficult to describe in words.)

Rachel: (on phone) Hello?(Listens) Mindy! Hi! Hey, how are you? (Listens) Yes, yes, I've heard, congratulations, that is so great. (Listens) Really? (Listens) Oh. (Listens) Okay. Okay, well I'm working tomorrow, but if you want you can, you can, you can come by and... (Listens) Okay... (Listens) Great... (Listens) Great... (Listens) All right, so I'll, so I'll see you tomorrow! (Listens) Okay.. (Listens) Okay... (Listens) Bye. (Hangs up and sits down heavily.) Oh God. Oh God. Oh God.

Chandler: So how's Mindy?

Rachel: Oh, she wants to see me tomorrow...Oh, she sounded really weird, I gotta call Barry... (Does so, on phone) Hi, it's me, I just.. Mindy!! Mindy! Hi! No, I figured that's where you'd be!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning.  Chandler is sitting and staring at his phone.  Monica enters and creeps up next to Chandler.]

Monica: Brrrrrrr!

(Chandler clutches at his phone before realising.)

Chandler: Hell is filled with people like you.

Joey: (entering) He's back! The peeper's back!

(Rachel enters from her room.)

Joey: (ducking) Get down!

Rachel: Get down?

Chandler: ...And boogie!

Rachel: Thanks, but I gotta go to work and get my eyes scratched out by Mindy.

Monica: Relax. Y'know, she may not even know.

Rachel: Please. I haven't heard from her in seven months, and now she calls me? I mean, what else is it about? Oh! She was my best friend, you guys! We went to camp together... she taught me how to kiss..

Joey: (intrigued) Yeah?

Rachel: And now, y'know, I'm like... I'm like the other woman! I feel so..

Joey: ..Naughty!

Rachel: Right, I'll see you guys later...

Joey: Oh, hold up, I'll walk out with you. Now, Rach, when she taught you to kiss, you were at camp, and.. were you wearing any kinda little uniform, or- (Rachel exits and slams the door in his face.) That's fine, yeah...

(Joey exits.)

Chandler: Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Will you watch my phone?

Monica: Why don't you just take it with you?

Chandler: Hey, we haven't been on a second date, she needs to hear me pee?

Monica: Why don't you just call her?

Chandler: I can't call her, I left a message! I have some pride.

Monica: Do you?

Chandler: No! (Calls) Danielle, hi! It's, uh, it's Chandler! (Listens) I'm fine. Uh, listen, I don't know if you tried to call me, because, uh, idiot that I am, I accidentally shut off my phone. (Listens) Oh, uh, okay, that's fine, that's great. (Listens) Okay. (Puts down the phone.) (to Monica) She's on the other line, she's gonna call me back. (He starts doing a little jig.) She's on the other line, she's gonna call me back, she's on the other line, gonna call me back...

Monica: Don't you have to pee?

Chandler: 'S'why I'm dancing...

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving coffee as Mindy enters.]

Rachel: Mindy.

Mindy: Hey, you.

Rachel: Hey, you.... So, what's up?

Mindy: Um.. we should really be sitting for this.

Rachel: Sure we should... So.

Mindy: Now, I know things've been weird lately, but you're like my oldest friend in the world... Except for maybe Laurie Schaffer, who I don't talk to anywhere, 'cause she's all bitter now that she lost the weight and it turns out she doesn't have a pretty face. ....Okay, I'm just gonna ask you this once, and I want a straight answer.