117. The One With Two Parts, Part 2

Opening Credits

[Scene: An Emergency Room, Rachel and Monica enter.  Rachel is limping and leaning on Monica for support.]

Rachel: Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

(They reach the desk. The bored nurse thinks she's heard it all before.)

Monica: Hi. Uh, my friend here was taking down our Christmas lights, and and she fell off the balcony and may have broken her foot or or ankle or something.

Nurse: My god. You still have your Christmas lights up?

(Rachel glares at the nurse, who gives Monica a form attached to a clipboard.)

Nurse: Fill this out and bring it back to me.

(Monica helps Rachel over to a vacant seat.)

Rachel: Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow. Ow ow ow.

(Monica starts on the form, while Rachel catches her breath and massages her ankle.)

Monica: Okay, ooh, alright. Name, address... Okay, in case of emergency, call?

Rachel: You.

Monica: Really?

Rachel: Yeah.

Monica: Oh, that is so sweet. (Touched, she puts an arm around her friend and kisses her.) Oh gosh, love you. Insurance?

Rachel: Oh, yeah, check it. Definitely, I want some of that.

Monica: (No longer touched) you don't have insurance?

Rachel: Why, how much is this gonna cost?

Monica: I have no idea, but X-rays alone could be a couple hundred dollars.

Rachel: Wel-wel-well what are we gonna do?

Monica: Well there's not much we can do.

Rachel: (Like a big baby) Um... unless, unless I use yours.

Monica: Hah, no no no no no no no no no no.

Rachel: (Tapping the clipboard) well, now, wait a second, who did I just put as my "In case of emergency" person?

Monica: (Looking around to check that no-one's listening, then lowering her voice anyway) That's insurance fraud.

Rachel: Well, alright, then, forget it. (Getting up to go) Might as well just go home. Ow ow ow ow!

Monica: (Jumping up to make Rachel sit down) Okay, okay. I hate this.

Rachel: Thank you. Thank you. I love you.

Monica: (to the nurse) Hi, (tiny laugh) um, I'm gonna need a new set of (tiny laugh) these forms (tiny laugh).

Nurse: Why?

Monica: (Tiny laugh) I am really an idiot. (Tiny laugh) you see, I was filling out my friend's form, and instead of putting her information, (tiny laugh) I put mine.

Nurse: You are an idiot. (She hands over a blank form).

Monica: (Tiny laugh) yep, that's me, (tiny laugh) I am that stupid (tiny laugh).

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, has split up his newspaper so Joey can look at the funnies, while Ross's inappropriate joke at Lamaze class has come back to haunt him.]

Ross: I had a dream last night where I was playing football with my kid.

Chandler and Joey: That's nice.

Ross: No, no, with him. (He mimes holding the baby like a football.) I'm on this field, and they, they hike me the baby... and I, I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defence is comin' right at me.

Joey: Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.

Ross: Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us. And so I uh, hah-hah, I just heave it down field.

Chandler: What are you crazy? That's a baby!

Joey: He should take the sack?

Ross: Anyway, suddenly I'm down field, and I realise that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time, so I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up. See I, I am so not ready to be a father.

Chandler: Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad.

Joey: Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking.

(Feeling a little better, Ross fetches more coffee.)

Joey: Oh, have either one of you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it real expensive?

Chandler: Well, only if you order stuff.

Joey: I'm takin' Ursula tonight. It's her birthday.

Ross: Wo-wo-whoa. What about Phoebe's birthday?

Joey: When's that?

Ross: Tonight.

Joey: Oh, man. What're the odds of that happening?

(Joey begins to contemplate his ill fortune.)

Ross: You take your time.

(Joey looks at his friends, thinks a bit more, then realises.)

Chandler: There it is! So what're you gonna do?

Joey: What can I do? Look, I don't want to do anything to screw it up with Ursula.

Chandler: And your friend Phoebe?

Joey: Well, if she's my friend, hopefully she'll understand. I mean, wouldn't you guys?

Chandler: Man, if you tried something like that on my birthday, you'd be starin' at the business end of a hissy fit.

(Joey gestures to show that he wouldn't dare...)

[Scene: The Hospital, Monica and Rachel are waiting for the doctors to arrive.   They enter and are played by Noah Wyle and George Clooney.]

Dr. Mitchell: ..you add a pinch of saffron, it makes all the difference.

(They approach the young ladies. Dr. Mitchell consults Ms.Geller's admissions form.)

Dr. Mitchell: Okay, errrr, Monica?

Monica: Yes? (jumping as Rachel punches her arm) ..yes, she is.

Rachel (as Monica): Hi, this is my friend Rachel.

Monica (as Rachel): Hi.

Dr. Mitchell: (Smiling) Hi, err Rachel. I'm Dr.Mitchell.

Dr. Rosen: (Smiling even more and attempting to take over) And I'm his friend, Dr.Rosen.

(Monica and Rachel smile back prettily.)

Rachel: Aren't you a little cute to be a doctor?

Dr. Rosen: Excuse me?

Rachel: I meant er, (struggling to concentrate) young, young, I meant young, young to be a doctor. Oh good, Rach.

Monica (as Rachel): Thank you.

Rachel (as Monica): Right.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone but Joey is waiting for Phoebe to arrive for her surprise birthday party.  Rachel and Monica is telling Chandler about Rachel's incident.]

Rachel: ..so, he said it was just a sprain, and that was it.

Monica: Uh, you left out the stupid part.

Rachel: Not stupid. The very cute, cute, cute doctors asked us out for tomorrow night, and I said "yes."

Monica: I think it's totally insane, I mean, they work for the hospital. It's like returning to the scene of the crime. You know, I say we blow off the dates.

Rachel: What? Monica, they are cute, they are doctors, (spelling it out in the air for her slow friend) cute doctors, doctors who are cute!

Chandler: Alright, what have we learned so far?

(There is a knock at the door. Someone turns the music off, then the whole party runs and hides, except for Monica and Rachel who answer their door. Ross stands in the doorway, holding a box, but everyone is too keyed up to notice that it's him.)

The Whole Party: (Jumping up) SURPRISE!!!

(Ross is so startled that he throws his arms up to defend himself. The box takes off, then lands with a squishy thud, its contents oozing out onto the floor. Ross is not pleased.)

Ross: What the hell are you doing? You scared the crap outta me.

Rachel: Was that the cake?

Ross: Yeah, yeah. I got a lemon schmush.

Monica: Come on, she'll be here any minute.

(The whole party gathers round as Ross puts the box on the coffee table.)

Rachel: I hope it's okay.

(As Ross opens the lid, everybody looks at the mess inside.)

Monica: Oh...

Chandler: (Reading) "Happy Birthday Peehe."

Monica: Well maybe we can make a, a, a 'B' out of one of those roses.

(Phoebe quietly wanders in, to join the tableau.)

Ross: (Still annoyed) Yeah, we'll just use our special cake tools.

Phoebe: Hey, what's going on?

Ross: Oh, we just...

Phoebe's Friends: (Finally noticing the guest of honour) Surprise!

Phoebe: (Delighted) oh, oh, oh! This is so great! Oh my god! This was not at all scary. Hi everybody. Hi Betty! Betty, Hi! (Thrilled) You found Betty! Oh my god! (Hugging people) This is great. Everybody I love is in the same room, (still happy) Where's Joey?

(The party falls flat. Chandler tries to think of a witticism, but even he can't help...)

Chandler: Did you see Betty?

(Betty waggles her fingers to say "Hi", but Phoebe feels her birthday has been ruined by her twin.)

[Scene: A Restaurant, Ross is having lunch with his father who is examining his next forkful.]

Mr. Geller: I tell you one thing, I wouldn't mind having a piece of this sun-dried tomato business. Five years ago, if somebody had said to me, here's a tomato that looks like a prune, I'd say "get out of my office!"

Ross: Dad, before I was born, did you freak out at all?

Mr. Geller: I'm not freaking out, I'm just saying, if somebody had come to me with the idea andndash;

Ross: Dad, dad, dad, I'm talkin' about the whole uh, baby thing. Did you uh, ever get this sort of... panicky, "Oh my god I'm gonna be a father" kind of a thing?

Mr. Geller: No. Your mother really did the work. I was busy with the business. I wasn't around that much. Is that what this is about?

Ross: No, no, Dad, I was just wondering.

Mr. Geller: 'Cause there's time to make up for that. We can do stuff together. You always wanted to go to that Colonial Williamsburg. How 'bout we do that?

Ross: Thanks, Dad, really, I ju... you know, I just, I just needed to know, um... when did you start to feel like a father?

Mr. Geller: Oh, well, I, I guess it musta been the day after you were born. We were in the hospital room, your mother was asleep, and they brought you in and gave you to me. You were this ugly little red thing, and all of a sudden you grabbed my finger with your whole fist. And you squeezed it, so tight. And that's when I knew.

(Ross is so moved by his father's charming story, that he stops eating.)

Mr. Geller: So you don't wanna go to Williamsburg?

Ross: No, we can go to Williamsburg.

Mr. Geller: Eat your fish.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is just getting off of the intercom and turns off the TV which is still in the SAP mode.]

Monica: Rachel, the cute doctors are here.

Rachel: (entering from her room) Okay, coming!

(Monica opens the door for Dr. Mitchell and Dr. Geoffrey.)

Monica: Hi, come on in.

Dr. Mitchell: Hey.

Monica: Hi, Geoffrey.

Rachel: Hi.

Dr. Rosen: Ah here, we brought wine.

Dr. Mitchell: Look at this, it's from the cellars of Ernest and Tova Borgnine, so how could we resist?

Rachel: Oh, that's great. Look at that.

Dr. Rosen: So, Monica, how's the ankle?

Monica: It's uh...

(Rachel discreetly coughs to warn her.)

Monica (as Rachel): ..well, why don't you tell them? After all it, is your ankle.

Rachel (as Monica): You know what, it's feeling a lot better, thank you, um... Well, listen, why don't you two sit down and, and we'll get you some glasses... okay... (They don't know what to do with their coats and Monica points to the living room) STAT!

(Rachel joins Monica who is in the kitchen area, opening the wine bottle. Rachel checks that the doctors aren't listening, then lowers her voice anyway.)

Rachel: Okay, listen, I'm thinking, why don't we just tell them who we really are? I mean, it'll be fine, I really think it'll be fine.

Monica: It will not be fine. We'll get in trouble.

Rachel: Oh, Monica! Would you stop being such a wuss?

Monica: A wuss? Excuse me for living in the real world, okay?

(Back at the couch, Dr. Mitchell and Dr. Rosen have concerns of their own.)

Dr. Mitchell: So?

Dr. Rosen: So... they sss-still seem normal.

Dr. Mitchell: That's because they are.

Dr. Rosen: (Nervously) okay, but you have to admit that every time we go out... Women we meet at the hospital... It turns into...

Dr. Mitchell: Willya relax? Look around. No pagan altars, no piles of bones in the corners, they're fine. (Baring his teeth to clean them with his finger) Go like this. (Dr. Rosen obeys.)

(Meanwhile, back at the sink.)

Monica: I said we are not going to do it, okay? Sometimes you can be such a, a big baby.

Rachel: (Resenting the truth) I am not a baby! You know what? I swear to god, just because you get so uptight every time we...

Monica: Sure, every time, you're such a princess...

Rachel: You know what?

Monica: What?

Rachel: You know what?

Monica: What!?

Rachel: You know what?

Monica: (getting angry) What!!?

Rachel: Every day, you are becoming more and more like your mother.

(Rachel brightly limps back across the apartment with glasses of wine for the cute doctors, leaving an open-mouthed Monica in her wake.)

Rachel: Hello! Here we go!

Dr. Rosen: This is a great place. How long have you lived here?

Rachel: (as Monica) Thanks! I've been here about six years, and Rachel moved in a few months ago.

Monica: (as Rachel) Yeah... (joining the others) ..see, I was supposed to get married, but, um, I left the guy at the altar.

(Rachel tries to hide her alarm, but she squirms in her chair.)

Dr. Mitchell: Really?

Monica: (as Rachel) Yeah... Yeah, I know it's pretty selfish, but haha, hey, that's me. (Indicating a dish on the table) Why don't you try the hummus?

Dr. Rosen: So, Monica, what do you do?

Rachel: (as Monica) Aahh, I'm a... chef at a restaurant uptown.

Dr. Rosen: Good for you.

Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah it is, mostly because I get to boss people around, which I just love to do.

Dr. Rosen: This hummus is great.

Dr. Mitchell: God bless the chickpea.

Monica: (as Rachel) (Suddenly laughing) Oh, god, I am so spoiled... That's it!

(The doctors don't know what to make of all this.)

Rachel: (as Monica) And by the way, have I mentioned that back in high school, I was a cow?

Monica: (as Rachel) I used to wet my bed.

Rachel: (as Monica) I use my breasts to get other people's attention.

Monica: (as Rachel) (Revealing her anger to point at her best friend) We both do that!

(Rachel lets her anger show too. Hideously embarrassed, the doctors drain their glasses in the vicious pause which follows. The telephone rings, but the girls just glower at each other, silently daring the other to move first. Finally both guys jump up, and Michael wins.)

Dr. Mitchell: (on the phone) Monica and Rachel's apartment. Err yeh, aayah, yeh, just one second... (handing it to Monica) ..ah, Rachel, it's your dad.

Monica: (as Rachel) Hi, Dad. No, no, it's me. (Getting up to move further away from Rachel) li-listen, Dad, I can't talk right now, um, but there's something, um... there's something that I've been meaning to tell you...

(Monica glares triumphantly across the room, scaring Rachel who also stands up.)

Rachel: Would you excuse me for a second?

Monica: (as Rachel) Remember back in freshman year? (Talking fast before Rachel can catch her) Well, Billy Dreskin and I had sex on your bed.

(Completely undone by Monica's verbal destruction, Rachel almost loses her balance as she staggers backwards, eyes agog, gasping for breath, and literally not knowing which way to turn. Finally, she escapes into the bathroom while a resigned Dr. Mitchell looks philosophically at Dr. Rosen who seems about remind him of the good old days at the pagan altar.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Ross, Phoebe, Chandler and Monica sit round the coffee table, playing Scrabble. Rachel, still in her dressing gown, is pleading on the phone, her free hand shaking with agitation.]

Rachel: (on phone) Daddy... Daddy... Daddy, why whyyy would I sleep with Billy Dreskin? His father tried to put you out of business! (Rachel turns to Monica, clasping the receiver to her bosom so Dr.Green can't hear, while mouthing "You are...") ...dead!

(Monica smiles a sweet apology of regret, until she's distracted by Marcel as he clambers all over her nice furniture.)

Monica: Ross, he's got the remote again.

Ross: Good. Maybe he can switch it back.

(Marcel changes channel to Bugs Bunny, who is speaking in Spanish.)

Ross: Maybe not.

(Meanwhile, Rachel has taken another call, from a nurse she'd hoped never to hear from again.)

Rachel: Hello? (Listens) Um, yeah, uh, (snapping her fingers at Ross who takes the remote from Marcel, then turns off the TV) Okay ah, hold on a second, lemme lemme just check and see if see if she's here.

(All animosity forgotten, Rachel holds the receiver out as she limps quickly over to her friend, who stands up in concern.)

Rachel: It's the woman from the hospital admissions office. She says there's a problem with the form. Oh, god, oh god...

Rachel and Monica: Oh god, waddawe do, waddawe do, waddawe do?

Monica: I don't know! Why don't you just explain? What do they want? Find out what they want!

Rachel: Okay (desperately hands the receiver over) no, you do it.

Monica: (taking the phone) Hello, this is Monica... Yeah??? Oh... (Smiles at Rachel to reassure her) Okay, yes, we'll be right, we'll be right down.(Listens) Thank you. (Hangs up)

Rachel: What?

Monica: We forgot to sign one of the admissions forms.

Rachel: Ohhh... (slumping in relief) Okay, you were right. You were right! This was just not worth it.

Monica: Thank you.

Rachel: Okay, let me just change.

Monica: Yes.

(Rachel goes to her room.)

Joey: (entering quietly) Hey.

Ross and Chandler: Hey!

Monica: Hi.

Phoebe: Trouble?

Joey: Your sister stood me up the other night.

Phoebe: Oh, no. Don't you hate it when people aren't there for you?

Ross: Well did you try calling her?

Joey: I've been trying for two days. When I called the restaurant, they said she was too busy to talk. I can't believe she's blowin' me off.

(Phoebe wants to be angry with Joey, but as she watches him shaking his head in pain and disbelief, she knows that it isn't his fault.)

[Scene: Riff's, Phoebe is entering. Ursula returns with two plates of chicken, but she only has time to set one on the table, when...]

Phoebe: Hey.

(Ursula turns in surprise.)

Ursula: Oh!

Phoebe: Um you, you got a minute?

Ursula: Um, yeah, I'm just... (waving dismissively at the concept) ..working.

(Ursula points out a vacant table, so the twins walk over, side by side, to sit down. Departing customers walk right past the pair. Sitting at the back, a hungry gentleman looks most annoyed as Ursula sets his meal down in front of her. The girls sit.)

Phoebe: So.

Ursula: Uh-huh.

(Ursula is genuinely pleased that her sister has visited her, after so many years. Phoebe hesitates over how best to begin.)

Phoebe: Um, oh, I got you a birthday present.

(Ursula picks up a fork and begins eating the meat, while Phoebe removes a present from her bag.)

Ursula: Oh, wow! You remembered! (Opening it) Oh! It's a Judy Jetson thermos!

(She laughs at the childhood memory. Phoebe smiles at being able to make her point.)

Phoebe: Right, like the kind you...

Ursula: Right... Oh, I got something for you, too.

(Ursula gets up to fetch a box from her bag by the counter.)

Phoebe: How'd you know I was coming?

Ursula: Um, yeah, um, twin thing.

(Ursula puts the box directly into Phoebe's hand. Phoebe brightens.)

Phoebe: I can't believe you did this.

(Phoebe opens the box, to find something familiar inside.)

Phoebe: I can't believe you... (holding up Joey's cardigan) ..did this.

(Phoebe's smile hardens as she packs the cardigan away.)

Phoebe: So... What's the deal with umm, you and Joey?

Ursula: Oh, right. He is so great. But that's over.

(Ursula resumes eating her lunch..)

Phoebe: Does he know?

Ursula: Who?

Phoebe: Joey. You know, um, he's really nutsy about you.

Ursula: He is? Why?

Phoebe: You got me.

Ursula: Right.

(A waiter comes over for the stolen chicken. Ursula turns to him.)

Ursula: Excuse me. Doesn't this come with a side salad?

(The man gives up, shaking his head.)

Phoebe: So, um, are you gonna call him?

Ursula: What? (Indicating the departing waiter) Do you think he likes me?

Phoebe: No, Joey.

Ursula: Oh. No, no, he is so smart. He'll figure it out. (Offering to share her food) Do you want some chicken?

Phoebe: No. No food with a face.

Ursula: You have not changed!

(Ursula's eyes dance as she laughs and smiles, simply glad to be back with her sister.)

Phoebe: Yeah, you too.

(Trying not to wrinkle her nose, Phoebe smiles back realising it's down to her to make up for her negligent sister. Meanwhile, Ursula still hasn't received her side salad, but when she attempts to attract the waiter's attention, he ignores her.)

[Scene: The Emergency Room. The officious admissions nurse is again on duty. Rachel and Monica enter, looking worried. As they approach the desk, Rachel adopts a winning smile, while Monica struggles to smile at all.]

Rachel: (as Monica) Hi, remember us?

Nurse: (Grimacing) Mmm hmmm.

Monica: (as Rachel) Um, okay. You just called a little while ago about needing a signature on the admissions form. Well, it turns out we need a whole new one (little laugh) because uh, you see, I-I, I put the wrong name again. (Little laugh) 'cause um...

Nurse: You're that stupid.

Monica: (as Rachel) I am. I'm that stupid. (Little laugh.)

Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah, and and, I'm just gonna pay for this with a check.

Nurse: Well, you know your insurance will cover that.

Rachel: (as Monica) Yeah, I know... (mirroring her friend) ..I'm I'm just not that bright either.

(The girls escape with a new form.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler is neglecting the game of Scrabble, for he's busily drawing on his own childhood in an attempt to help Ross. Marcel chitters about.]

Chandler: Okay, worst case scenario. Say you never feel like a father.

Ross: Uh-huh.

Chandler: Say your son never feels connected to you, as one. Say all of his relationships are affected by this.

Ross: Do you have a point?

Chandler: You know, you think I would.

(Instead of scampering, Marcel stretches his neck as much as possible, and makes an unvoiced noise from his throat.)

Chandler: What's up with the simian?

Ross: It's just a fur ball.

Chandler: Okay... (returning to the board) ..whose turn is it?

Ross: Yours, I just got 43 points for 'KIDNEY'.

Chandler: No, no, you got zero points for 'IDNEY'.

Ross: I had a 'K'. Where's where's my 'K'?

(The unvoiced hissing continues. In alarm, Ross and Chandler look at the monkey, who is now in some distress.)

[Scene: The Emergency Room, Monica sits with Rachel, who is filling out an honest form at last. Ross and Chandler hurtle in. Little Marcel, wrapped in a fluffy towel, is cradled in Ross's arms. They dash up to the admissions desk. Ross is frantic.]

Ross: You've got to help me my monkey swallowed a 'K'!

(Hearing her brother's voice, Monica gets up to stand behind Chandler, followed by Rachel.)

Nurse: (angrily) You go get that animal outta here.

Ross: No, no you don't understand the animal hospital is way across town he's choking I don't know what else to do.

Monica: What's goin' on?

(Ross and Chandler turn at the voice...)

Chandler: Marcel swallowed a Scrabble tile.

Rachel: Oh.

(..then turn back to the desk when the surprise hits them, and Ross and Chandler whip around once more. Monica and Rachel recoil slightly.)

Nurse: Excuse me... This hospital is for people!

Ross: Lady, he is people. He has a name, okay? He watches Jeopardy! He he touches himself when nobody's watching. Please, please have a heart!

(Ross's vigorous protest is attracting attention.)

Dr. Mitchell: I'll take a look at him.

(Rachel, Monica, Ross and Chandler whip around for a second time, in formation.)

Rachel and Monica: Oh, thank you.

Monica: Michael.

Dr. Mitchell: Rachel.

Rachel: What?

Monica: (as Rachel) Monica.

Rachel: (as Monica) Oh.

Monica: (as Rachel) Hi.

Rachel: (as Monica) Hi.

(Monica smiles to cover her embarrassment, but Rachel sadly looks away...)

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is playing "She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not" with the petals of a flower, alternately looking hopeful and annoyed. Phoebe enters, but not as herself, for she has changed the style of her hair and make-up to match that of her twin sister. She hangs up her coat, revealing her new cardigan. Nervously, she smooths out the identifying garment, approaching Joey who sits next to the main sofa.]

Phoebe: (as Ursula) Hey.

Joey: Urse...

(Phoebe nods as he stands up in delight.)

Joey: ..ah, what're you doing here? I've been trying to call you.

Phoebe: (as Ursula) Listen, um...

Joey: No, no, no, don't say "listen." I know that "listen." I've said that "listen."

Phoebe: (as Ursula) I'm sorry.

Joey: I don't get it. What happened? What about everything you said under the bridge?

(Phoebe is almost thrown by this.)

Phoebe: (as Ursula): Yeah, um... (nervously clears her throat) You know you, you should just forget about what I said under the bridge, I was talkin' crazy that night, I was so drunk!

Joey: You don't drink.

Phoebe: (as Ursula) That's right, I don't... But I was, I was drunk on you!

Joey: Oh, Urse... (He tries to take her in his arms, but she fends him off.)

Phoebe: (as Ursula) Okay, yeah, so it's not gonna work.

Joey: Why? Is it because I'm friends with Phoebe?

Phoebe: (as Ursula) If it was, would you stop hanging out with her?

Joey: (Thinking carefully) no. No, I, I couldn't do that.

Phoebe: (as Ursula) Um, then yes, it's 'cause of Phoebe! So, you know, it's either her or me.

Joey: Then, uh, then I'm sorry.

(He sinks to the sofa, saddened by Ursula's ultimatum, while Phoebe follows, touched by Joey's good heart.)

Phoebe: (as Ursula) You know... (unconsciously putting a hand on his knee) You're gonna be really, really hard to get over.

Joey: I know...

(He looks up at her face and Phoebe, slipping out of character, smiles back at him. Joey's voice becomes soft and warm.)

Joey: I don't know whether it's just 'cause we're breakin' up or... what, but you have never looked so beautiful.

Phoebe: Really?

(Phoebe smiles, when Joey takes her face in his hands and kisses her. Joey gets up to leave but stops suddenly. Phoebe silently shouts "Oh, whoa!!" to herself, and leans back in the sofa to recover, a hand to her tingling lips. A thoughtful Joey is also feeling his lips, so he hesitates for a moment, then returns for a better view, he thinks again, cocking his head from side to side to regard her profile from various angles, then...)

Joey: Pheebs?

Phoebe: (Automatically) Yeah. Oooh... (she's sprung.)

[Scene: The Hospital, Marcel lies on the operating table while recovering from the anaesthetic, tucked up under a sheet like an infant in a huge bed. Ross sits beside him, as a smiling Chandler, Monica and Rachel look on.]

Ross: He looks so tiny.

(The door bursts open, and Joey and Phoebe rush in.)

Joey: We just got the message.

Phoebe: Is he alright?

Ross: Yeah. The doctor got the 'K' out. He also found an 'M' and an 'O'.

Chandler: We think he was trying to spell out 'MONKEY.'

(Ross does not approve of Chandler's daft theory.)

Ross: Well, the doctor says he's gonna be fine, he's just sleeping now.

Chandler: (Tapping Ross on his shoulder) So, you feel like a dad yet?

Ross: No, why?

Chandler: Hey, come on, you came through, you did what you had to do. That is very dad.

(Ross does approve of this, but he's still not sure. The tiny figure stirs.)

Monica: Oh, look, he's waking up!

Ross: (Quietly) hey, fella! How you doing?

(All of a sudden, Marcel grabs Ross's finger with his whole fist, and he squeezes it, so tight, that Ross finally knows what it is to be a father. He looks up at his friends, who smile encouragingly, Rachel tenderly resting her chin upon Monica's shoulder. Ross realises that Chandler was right and he's gonna make a great dad!)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone except Joey is there.  Rachel is looking out of the window and Ross is handing out some Chinese takeout.  There's a small SAP in the corner of the screen.]

Ross: Aqui est? (Here it is!)

Monica: 풞 qui? pidio el pollo General Tso? (Who ordered General Sal's chicken?)

Chandler: 좵udo aver sido General Tso! (It could've been General Sal!)

(Rachel points out of the window.)

Rachel: 좲ira, mira, el viejo desnudo est?haciendo el hula hoop! (Look, look, Ugly Naked Guy is doing the hula!)

(The others rush to the window for a look.)

All:좪www! (Ewww!)

(Joey enters, happy again.)

All: 좭ola, Joey! (Hi, Joey!)

Joey: 좭ola, amigos! (Hey, everybody!)

(Marcel grabs the remote.)

Monica: Mira, Ross, Marcel se llevo el control remoto. (Look, Ross, Marcel's got the remote.)

Ross: 좱o que sucedio es que no le gusta la tele! (The thing is, he doesn`t like the program!)

(Everybody laughs.)

End

116. The One With Two Parts, part 1

[Scene: Rift’s Restaurant, as seen in Mad About You, Joey and Chandler are there.]

Chandler: This is unbelievable. It’s been like a half an hour. If this was a cartoon, you’d be looking like a ham right about now.

(Ursula Buffay, Phoebe’s identical twin sister, is waiting on tables in her inimitable manner.)

Joey: There’s the waitress. Excuse me, Miss. Hello, Miss?

(Ursula spins around looking puzzled, quite unable to tell where the sound is coming from.)

Chandler: It’s Phoebe! Hi!

(Ursula notices Joey waving his hand, and comes over.)

Ursula: Hi. Okay, will that be all?

Chandler: Wait, wait! Wh-what are you doing here?

Ursula: Yeah, um, I was over there, then you said, "Excuse me, hello Miss," so now I’m here.

Joey: No, no... how come you are working here?

Ursula: Right, yeah, ’cause its close to where I live, and the aprons are really cute.

Chandler: Can we start over?

Ursula: Yeah. Okay great. I’m gonna be over here. (She wanders away.)

Chandler and Joey: No, no, no!

Opening Credits

[Scene: A wintry February day in New York City, snowplows are clearing the streets. Inside Central Perk, all three girls are paying court to Ross.]

Ross: I don’t know whether he’s testing me, or just acting out, but my monkey is out of control. But, he keeps erasing the messages on my machine, "supposedly" by accident.

Rachel: No, yeah, I’ve done that.

Ross: And then, like three days in a row he got to the newspaper before I did, and peed all over the crossword.

Rachel: I’ve never done that.

(Outside in the street, Joey and Chandler arrive, to peer through the window at Phoebe, by bending down to look underneath the shop’s sign—a large steaming cup of coffee.)

Chandler: All right, now look at her and tell me she doesn’t look exactly like her sister.

Joey: I’m sayin’ I see a difference.

Chandler: They’re twins!

Joey: I don’t care. Phoebe’s Phoebe. Ursula’s... hot!

(Joey and Chandler come indoors.)

Chandler: You know that thing, when you and I talk to each other about things?

Joey: Yeah.

Chandler: Let’s not do that any more.

(They hang up their coats and scarves, then approach their friends on the main sofa.)

All: Hey guys! Hey!

Joey: Hey Pheebs, guess who we saw today.

Phoebe: Ooh, ooh, fun! Okay... um, Liam Neeson.

Joey: Nope.

Phoebe: Morly Safer.

Joey: Nope.

Phoebe: The woman who cuts my hair!

Monica: Okay, look, this could be a really long game.

Chandler: Your sister Ursula.

Phoebe: (Her face dropping) Oh, really.

Chandler: Yeah, yeah, she works over at that place, uh...

Phoebe: Rift’s. Yeah, I know.

Chandler: Oh, you do? Because she said you guys haven’t talked in like years.

Phoebe: Hmmm? Yeah. So, um, is she fat?

Joey: Not from where I was standin’.

Phoebe: (Turning to Chandler) where were you standing?

Rachel: Um, Pheebs, so, you guys just don’t get along?

Phoebe: It’s mostly just dumb sister stuff, you know, I mean, like, everyone always thought of her as the pretty one, you know... Oh, oh, she was the first one to start walking, even though I did it... later that same day. But, to my parents, by then it was like "yeah, right, well what else is new?"

Ross: Oh, Pheebs, I’m sorry, I’ve got to go. I’ve got Lamaze class.

Chandler: Oh, and I’ve got Earth Science, but I'll catch you in Gym.

Rachel: So, is this just gonna be you and Carol?

Ross: No, Susan’s gonna be there too. We’ve got dads, we’ve got lesbians, the whole parenting team.

Rachel: Well, isn’t, isn’t that gonna be weird?

Ross: No, no. (Distractedly putting on a jacket to go out) I mean, it mighta been at first, but by now I, I think I’m pretty comfortable with the whole situation.

Monica: Ross, that’s my jacket.

Ross: I know.

(Rachel grins as Ross removes the girlie jacket, grabs his own, and rushes out.)

[Scene: The Lamaze class, several couples and one trio sit on the floor, introducing themselves to the teacher, who’s got as far as a woman sitting next to Ross, Carol, and Susan.]

Woman: Hi, we’re the Rostins. Err, I’m J.C., and he’s Michael, and we’re having a boy, and a girl.

Teacher: Good for you. Alrighty, next?

Ross: Hi, um, I’m err, (has to clear his throat) I’m Ross Geller, and err ah... (pats Carol’s bulge) ..that’s, that’s my boy in there, and uh, (points) this is Carol Willick, and this... is Susan Bunch. Susan is um Carol’s, just, com... (embarrassment finally overwhelms the poor fellow, who becomes incoherent until) ..who’s next?

Teacher: I’m sorry, I didn’t get... Susan is?

Ross: Susan is Carol’s, Carol’s, Carol’s, friend...

Carol: Life partner.

Ross: Like buddies.

Susan: Like lovers.

Ross: You know how close women can get.

(The teacher smiles, but her eyebrows go up. Susan and Carol pat each other affectionately.)

Carol: Susan and I live together.

Ross: Although I was married to her.

Susan: Carol, not me.

Ross: Err, right.

Carol: It’s a little complicated.

Ross: A little.

Susan: But we’re fine.

Ross: Absolutely. (Turns back to the woman next to him.) So, twins... hah! That’s like two births. (He struggles again.) Ouch.

[Scene : Chandler's Office, Chandler is working.]

(Helen’s buzzer is heard on the intercom, so Chandler presses his button, too.)

Chandler: And (he imitates the buzzer) to you too, Helen.

Helen: (Over the intercom) Nina Bookbinder is here to see you.

Chandler: Oh, okay. Send her in.

(He hurriedly checks his hair in his computer screen, before taking a sporting trophy from a drawer to place ostentatiously on his desk. An attractive young woman opens the door.)

Nina: Hi.

Chandler: Hi, Nina. Come on in.

Nina: You wanted to see me?

Chandler: Uh, Yes. Yes. I’ve just been going over your data here, and little thing, you’ve been post-dating your Friday numbers.

Nina: Which is bad, because?

Chandler: Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack.

Nina: Your... excuse me?

Chandler: WENUS. (Coughs) Weekly Estimated Net...

Nina: Oh, Net Usage Statistics, right. Gotcha, gotcha. Won’t happen again. I wouldn’t want to do anything to hurt your... "wenus."

(Nina beams flirtatiously at Chandler, who catches her drift, but for once he’s lost for something to say – so she nods her head to tell him that he’s thinking correctly...)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross, Chandler, and the girls are dividing some Chinese takeout, while the sitcom Family Matters is playing on the TV.]

Chandler: It’s not just that she’s cute, okay. It’s just that... she’s really really cute.

Ross: It doesn’t matter. You don’t dip your pen in the company ink.

(Marcel scampers about, interfering with the neatness.)

Monica: Ross, your little creature’s got the remote again.

Ross: Marcel, Marcel, give Rossie the remote. Marcel. Marcel, you give Rossie the remote right now... Marce... you give Rossie the remote...

(Marcel points the remote at Monica’s television, pressing a particular combination of keys. The logo SAP appears on the screen, and suddenly the dialogue is dubbed into Spanish.)

Monica: Great.

Ross: Relax, I’ll fix it.

Rachel: (Looking at the television) Cool... "Urkel" in Spanish is "Urkel."

Ross: (looking at the remote) How did he do this?

Chandler: (Looking out at the balcony) So tell me something, is leaving the Christmas lights up part of your plan to keep us merry all year long?

(Rachel slowly spins around, finally noticing that the lights have outstayed their welcome.)

Monica: Ah no, you see, someone was supposed to take them down around New Year’s... but obviously someone forgot.

Rachel: Well, someone was supposed to write "Rach, take down the lights" and put it on the re... frigerate... (finally noticing Monica’s note stuck to the refrigerator) How long has that been there?

(Joey enters, looking extremely pleased with himself.)

Chandler: Hey, where you been?

Joey: I went back to Riff’s. I think Ursula likes me. All I ordered was coffee, she brought me a tuna meltt and four plates of curly fries.

Chandler: Score.

Joey: She is so hot!

Chandler: Yeah, listen. Okay, before you do anything Joey-like, you might wanna run it by err... (he indicates Phoebe, who is helping Ross understand the remote control.)

Joey: Pheebs?

Phoebe: (Jumping up) Yeah?

Joey: You think it would be okay if I asked out your sister?

Phoebe: Why? Why would you wanna... do that?  Why?

Joey: So that if we went out on a date, she’d be there.

Phoebe: Well, I mean, I’m not my sister’s, you know, whatever, and um... I mean, it’s true, we were one egg, once, but err, you know, we’ve grown apart, so, um... I don’t know, why not? Okay.

Joey: Cool, thanks.

(He happily gestures at Chandler that there was nothing to worry about, then exits. Rachel and Monica are concerned for poor Phoebe, who slides back down next to Ross.)

Ross: You okay?

Phoebe: Yeah I’m fine.

Ross: You wanna watch Laverne y Shirley?

(The sitcom begins with its familiar refrain, yet with a Latin lilt. Rachel and Monica do a little dance with their chopsticks, and Phoebe has to grin as Ross joins in the rhythm.)

[Scene: Lamaze class. Susan is there. Each couple has a doll, for they have just finished learning how to change a diaper. As Ross rushes in, stepping on the Rostins’ pretend baby, squashing its head flat. It bleats, in protest. He performs emergency surgery, then hands the doll back to J.C.]

Ross: Sorry.

Ross: Hi. Sorry I’m late. Where’s, where’s Carol?

Susan: Stuck at school. Some parent-teacher thing. You can go. I’ll get the information.

Ross: No... No... No. I think I should stay, I think we should both know what’s going on.

Susan: Oh, good. This’ll be fun.

Teacher: Alrighty. We’re gonna start with some basic third stage breathing exercises, so Mummies, why don’t you get on your back? And... coaches, you should be supporting Mummy’s head.

(Ross and Susan each gesture for the other to lie down.)

Ross and Susan: What? What? What?

Susan: I am supposed to be the mommy?

Ross: Okay, I’m gonna play my sperm card one more time.

Susan: Look, I don’t see why I should have to miss out on the coaching training just because I’m a woman.

Ross: I see. So what do you propose to do?

Susan: I will flip you for it.

Ross: Flip me for it? No, no, no... heads, heads, heads!

Susan: (Triumphantly) On your back... Mom.

(Ross gets down like all the other mothers, cradled in Susan’s lap like all the other fathers.)

Teacher: Alright, Mommies, take a nice deep cleansing breath.

(Forgetting herself, Susan does the "Mommy" action with Ross.)

Teacher: Good. Now imagine your vagina is opening like a flower.

(Ross comes out of character to glare into the distance.)

[Scene: Chandler's Office. Chandler is playing with a toy as his boss Mr. Douglas knocks and opens the door.]

Chandler: Mr. D, how’s it going, sir?

Mr. Douglas: Ohh, it’s been better. The Annual Net Usage Statistics are in.

Chandler: And?

Mr. Douglas: It’s pretty ugly. We haven’t seen an ANUS this bad since the seventies.

Chandler: So what does this mean?

Mr. Douglas: Well, we’re gonna be layin’ off people in every department.

Chandler: Hey, listen, I know I came in late last week, but I slept funny, and my hair was very very –

Mr. Douglas: Not you. Relax. Ever have to fire anyone?

[Scene: Chandler's Office, later that day, Nina is in his office.]

Chandler: Nina? Nina. (He goes around his desk to where she is sitting.) Nina. (In pain) Nina.

(She sympathetically reaches out to fondle the inner thigh of his left leg.)

Nina: Are you okay?

Chandler: (Looking down at her hand) Yes, yes I am. Err, listen, the reason that I called you in here today was, err... please don’t hate me.

Nina: (Taking her hand away) What?

Chandler: (Suddenly bright) Would you like to have dinner sometime?

(Nina gasps in surprise and relief.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is at the counter, serving coffee to Phoebe.]

Rachel: So Pheebs, what do you want for your birthday?

Phoebe: Well, what I really want is for my mom to be alive and enjoy it with me.

Rachel: Okay... Let me put it this way. Anything from Crabtree and Evelyn?

Phoebe: Ooh! Bath salts would be nice.

Rachel: Ooh, okay... good.

(Jamie Buchman and Fran Devanow enter the coffee house. They look about them as Jamie removes her coat and scarf.)

Jamie: What is this place?

Fran: Look, you’re cold, I have to pee, and... (indicating the sign) ..there’s a cup of coffee on the window. How bad could it be?

(Jamie notices Phoebe sitting at the counter.)

Jamie: I think we have an answer.

Fran: What’s she doing here?

Jamie: This could be God’s way of telling us to eat at home.

Fran: Think she got fired at Riff’s?

Jamie: No, no, no. We were there last night. She kept... (shuddering at the memory) ..bringing swordfish. (Indicating the ladies’ bathroom) are you gonna go to the, um?

Fran: I’m gonna wait till after we order. It’s her, right.

Jamie: It looks like her.

(Phoebe walks by, ignoring the two strangers.)

Jamie: Um, excuse me.

Phoebe: Yeah?

Jamie: Hi, it’s us.

Phoebe: (Smiling blankly) Right, and it’s me.

Jamie: So, so you’re here too?

Phoebe: Much as you are.

Jamie: (Without moving her lips) Your turn.

Fran: Err... we know what we want.

Phoebe: (Philosophically) Oh, that’s good.

Jamie: All we want is two Caffe Lattes.

Fran: And some biscottie cookies.

Phoebe: Good choice.

(Phoebe turns away so that the two weird women won’t see the face she pulls, and sits down.)

Jamie: Definitely her.

Fran: Yeah.

Commercial break

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Phoebe is watching a Spanish version of The Waltons. At a nearby table sit Monica knitting, Rachel winding a ball of wool, and Chandler supplying them both from a skein which is spread between his hands.]

(Phoebe uses the remote to stop the Spanish by turning off the television.)

Monica: I can’t believe you. You still haven’t told that girl she doesn’t have a job yet?

Chandler: Well, you still haven’t taken down the Christmas lights.

Monica: Congratulations, I think you’ve found the world’s thinnest argument.

Chandler: I’m just trying to find the right moment, you know?

Rachel: Oh, well, that shouldn’t be so hard, now that you’re dating. (Imitating men at their worst) "Sweetheart, you’re fired, but how ’bout a quickie before I go to work?"

(Joey lets himself in, carrying a large paper shopping bag.)

Joey: Hey.

Rachel and Chandler: Hey.

(There is a loud knocking at the door through which Joey has just entered.)

Chandler: You know, once you’re inside, you don’t have to knock any more.

Monica: I’ll get it.

(She rises, dragging Chandler along by the wool. Rachel has to leap over a chair to follow them. Monica opens the door to find Mr. Heckles standing there.)

Monica: Oh. Hi, Mr.Heckles.

Mr.Heckles: You’re doing it again.

Monica: We’re not doing anything. We’re just sitting around talking, quietly.

Mr.Heckles: I can hear you through the ceiling. My cats can’t sleep.

Rachel: You don’t even have cats.

Mr.Heckles: I could have cats.

Monica: (Closing the door) Goodbye Mr.Heckles.

Rachel: We’ll try to keep it down.

(The wool-bound trio returns to the table. Rachel has to rush ahead to avoid becoming tangled. Joey brings the shopping bag over to Phoebe, and takes out a nice cardigan.)

Joey: Phoebe, could you do me a favour? Could you try this on? I just wanna make sure it fits.

Phoebe: Ooh, my first birthday present... (delightedly examining the cardigan in her lap) ..oh, this is really...

Joey: Oh, no no no. It’s for Ursula. I just figured, you know, size-wise.

Phoebe: Ohhh... Sure, yeah... (disgustedly dropping the cardigan back into the bag) ..okay, it fits.

(The others have been taking all this in.)

Rachel: Are you seein’ her again tonight?

Joey: Yep. Ice Capades.

Chandler: Wow, this is serious. I’ve never known you to pay money for any kind of capade.

Joey: I don’t know. I like her, you know. She’s different. There’s uh, somethin’ about her.

Phoebe: That you like, (snappily confronting Joey over the heads of the knitting circle) we get it. You like her. Great!

(The circle freezes in apprehension.)

Joey: Hey, Phoebe, I asked you, and you said it was okay.

Phoebe: Alright, well, maybe now it’s not okay.

Joey: Okay... Well maybe now I’m not okay with it not being okay.

Phoebe: Okay.

(An embarrassed silence... finally broken by)

Chandler: Knit, good woman, knit, knit!

(Monica frantically bursts into action as Rachel resumes winding, tangling Chandler’s wool.)

[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler & Nina are locked in a passionate embrace. Someone knocks, so they hurriedly separate to stare out of the window. Chandler’s boss opens the door.]

Chandler: And that’s the Chrysler Building right there.

Mr. Douglas: Nina.

Nina: Mr.Douglas... (flirting defensively) ..cool tie.

(She escapes, fortunately so distracting Mr. Douglas, that he misses Chandler’s expression of alarm & guilt.)

Mr. Douglas: (Shutting the door, then pointing vaguely at Nina’s shapely departure) She’s still here.

Chandler: Yes, yes she is. Didn’t I memo you on this? See, after I let her go, err, I got a call from her psychiatrist, Dr. Flanen-nen, Dr. Flanen, Dr. Flan.

(Thinking quickly, Chandler desperately tries to remember anything to do with schizophrenia....)

Chandler: And err, he informed me that uh, she took the news rather badly, in fact, he uh, mentioned the word frenzy.

Mr. Douglas: You’re kidding? She seems so...

Chandler: Oh, no, no. Nina... (miming fairies twinkling around his head) ..she is whooo wewee-woo whoo whoo! In fact, if you asked her right now, she would have no recollection of being fired at all, none at all.

Mr. Douglas: That’s unbelievable.

Chandler: And yet, believable. So I decided not to fire her again until I can be assured that she will be no threat to herself, or others.

Mr. Douglas: I see. I guess you never really know what’s goin’ on inside a person’s head.

Chandler: Well, I guess that’s why they call it psychology, sir.

(Mr. Douglas screws up his eyes, trying to credit what Bing has just said, but turning to follow Nina down the corridor, he realises Bing must be telling the truth, since he would not have any personal interest in the girl, would he?)

[Scene: Lamaze class, Ross is again on the floor, cradled in Susan’s lap, but now Carol is cradled in his lap, and she has a pretend baby, on her lap. The teacher is showing her class a video, which is about to end.]

Soothing male voice: ..a sound Mom and Dad never forget. For this after all, is the miracle of birth.

Teacher: Lights please? And that’s having a baby. Next week is our final class.

(People start getting up. Ross grabs Carol’s doll to hold it upside down like a football, slapping it with his other hand.)

Ross: Susan, go deep.

(Susan just glares back, as Ross’s inappropriate joke falls flat. Meanwhile, a bubble is about to burst...)

Carol: This is impossible. It’s just impossible.

Susan: What is, honey?

Carol: What that woman... did. I am not doin’ that. It’s just gonna have to stay in, that’s all, everything will be the same, it’ll just stay in.

Ross: Carol, honey, shhh, shhh, everything’s gonna be alright.

Carol: (screaming at Ross) Oh, what do you know?  No one's going up to you and saying, "Hi, is that your nostril?  Mind if we push this pot roast through it?"

Susan: Carol, Carol, sweetie. Cleansing breath.

(Both women gulp in air. Ross looks at his "football," then manipulates the head & limbs back into place, until it resembles what it represents.)

Susan: I know it’s frightening, but, big picture. The birth part is just one day, and when it’s over, we’re all gonna be parents for the rest of our lives.

(Ross is staring blankly into space.)

Susan: I mean, that’s what this is all about, right? Ross? Ross?

[Scene 13: Central Perk, the gang is gathered around Monica comforting her brother, who in a slight state of shock is cuddling a cushion for security.]

Ross: I’m gonna be a father.

Rachel: This is just occurring to you?

Ross: I always knew I was havin’ a baby, I just never realised the baby was having me.

Rachel: (She comforts him too) Oh, you’re gonna be great!

Ross: Aw, how can you say that? I can’t even get Marcel to stop eating the bath mat. How am I gonna raise a kid?

Chandler: You know, Ross, some scientists are now saying that, that monkeys and babies are actually different.

(Joey tires of this, so he gets up to leave.)

Phoebe: Where’re you going?

Joey: Out.

Phoebe: With?

Joey: (Spreading his arms wide) Yes.

Phoebe: Alright, could I just ask you one question?

(Joey nods his head.)

Phoebe: Have you two, you know... like... you know... you know... yet?

Joey: Well, not that it’s any of your business, but, no, we haven’t, okay?

(Joey walks toward the door, then hesitates and turns back.)

Joey: You meant sex, right?

(Phoebe buttons her lip, while the rest of the gang pretend they’re not there.)

[Scene: Chandler's Office, Chandler is working as Nina knocks, then opens the door.]

Nina: Do you have a sec?

Chandler: Ah, sure, Nina. What’s up?

Nina: I don’t know. For the past couple days, people have been avoiding me and giving me these really strange looks.

Chandler: Oh, well, ah... maybe that’s because they’re ah... jealous, of us.

Nina: Maybe. But that doesn’t explain why they keep taking my scissors.

Chandler: Ah, well, maybe that’s, ah, because you’re getting a big raise.

Nina: I am?

Chandler: Sure, why not?

Nina: Oh my god! (Rushing over to give him a big hug) You’re amazing!

Chandler: Oh, you don’t know. (Presses a button.) Helen, could you make sure we put through the paperwork on Miss Bookbinder’s raise?

Helen: (Over the intercom) So you still want me to send her psychological profile to Personnel?

Nina: What?

Chandler: Helen drinks. (Insincerely) Will you marry me?

(Nina puts her hands on her hips, then gives Chandler a quizzical look.)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel’s, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, and Phoebe are sharing a bowl of popcorn, while Monica carefully reads the instruction manual for her television set.]

Chandler: Well, I ended up telling her everything.

Rachel: Oh, how’d she take it?

Chandler: Pretty well. Except for the stapler thing. (He holds up a bandaged hand.) Little tip: if you’re ever in a similar situation, never ever leave your hand... (he mimes Nina taking her revenge) ..on the desk.

Monica: Okay, I think I get how to do this.

(Monica points the remote at her TV, and punches out a key combination from the book, but the dreaded SAP logo remains and Spanish still comes forth.)

Phoebe: Alright, so, can we turn this off? Can we just make it... make them go away? Because I can’t, I can’t watch.

Monica: (Remotely turning off the television) okay, Pheebs, they’re gone.

Phoebe: Okay.

Monica: Are you alright?

Phoebe: Yeah. It’s just, you know, it’s this whole stupid Ursula thing, it’s...

Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, can I ask? So, he’s going out with her. I mean, is it really so terrible?

Phoebe: Um, yeah. Look, I mean, I’m not saying she’s like evil or anything. She just, you know, she’s always breaking my stuff. When I was eight, and I wouldn’t let her have my Judy Jetson thermos, so she threw it under the bus. And then, oh, and then there was Randy Brown, who was like... Have you ever had a boyfriend who was like your best friend?

Monica and Rachel: (Wistfully, shaking their heads) No.

Phoebe: Well, but that’s what he was for me. And she you know, kind of stole him away, and then... broke his heart... and then he wouldn’t even talk to me any more. Because he said he didn’t wanna be around... anything that looked like either one of us.

Rachel: Oh... Oh, Pheebs.

Phoebe: I mean, I know Joey is not my boyfriend, or my thermos, or anything, but...

Chandler: You’re not gonna lose him.

Monica: Hon, you gotta talk to Joey.

Phoebe: Yeah. Okay.

Ross: No, come on, he doesn’t know this stuff. If he knew how you felt.

Phoebe: But he’s falling in love with her.

Rachel: Oh please, they’ve been going out a week. They haven’t even slept together yet, I mean, that’s not serious.

Phoebe: Okay... Okay.

(Monica and Ross indicate that they mean right now.)

Phoebe: Oh, okay, oh.

(Phoebe gets up and walks across the hallway, but the door to Chandler and Joey’s apartment is shut. She knocks, and anxiously waits for Joey to come, but instead her identical twin sister emerges wearing one of Joey’s shirts.)

Ursula: (Surprised) Oh.

(Phoebe reels back in shock, while Ursula defiantly leans against the doorpost as though she owns the place.)

Ursula: Yeah, um, may we help you?

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is taking down the Christmas lights. Monica sees her, so she leans out of the small side window.]

Monica: Rachel, what are you doing? It’s freezing out here. Would you come back inside?

Rachel: No no no no no. You wanted me to take them down, so... (she climbs onto the railing to reach the top of a pole) ..I’m takin’ ’em down. Okay? Whoa! (Screams.)

(Rachel slips, loses her balance, and falls over the edge..)

Monica: Oh-my-god Rachel! (Rushing out to look over the edge) Rachel!

(In the apartment below, Mr.Heckles is trying to relax and read his newspaper, but Rachel is helplessly dangling upside-down with her ankle wrapped up in the Christmas lights.)

Rachel: (To Monica) I’m okay! I’m okay! (She knocks on Mr. Heckles's window.) Mr. Heckles, Mr. Heckles could you help me please?

Mr.Heckles: See, this is just the kind of thing I was talking about.

End

115. The One With the Stoned Guy

[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is serving Joey, Ross, and Monica their drinks.]

Rachel: (to Joey) Coffee. (Hands it to him.)

Joey: Thank you.

Rachel: (to Ross) Cappuccino. (Hands it to him.)

Ross: Grazie.

Rachel: And a nice hot cider for Monica. (Hands it to her.)

Monica: Aww, thank you. (Notices something.) Uh Rach?

Rachel: Yeah?

Monica: Why does my cinamon stick have an eraser?

Rachel: Oh! That's why. (Rachel checks behind her ear, and finds a cinamon stick.) I'm sorry!

(She takes the pencil out of Monica's coffee and Monica puts her cup down in disgust.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Chandler's job, Chandler is typing data into his computer, he keeps typing even while taking a drink of coffee with one hand. One of his co-workers walks by.]

Woman: Chandler.

Chandler: Mrs. Tedlock. You're looking lovely today. And may I say, that is a very flattering sleeve length on you.

Mrs. Tedlock: Yes. Well, Mr. Kostelick wants you to stop by his office at the end of the day.

Chandler: Oh, listen. If this is about those prank memos, I had nothing to do with them. Really. Nothing at all. Really. (Chandler tries to hide a rubber chicken from the woman.) Nothing.

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there but Chandler. Phoebe runs in, excitedly.]

Phoebe: Hey you guys! Chandler's coming and he says he has, like, this incredible news, so when he gets here, we could all act like, you know...

(Chandler comes in.)

Chandler: Hey!

All: Hey!

Phoebe: Never mind. But it was going to be really good.

Ross: What's going on?

All: What is it?

Chandler: So, it's a typical day at work. I'm inputting my numbers, and big Al calls me into his office and tells me he wants to make me processing supervisor.

All: That's great!

Chandler: So.... I quit.

All: Why?

Chandler: Why? This was supposed to be a temp job!

Monica: Yeah, Chandler... you've been there for five years.

Chandler: If I took this promotion, it'd be like admitting that this is what I actually do.

Phoebe: So was it a lot more money?

Chandler: It doesn't matter. I just don't want to be one of those guys that's in his office until twelve o'clock at night worrying about the WENUS.

(Everyone looks at him, confused.)

Rachel: ... the WENUS?

Chandler: Weekly Estimated Net Usage Systems. A processing term.

Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh. That WENUS.

Joey: So what're you going to do?

Chandler: I don't know. That's the thing. I don't know what I want to do. I just know I'm not going to figure it out working there.

Phoebe: Oooh! I have something you can do! I have this new massage client... Steve? (pause) Anyway, he's opening up a restaurant and he's looking for a head chef.

Monica: (taps Phoebe on her shoulder) Um... hi there.

Phoebe: Hi! (turns back to Chandler, then to Monica) Oh, yeah, no, I know. You're a chef. I know, and I thought of you first, but um, Chandler's the one who needs a job right now, so....

Chandler: Yeah... I just don't have that much cheffing experience. Unless it's an all-toast restaurant.

Phoebe: (to Monica's tapping) Yeah, yeah!

Monica: Well, what kind of food is he looking for?

Phoebe: Well, he wants to do some ecclectic, so he's looking for someone who can, you know, create the entire menu.

Monica: (excited) Oh my God!

Phoebe: Yeah, I know! (turns to Chandler) So, what do you think?

Chandler: Thanks, Phoebe. But I just don't really see myself in a big white hat.

Phoebe: OK. (pause) Oh Monica! Guess what!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler walks in, wearing a suit.]

Chandler: Can you see my nipples through this shirt?

Rachel: No. But don't worry, I'm sure they're still there.

Phoebe: Where are you going, Mr. Suity-Man?

Chandler: Well, I have an appointment to see Dr. Robert Pillman, career counselor a-gogo. (pause) I added the "a-gogo."

Rachel: Career counselor?

Chandler: Hey, you guys all know what you want to do.

Rachel: I don't!

Chandler: Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do. You know, you have goals. You have dreams. I don't have a dream.

Ross: Ah, the lesser-known "I don't have a dream" speech.

(Monica enters, excited.)

Monica: Oh, I love my life, I love my life!

Phoebe: Ooh! Brian's Song!

Rachel: The meeting with the guy went great?

Monica: So great! He showed me where the restaurant's going to be. It's this, it's this cute little place on 10th Street. Not too big, not too small. Just right.

Chandler: Was it formerly owned by a blonde woman and some bears?

Monica: So anyway, I'm cooking dinner for him Monday night. You know, kind of like an audition. And Phoebe, he really wants you to be here, which will be great for me because then you can 'ooh' and 'ahh' and make yummy noises.

Rachel: What are you going to make?

Phoebe: (as though Rachel wasn't paying attention) Yummy noises.

Rachel: (pause) And Monica, what are you going to make?

Monica: I don't know. I don't know. It's just going to be so great!

Phoebe: Ooh! I know what you could make! (runs over to join Monica and Rachel in the kitchen) I know! Oh, you should definitely make that thing... you know, with the stuff? (Monica doesn't know.) You know, that thing... with the stuff...? OK, I don't know. (sits down)

Ross: Hey guys, does anybody know a good date place in the neighborhood?

Joey: How about Tony's? If you can finish a 32-ounce steak, it's free.

Ross: OK, ahem, hey, does anybody know a good place if you're not dating a puma?

Chandler: Who are you going out with?

Phoebe: Oh, is this the bug lady?

Rachel: (trying to sound like a bug) Bzzzz.... I love you, Ross.

Ross: Her name is Celia. She's not a bug lady. She's curator of insects at the museum.

Rachel: So what are you guys going to do?

Ross: Oh, I just thought we could go out to dinner, and then maybe bring her back to my place and I'd introduce her to my monkey.

Chandler: And he's not speaking metaphorically.

Joey: (aside to Ross) So.... back to your place...you thinking, maybe... (gestures with hands, back and forth) huh-huh?

Ross: Well, I don't know.... (gestures) huh-huh.... but I'm hoping (gestures) huh-huh.

Joey: I'm telling you, that monkey is a chick magnet! She's going to take one look at his furry, cute little face and it'll seal the deal.

[Scene: Ross's apartment, Marcel is hanging from Celia's hair, and she is screaming, trying to get him off.]

Ross: Celia, don't worry!  Don't scream!  He's not going to hurt you! Soothing tones, Celia. Soothing tones! Marcel...

Celia: I can't stand this! He's got his claws in my...

Ross: Alright... (lifts Marcel away)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone is there but Ross and Chandler. Monica is making food, and having everyone try it.]

Monica: (to Joey) OK, try this salmon mousse.

Joey: (tasting) Mmmm. Good.

Monica: Is it better than the other salmon mousse?

Joey: It's creamier.

Monica: Yeah, well, is that better?

Joey: I don't know. We're talking about whipped fish, Monica. I'm just happy I'm keeping it down, y'know?

(Chandler kicks the door closed, angrily. His clothes are askew, he looks beat.)

Rachel: My God! What happened to you?

Chandler: Eight and a half hours of aptitude tests, intelligence tests, personality tests... and what do I learn? (he taps the results and reads them) "You are ideally suited for a career in data processing for a large multinational corporation."

Phoebe: That's so great! 'Cause you already know how to do that!

Chandler: Can you believe it? I mean, don't I seem like somebody who should be doing something really cool? You know, I just always pictured myself doing something...something.

Rachel: (comes up and rubs him on the chest) Oh Chandler, I know, I know... oh, hey! You can see your nipples through this shirt!

Monica: (brings a plate of tiny appetizers over) Here you go, maybe this'll cheer you up.

Chandler: Ooh, you know, I had a grape about five hours ago, so I'd better split this with you.

Monica: It's supposed to be that small. It's a pre-appetizer. The French call it an amouz-bouche.

Chandler: (tastes it) Well.... it is amouz-ing...

(Phone rings. Monica answers it.)

Monica: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Oh, hi Wendy! (Listens) Yeah, eight o'clock. (Listens) What did we say? Ten dollars an hour?... (Listens) OK, great. (Listens) All right, I'll see you then. Bye. (hangs up)

Phoebe: Ten dollars an hour for what?

Monica: Oh, I asked one of the waitresses at work if she'd help me out.

Rachel: (hurt) Waitressing?

Joey: Uh-oh.

Monica: Well... of course I thought of you! But... but...

Rachel: But, but?

Monica: But, you see, it's just... this night has to go just perfect, you know? And, well, Wendy's more of a... professional waitress.

Rachel: Oh! I see. And I've sort of been maintaining my amateur status so that I can waitress in the Olympics.

Chandler: You know, I don't mean to brag, but I waited tables at Innsbruck in '76. (dead silence) Amouz-bouche? (holds out tray)

[Scene: Ross' apartment, Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon (the original, not that cruddy Urge Overkill version) is playing. Ross and Celia are kissing passionately.]

Celia: Talk to me.

Ross: OK.... um, a weird thing happened to me on the train this morning...

Celia: No no no. Talk... dirty.

Ross: (embarrassed) Wha... what, here?

Celia: Yes...

Ross: Ah....

Celia: Say something..... hot.

Ross: (panicked) Er.... um.....

Celia: What?

Ross: Um... uh.... vulva.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Ross are there, discussing what happened last night.]

Joey: (in disbelief) Vulva?

Ross: Alright, I panicked, alright? She took me by surprise. You know, but it wasn't a total loss. I mean, we ended up cuddling.

Joey: (sarcastic) Whoaa!! You cuddled? How many times??

Ross: Shut up! It was nice. I just... I don't think I'm the dirty-talking kind of guy, you know?

Joey: What's the big deal? You just say what you want to do to her. Or what you want her to do to you. Or what you think other people might be doing to each other. I'll tell you what. Just try something on me.

Ross: (deadpan) Please be kidding.

Joey: Why not? Come on! Just, just close your eyes and tell me what you'd like to be doing right now.

Ross: OK. (closes eyes) I'm in my apartment...

Joey: ....yeah... what else?

Ross: That's it. I'm in my apartment, you're not there, we're not having this conversation. (gets up, walks across room)

Joey: (walks to catch up to him) Alright, look, I'll start, OK?

Ross: Joey, please.

Joey: Come on. Come on. Alright, ready, look! (in a low voice) Oh... Ross.... you get me so hot. I want your lips on me now.

Ross: (impressed) Wow.

Joey: Alright, now you say something.

Ross: I... ahem... I really don't think so.

Joey: Come on! You like this woman, right?

Ross: Yeah.

Joey: You want to see her again, right?

Ross: Sure.

Joey: Well if you can't talk dirty to me, how're you going to talk dirty to her? Now tell me you want to caress my butt!

Ross: OK, turn around. (Joey looks taken aback) I just don't want you staring at me when I'm doing this.

Joey: (turning around) Alright, alright. I'm around. Go ahead.

Ross: Ahem... I want.... OK, I want to... feel your... hot, soft skin with my lips.

Joey: There you go! Keep going. Keep going!

Ross: I, er...

(At this point, Chandler walks into the living room from his bedroom. Ross and Joey both have their backs to him, so they don't notice. Chandler sees the situation and remains quiet, watching.)

Ross: I want to take my tongue... and...

(Chandler is completely astounded.)

Ross: ....and....

Joey: Say it... say it!

Ross: ...run it all over your body until you're... trembling with... with...

(Chandler leans back against the wall and Ross and Joey hear him. Ross and Joey both notice at the same time. They slowly stop, and then very slowly turn around to see Chandler staring at them.)

Chandler: (smiling)....with??

Ross: (rushing to explain) Funny story!

Joey: You're not going to believe this!

Chandler: It's OK. It's OK. I was always rooting for you two kids to get together.

Joey: Hey Chandler, while you were sleeping that guy from your old job called again.

Chandler: Again?

Joey: And again, and again, and again... (phone rings, he answers) Hello? (hands phone to Chandler) And again.

Chandler: (on phone) Hey Mr. Kostelic! How's life on the fifteenth floor? (Listens) Yeah, I miss you too. (Listens) Yeah, it's a lot less satisfying to steal pens from your own home, you know? (Listens) Well, that's very generous (Listens) er, but look, this isn't about the money. I need something that's more than a job. I need something I can really care about.... (Listens) And that's on top of the yearly bonus structure you mentioned earlier? (Listens) Look, Al, Al... I'm not playing hardball here, OK? This is not a negotiation, this is a rejection! (Listens) No! No! No, stop saying numbers! I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy! You've got the wrong guy! (Listens) I'll see you on Monday! (slams the phone down)

[Scene: Chandler's new window office, he is showing Phoebe around.]

Chandler: Well?

Phoebe: (excited) Wow! It's huge! It's so much bigger than the cubicle. Oh, this is a cube.

Chandler: Look at this! (he opens the curtain to a view of New York City)

Phoebe: Oh! You have a window!

Chandler: Yes indeedy! (they look outside) With a beautiful view of...

Phoebe: Oh look! That guy's peeing!

Chandler: (walks away from window) OK, that's enough of the view. Check this out, look at this. Sit down, sit down.

Phoebe: (sitting) OK.

Chandler: This is great! (he presses a button on his intercom) Helen, could you come in here for a moment?

(An unamused woman walks into the office.)

Chandler: Thank you Helen, that'll be all.

(She leaves, obviously perturbed.)

Chandler: Last time I do that, I promise.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone. Rachel walks in and overhears the conversation.]

Monica: (shouting on phone) Wendy, we had a deal! (Listens) Yeah, you promised! Wendy! Wendy! Wendy! (hangs up)

Rachel: Who was that?

Monica: Wendy bailed. I have no waitress.

Rachel: Oh... that's too bad. Bye bye. (she walks away towards the door)

Monica: Ten dollars an hour.

Rachel: No.

Monica: Twelve dollars an hour.

Rachel: Mon. I wish I could, but I've made plans to walk around.

Monica: You know, Rachel, when you ran out of your wedding, I was there for you. I put a roof over your head, and if that means nothing to you... (Rachel isn't buying it, desperate) twenty dollars an hour.

Rachel: Done.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, later. Rachel is waitressing, Monica is cooking. Phoebe walks in with Steve (Crystal Duck winner Jon Lovitz).]

Rachel: Well hello! Welcome to Monica's. May I take your coat?

Monica: Hi Steve!

Steve: Hello, Monica. (to Rachel) Hello, greeter girl.

Monica: (to Steve) This is Rachel.

Steve: (unconcerned) Yeah, OK.

Phoebe: (overemphasizing) Mmmmmm! Everything smells so delicious! You know, I can't remember a time I smelt such a delicious combination of (Monica signals her to stop) of, OK, smells.

Steve: It's a lovely apartment.

Monica: Oh, thank you. Would you like a tour?

Steve: I was just being polite, but, alright.

(They leave on the tour and Rachel goes to follow them but Phoebe stops her and drags her into the kitchen.)

Rachel: What's up?

Phoebe: (whispers) In the cab, on the way over, Steve blazed up a doobie.

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: Smoked a joint? You know, lit a bone? Weed? Hemp? Ganja?

Rachel: OK, OK. I'm with you, Cheech. OK.

Steve: (from the living room) Is it dry in here? (licks his lips)

Rachel: Let me, let me get you some wine!

Monica: Yeah, I think we're ready for our first course. (Steve sits, Monica brings over a tray) OK, um, these are rot-shrimp ravioli, and celantro pondou sauce... (Steve starts to eat them one by one, quickly)... with just a touch of mints... and... (he finishes)... ginger.

Steve: Well, smack my ass and call me Judy! These are fantastic!

Monica: I'm so glad you liked them!

Steve: Like 'em? I could eat a hundred of them!

Monica: Oh, well... um, that's all there are of these. But in about eight and a half minutes, we'll be serving some delicious onion tartlets.

Steve: Tartlets. Tartlets. Tartlets. The word has lost all meaning. (he gets up and goes into the kitchen)

Rachel: Excuse me? Can I help you with anything?

Steve: You know, I don't know what I'm looking for.

(Rachel tries to get Monica's attention to tell her Steve is stoned. She pretends to drag on a joint, and Monica thinks she's giving her the 'OK' signal. Then Rachel does it again, inhaling deeply this time. Monica waves it off as though she doesn't believe it.)

Steve: (from kitchen) Ah, cool! Taco shells! (Rachel motions, "You see!") You know, these are... they're like a little corn envelope.

Monica: (joining him and taking the taco shells) You know that? You don't want to spoil your appetite.

Steve: (looking in cabinets) Hey! Sugar-O's! (grabs the cereal box)

Monica: You know, if you just wait another... six and a half minutes...

Steve: Macaroni and cheese! We gotta make this!

Monica: No, we don't. (reaches for box)

Steve: Oh, OK. (he drops the box on the floor) Oh, sorry. (When she bends down to pick it up he grabs a package of Gummi-bears from the cabinet.)

Monica: Why don't you just have a seat here? (he sits at the table, then tries to secretly eat the Gummi-bears. Monica spots him.) OK... give me the Gummi-bears.

Steve: (childishly) No.

Monica: Give them to me.

Steve: Alright, we'll share.

Monica: No, give me the...

Steve: Well then you can't have any. (she grabs for the package, and it breaks open. Gummi-bears fly everywhere, some into the punch bowl on the table.) Bear overboard! I think he's drowning. (he throws some Sugar-O's into the punch bowl) Hey fellows! Grab on a Sugar-O... save yourself! (Mimicking the bears) "Help!  I'm drowning!   Help!"

Monica: (furious) That's it! Dinner is over!

Steve: What?

Monica: What?

Steve: Why?

Monica: Why? It's just that I've waited seven years for an opportunity like this, and you can't even wait four and a half minutes for a stupid onion tartlet?

(The oven goes off.)

Steve: (excited) Hey!

[Scene: Central Perk, all are there except Chandler.]

Joey: What a tool!

Rachel: You don't want to work for a guy like that.

Ross: Yeah!

Monica: I know... it's just... I thought this was, you know... it.

Ross: Look, you'll get there. You're an amazing chef.

Phoebe: Yeah! You know all those yummy noises? I wasn't faking.

(Ross gets up and goes over to the counter and Joey follows him.)

Joey: (to Ross) So, er... how did it go with Celia?

Ross: Oh, I was unbelievable.

Joey: All right, Ross!

Ross: I was the James Michener of dirty talk. It was the most elaborate filth you have ever heard. I mean, there were characters, plot lines, themes, a motif... at one point there were villagers.

Joey: Whoa! And the... (gestures with hands) huh-huh?

Ross: Well, ahem... you know, by the time we'd finished with all the dirty talk, it was kinda late... and we were both kind of exhausted, so uh...

Joey: You cuddled.

Ross: Yeah, which was nice.

Phoebe: You guys wanna try and catch a late movie or something?

Rachel: Maybe, but shouldn't we wait for Chandler?

Joey: Yeah, where the hell is he?

[Scene: Chandler's office, he's on the phone, agitated.]

Chandler: (on phone) Yes, Fran. I know what time it is, but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!... (Listens) Oh, really, really, really? Well, let me tell you something... you will care about it, because I care about it! You got it? Good! (slams phone down, then leans back and realizes what just happened) Whooooaaaa....

Closing Credits

[Scene: Phoebe's massage parlour, she has Steve on the table, and is giving him an extra-painful massage.]

Phoebe: How's this? (presses down hard)

Steve: Eeeee!

Phoebe: Sorry. How about over here? (presses down hard again)

Steve: Aaaaah!

Phoebe: See, that just means it's working. Does this hurt? (presses down elsewhere)

Steve: No.

Phoebe: What about this? (she starts using her elbows on his back, he yells in pain)

Steve: Aaaaahhh!!

Phoebe: There you go! (She continues to work him over with her elbows and he continues to yell in pain.)

End

114. The One With the Candy Hearts

[Scene: Central Perk, Ross is eyeing a beautiful woman at the counter, and Joey and Chandler are egging him on to go talk to her. No pun intended. I mean it.]

Joey: I'm tellin' you Ross, she wants you.

Ross: She barely knows me. We just live in the same building.

Chandler: Any contact?

Ross: She lent me an egg once.

Joey: You're in!

Ross: Aw, right.

Woman: Hi, Ross.

Ross: Hey. (stutters something incoherent)

Chandler: Come on, Ross, you gotta get back in the game here, ok? The Rachel thing's not happening, your ex-wife is a lesbian—I don't think we need a third...

Joey: Excuse me, could we get an egg over here, still in the shell? Thanks.

Ross: An egg?

Joey: Yeah, you're gonna go up to her and say, "Here's your egg back, I'm returning your egg."

Chandler: I think it's winning.

Ross: I think it's insane.

Chandler: She'll love it. Go with the egg, my friend.

(Ross walks over to the woman, egg in hand.)

Joey: Think it'll work?

Chandler: No, it's suicide. The man's got an egg.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Monica, Rachel, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler are there. Ross is still talking to the beautiful woman.]

Monica: You can not do this.

Rachel: Do what, do what?

Monica: Roger wants to take her out tomorrow night.

Rachel: No! Phoebes! Don't you remember why you dumped the guy?

Phoebe: 'Cause he was creepy, and mean, and a little frightening... alright, still, it's nice to have a date on Valentine's Day!

Monica: But Phoebe, you can go out with a creepy guy any night of the year. I know I do.

Rachel: Well, what are you guys doing tomorrow night?

Joey: Actually, tomorrow night kinda depends on how tonight goes.

Chandler: Oh, uh, listen, about tonight...

Joey: No, no, no, don't you dare bail on me. The only reason she's goin' out with me is because I said I could bring a friend for her friend.

Chandler: Yes, I know, but her friend sounds like such a...

Joey: Pathetic mess? I know, but—come on, man, she's needy, she's vulnerable. I'm thinkin', cha-ching! (Rachel throws a roll at Joey. He picks it up and eats it.) Thanks. Look, you have not been out with a woman since Janice. You're doin' this.

Ross: Hi. She said yes.

Chandler: Yes! Way to go, man! (Chandler and Ross hug. Something crunches in Ross' shirt pocket.) Still got the egg, huh?

[Scene: A Restaurant, Joey and Chandler are there, waiting for their dates to show up.]

Joey: (Looking at himself in the reflection on a knife) How do I look?

Chandler: Oh, uh, I... don't... care. (Joey's date shows up) Ok, now, remember, no trading. You get the pretty one, I get the mess.

Lorraine: Hi, Joey. Well well, look what you brought. Very nice.

Chandler: ...And what did you bring?

Lorraine: She's checking the coats. Joey, I'm gonna go wash the cab smell off my hands. Will you get me a white Zinfandel, and a glass of red for Janice.

Chandler: Janice?

(Lorraine leaves. Joey shakes his head as though to say, 'It can't be the same Janice.' Janice enters.)

Janice: Oh.... my.... God.

Chandler: (angrily) Hey, it's Janice.

[Scene: The bathroom at the restaurant, Chandler and Joey are talking.]

Chandler: Ok, I'm makin' a break for it, I'm goin' out the window.

Joey: No, no, no, don't! I've been waitin' for like, forever to go out with Lorraine. Just calm down.

Chandler: Calm down? Calm down? You set me up with the woman that I've dumped twice in the last five months!

Joey: (at the urinal) Can you stop yellin'? You're makin' me nervous, and I can't go when I'm nervous.

Chandler: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right. (gets up right behind Joey and yells in his ear) Come on, do it, do it, go, come on!!!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are all there, discussing their bad luck with men.]

Rachel: Ok, ok, Roger was creepy, but he was nothing compared to Pete Carney.

Monica: Which one was Pete Carney?

Rachel: Pete the Weeper? Remember that guy who used to cry every time we had sex. (imitating) "Was it good for you?"

Monica: Yeah, well, I'll take a little crying any day over Howard-the-"I-win"-guy. (imitating) "I win! I win!" I went out with the guy for two months—I didn't get to win once.

Rachel: How did we end up with these jerks? We're good people!

Monica: I don't know. Maybe we're some kinda magnets.

Phoebe: I know I am. That's why I can't wear a digital watch.

Monica: There's more beer, right?

Phoebe: Oh! You know my friend Abby who shaves her head? She said that if you want to break the bad boyfriend cycle, you can do like a cleansing ritual.

Rachel: Pheebes, this woman is voluntarily bald.

Phoebe: Yeah. So, we can do it tomorrow night, you guys. It's Valentine's Day. It's perfect.

Monica: Ok, well, what kind of ritual?

Phoebe: Ok. We can, um, we can burn the stuff they gave us.

Rachel: Or?

Phoebe: Or...or we can chant and dance around naked, you know, with sticks.

Monica: Burning's good.

Rachel: Burning's good. Yeah, I got stuff to burn.

[Scene: The Restaurant, Joey, Lorraine, Chandler, and Janice are at the table. Joey and Lorraine are seated very close, Chandler and Janice have backed their chairs away from one another.]

Lorraine: You know, ever since I was little, I've been able to pick up quarters with my toes.

Joey: Good for you. (jumps suddenly) Uh, quarters or rolls of quarters?

Janice: By the way, Chandler. I cut you out of all my pictures. So if you want, I have a bag with just your heads.

Chandler: That's OK.

Janice: Oh, are you sure? Really? Because you know, you could make little puppets out of them, and you could use them in your theater of cruelty.

(Lorraine whispers into Joey's ear.)

Joey: (to Lorraine) We can't do that.

Chandler: (disgusted) What? What can't you do?

Joey: Uh, can I talk to you for a second, over there?

(Chandler and Joey leave the table.)

Joey: Uh, we might be leaving now.

Chandler: Tell me it's "you and me" we.

Joey: She said she wants to slather my body with stuff and then lick it off. I'm not even sure what slathering is, but I definitely want to be a part of it.

Chandler: Ok, you can not do this to me.

Joey: You're right, I'm sorry. You're right.

Lorraine: (to waiter) Uh, can we have three chocolate mousses to go please?

Joey: I'm outta here. Here's my credit card. Dinner's on me. I'm sorry, Chandler.

Chandler: I hope she throws up on you.

(Joey leaves with Lorraine. Chandler sits back down with Janice.)

Chandler: So...

Janice: Just us.

Chandler: Oh, what a crappy night!

Janice: Although, I have enjoyed the fact that, uh your shirt's been stickin' outta your zipper ever since you came back from the bathroom.

Chandler: Excuse me. (gets up, jumps up and down while he zips his zipper up... other patrons look at him) How ya doin'?

Janice: So, do we have the best friends or what?

Chandler: Joey's not a friend. He's...a stupid man who left us his credit card. Another drink? Some dessert? A big screen TV?

Janice: I will go for that drink.

Chandler: You got it. Good woman! (the waiter turns around, it's a man) Could we get a bottle of your most overpriced champagne?

Janice: Each.

Chandler: That's right, each. Oh, and a uh Rob Roy. (to Janice) I've always wanted to know...

[Scene: Chandler's bedroom, Chandler wakes up, and finds someone else's hand on his chest. He rolls over and is shocked to see Janice there.]

Janice: Happy Valentine's Day!

Commercial Break

[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler is trying to get Janice out of his apartment.]

Janice: Oh, I miss you already. Can you believe this happened?

Chandler: No... no! And yet it did. Good-bye, Janice.

Janice: Kiss me!

(Janice kisses him. Monica comes out for the newspaper.}

Monica: Oh, Chandler, sorry.

(Janice turns around, Monica sees who it is.)

Monica: Ohhh, Chandler, sorry! Hey, Janice.

Janice: Hi, Monica.

Chandler: Ok, well, this was very special.

Monica: Rach, come see who's out here!

(Rachel comes out.)

Rachel: Oh my god. Janice, hi!

Chandler: Janice is gonna go away now.

Monica: I'll be right back.

(Joey enters from the stairs.)

Rachel: Oh, Joey, look who it is.

Joey: (in disbelief) Whoa.

Chandler: Oh, good, Joey's home now.

Janice: This is so fun. This is like a reunion in the hall.

(Monica comes out with her cordless phone.)

Monica: Oh, hi, Ross. Yeah. There's someone I want you to say hi to. (to Chandler) He just happened to call.

Janice: Hi, Ross. Yes, it's me. How did you know? (she laughs obnoxiously)

[Scene: A Chinese Restaurant, Ross is there with his date.]

Ross: I'm just sayin' if dogs do experience jet lag, then, because of the whole um, seven dog years to one human year thing, then, when a dog flies from New York to Los Angeles, he doesn't just lose three hours, he loses like a week and a half.

(Ross starts to laugh, and then makes a face like 'Why did I just say that?' Ross' ex-wife, Carol, and her lesbian lover, Susan, enter the restaurant. Ross stares at them.)

Kristin: That's funny. Who are they?

Ross: The blond woman is my ex-wife, and the woman touching her is her... close, personal friend.

Kristin: You mean they're lovers.

Ross: If you wanna put a label on it.

Kristin: Wow, uh, anything else I should know?

Ross: Nope, nope, that's it.

(Carol takes off her jacket, her pregnant belly is exposed.)

Ross: Oh, and she's pregnant with my baby. I always forget that part. (to Carol and Susan) Helloo!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the girls are holding their boyfriend bonfire.]

Phoebe: Ok, so now we need, um sage branches and the sacramental wine.

Monica: All I have is, is oregano and a Fresca.

Phoebe: Um, that's ok! (throws it in fire) Ok. All right. Now we need the semen of a righteous man.

Rachel: Ok, Pheebs, you know what, if we had that, we wouldn't be doing the ritual in the first place.

Monica: Can we just start throwing things in?

Phoebe: Ok, yeah, ok. (she throws the directions in) Oh, OK.

Rachel: (tossing things in the fire) Ok, Barry's letters. Adam Ritter's boxer shorts.

Phoebe: Ok, and I have the, uh receipt for my dinner with Nokululu Oon Ah Ah.

Monica: Look, here's a picture of Scotty Jared naked.

Rachel: (looking at picture) Hey he's wearing a sweater.

Monica: No.

Rachel and Phoebe: Eww!

Rachel: And here we have the last of Paulo's grappa.

Monica: Hey, Rachel, isn't that stuff almost pure...

(Rachel throws the alcohol in the fire. A burst of flames shoots up from it.)

[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are there. Chandler is preparing to dump Janice again.]

Chandler: How can I dump this woman on Valentine's day?

Joey: I don't know. You dumped her on New Year's.

Chandler: Oh, man. In my next life, I'm coming back as a toilet brush.

(Janice enters.)

Janice: Hello, funny Valentine.

Chandler: Hi, Just Janice.

Janice: Hello, Joey, our little matchmaker. I could just kiss you all over, and I'm gonna!

(Janice kisses Joey all over. Chandler smiles.)

Joey: (to Chandler) If you don't do it, I will.

[Scene: The Chinese Restaurant.]

Ross: So, um, what do you do for a living?

Kristin: Well, um, for the past few years I've been working..(Ross is watching Carol and Susan, not listening to Kristin. Susan gets up, and has to go. Carol is left stranded)...which is funny because, that wasn't even my major.

Carol: Oh no. I thought you said they could shoot the spot without you.

Susan: I thought they could...I'll try to get back as soon as I can. I'm sorry. (Ross realizes Kristin was expecting him to laugh, so he starts to laugh hysterically.)

Ross: Now that is funny. Hey, do you think...would it be too weird if I invited Carol over to join us? 'Cause she's, she's alone now, and pregnant, and, and sad.

Kristin: (reluctantly) I guess.

Ross: Are you sure? Great. Carol? Wanna come over and join us?

Carol: Oh, no no no. I'm fine. I'm fine.

Ross: Come on. These people'll scooch down. You guys'll scooch, won't you? Let's try scooching! Come on. Come on. Uh, Kristen Riggs, this is Carol Willick. Carol, Kristin. Uh, Carol teaches sixth grade. And, Kristin, Kristin...(struggling)...does something that, funnily enough, wasn't even her major!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, firemen are there to handle the bonfire that got out of control.]

Fireman No. 1: What do we got there?

Fireman No. 2: A piece of something: boxer shorts, greeting cards, and what looks like a half-charred picture—Wow, that guy's hairier than the Chief!

Monica: You know, it's a really funny story how this happened.

Fireman No. 3: It's all right. It's all right. You don't have to explain. This isn't the first boyfriend bonfire that we've seen get out of control.

Fireman No. 1: You're our third call tonight.

Rachel: Really?

Fireman No. 2: Oh, sure, Valentine's is our busiest night of the year.

[Scene: Central Perk.]

Janice: I brought you something.

Chandler: Is it loaded? Oh, little candy hearts. (reading the candy) Chan and Jan Forever.

Janice: I had them made special.

Chandler: Ok, Janice. Janice. Hey, Janice. Look, there's no way for me to tell you this. At least there's no new way for me to tell you this. I just don't things are gonna work out.

Janice: That's fine.

Chandler: (surprised) It is?

Janice: Mmm-hmm. Because I know that this isn't the end.

Chandler: Oh no, you see, actually it is.

Janice: No, it isn't, because you won't let that happen. Don't you know it yet? You love me, Chandler Bing.

Chandler: Oh, no I don't.

Janice: Well then ask yourself this. Why do you think we keep ending up together? New Year's? Who invited who? Valentine's? Who asked who into whose bed?

Chandler: I did, but...

Janice: You seek me out. Something deep in your soul calls out to me like a foghorn. Janice, Janice. You want me. You need me. You can't live without me. And you know it. You just don't know you know it. See ya.

(She kisses him passionately,then leaves.)

Chandler: Call me!

[Scene: The Chinese Restaurant, Ross and Carol are talking. Kristin is not there.]

Carol: It's not true. I never called your mother a wolverine.

Ross: You did so. I swear, I swear—(noticing Kristin's absence) How long has she been in the bathroom?

Carol: Uh, I don't think she's in the bathroom. Her coat is gone.

Ross: Well maybe it's cold in there. Or maybe I screwed up the first date I had in 9 years.

Carol: That could be it.

Ross: Oh, god. (He puts his head down on the grill) You know, this is still pretty hot. (He picks his head up, and a mushroom sticks to his head. Carol picks it off and eats it.)

Carol: Mushroom. Smile. They won't all be like this. Some women might even stay through dinner. Sorry, that's not funny

Ross: No, it's just...you know the whole "getting on with your life" thing. Well, do I have to? I mean, I'm sitting here with this cute woman, and, and, and she's perfectly nice, and, but that there's, that's it. And um, and then I'm here talkin' to you, and, and it's easy, and it's fun, and, and I don't, I don't have to...You know, here's a wacky thought. Um, what's say you and I give it another shot? No no no, I know what you're gonna say, you're a lesbian. But what do you say we just put that aside for now you know? Let's just stick a pin in it, ok? Because, we're great together, you know. You can't deny it. Besides, you're carrying my baby. I mean, how perfect is that? But see, you know, you keep sayin' that, but there's somethin' right here. I love you.

(They kiss.)

Carol: Oh, I love you too. But...

Ross: No but, no but.

Carol: You know that thing you put over here with the pin in it? It's time to take the pin out. You'll find someone, I know you will. The right woman is just waiting for you.

Ross: That's easy for you to say, you found one already.

Carol: All you need is a woman who likes men and you'll be set.

(A beautiful woman walks by Ross, he stares at her.)

Carol: Not her.

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, The girls are talking with the firemen.]

Fireman No. 3: We get off around midnight, why don't we pick you up then?

Rachel: So, um, will you bring the truck?

Fireman No. 3: I'll even let you ring the bell.

Rachel: Oh, my god.

Phoebe: See, there you go, the cleansing works!

Monica: They're nice guys.

Rachel: Oh, they're firemen guys.

[Scene: Out in the hall, the firemen are talking.]

Fireman No. 1: You guys tell them you were married?

Fireman No. 2: No way!

Fireman No. 3: Are you kidding? My girlfriend doesn't know, I'm not gonna tell them!

End

113. The One With the Boobies

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Chandler walks in and starts raiding the fridge. Then Rachel comes out of the shower with a towel wrapped round her waist, drying herself with another towel. Chandler and Rachel startle each other and she drops the towel for a second and snatches the rug off the couch.]

Rachel: That is it! You just barge in here, you don't knock

Chandler: I'm sorry!

Rachel: You have no respect for anybody's privacy!

Chandler: Rachel, wait, wait.

Rachel: No, you wait! This is ridiculous!

Chandler: Can I just say one thing?

Rachel: What? What?!

Chandler: That's a relatively open weave and I can still see your... nipular areas.

Rachel: Oh!!

(She storms off)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Central Perk, Phoebe is there with her boyfriend Roger, talking to Rachel and Monica.]

Phoebe: Oh, honey, honey, tell them the story about your patient who thinks things are, like, other things. Y'know? Like, the phone rings and she takes a shower.

Roger: That's pretty much it.

Phoebe: Oops!

Roger: But you tell it really well, sweetie.

Phoebe: Thanks. Okay, now go away so we can talk about you.

Roger: Okay. I'll miss you.

Phoebe: Isn't he great?

Rachel: He's so cute! And he seems to like you so much.

Phoebe: I know, I know. So sweet... and so complicated. And for a shrink, he's not too shrinky, y'know?

Monica: So, you think you'll do it on his couch?

Phoebe: Oh, I don't know, I don't know. I think that's a little weird, y'know? Vinyl.

Rachel: Okaaay. (To the guys, on the couch) Any of you guys want anything else?

Chandler: Oh, yes, could I have one of those. (Points)

Rachel: No, I'm sorry, we're all out of those. Anybody else?

Chandler: Okay.

Roger: Did I, uh, did I miss something?

Chandler: No, she's still upset because I saw her boobies.

Ross: You what? Wh what were you doing seeing her boobies?

Chandler: It was an accident. Not like I was across the street with a telescope and a box of donuts.

Rachel: Okay, okay, could we change the subject, please?

Phoebe: Yeah, 'cause hello, these are not her boobies, these are her breasts.

Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, I was hoping for more of a change.

Chandler: Y'know, I don't know why you're so embarrassed, they were very nice boobies.

Rachel: Nice? They were nice. I mean, that's it? I mean, mittens are nice.

Chandler: Okaaay, (Gestures) rock, hard place, me.

Roger: You're so funny! He's really funny! I wouldn't wanna be there when when the laughter stops.

Chandler: Whoah whoah, back up there, Sparky. What'd you mean by that?

Roger: Oh, just seems as though that maybe you have intimacy issues. Y'know, that you use your humour as a way of keeping people at a distance.

Chandler: Huh.

Roger: I mean hey! I just met you, I don't know you from Adam. ...Only child, right? Parents divorced before you hit puberty.

Chandler: Uhhuh, how did you know that?

Roger: It's textbook.

(Joey enters with his dad)

Joey: Hey you guys. Hey, you all know my dad, right?

All: Hey! Hey, Mr. Trib!

Monica: Hey, how long are you in the city?

Mr. Tribbiani: Just for a coupla days. I got a job midtown. I figure I'm better off staying with the kid than hauling my ass back and forth on the ferry. (Sees Roger) I don't know this one.

Phoebe: Oh, this is my friend Roger.

Roger: Hi.

Mr. Tribbiani: Hey, hey. Good to meet you, Roger.

Roger: You too, sir.

Mr. Tribbiani: (To Phoebe) What happened to the, uh, puppet guy?

Joey: Dad, dad. (Shakes his head)

Mr. Tribbiani: Oh, 'scuse me. So Ross, uh, how's the wife? (Ross whines and lays his head on Chandler's shoulder) Off there too, uh? Uh, Chandler, quick, say something funny!

(Chandler stays stonefaced)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Mr. Tribbiani is on the phone.]

Mr. Tribbiani: Gotta go. I miss you too, I love you, but it's getting real late now

Joey: (Snatches the phone) Hey Ma. Listen, I made the appointment with Dr. Bazida, and... Excuse me? (To his dad) Did you know this isn't Ma?

(His dad nods. Cut to later. Joey is chopping mushrooms)

Mr. Tribbiani: Her name's Ronni. She's a pet mortician.

Joey: Sure. So how long you been... (Goes back to chopping)

Mr. Tribbiani: Remember when you were a little kid, I used to take you to the navy yard and show you the big ships?

Joey: Since then?!

Mr. Tribbiani: No, it's only been six years. I just wanted to put a nice memory in your head so you'd know that I wasn't always such a terrible guy. ...Joe. Y'ever been in love?

Joey: ...I d'know.

Mr. Tribbiani: Then y'haven't. You're burning your tomatoes.

Joey: You're one to talk. (Puts the mushrooms in a saucepan)

Mr. Tribbiani: Joe, your dad's in love big time. And the worst part of it is, it's with two different women.

Joey: Oh man. Please tell me one of 'em is Ma.

Mr. Tribbiani: Of course, course one of 'em's Ma. What's the matter with you.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is lamenting to everyone about hid dad's affair.]

Joey: It's like if you woke up one day and found out your dad was leading this double life. He's like actually some spy, working for the C.I.A. (Considers) That'd be cool.... This blows!

Rachel: I know, I mean, why can't parents just stay parents? (She walks over near Chandler and his gaze stays very obviously on her chest) Why do they have to become people? Why do they have... (Notices Chandler) Why can't you stop staring at my breasts?

Chandler: (Without looking up) What? (Looks up) What?

Rachel: Did you not get a good enough look the other day?

Ross: Alright, alright. We're all adults here, there's only one way to resolve this. Since you saw her boobies, I think, uh, you're gonna have to show her your peepee.

Chandler: Y'know, I don't see that happening?

Rachel: C'mon, he's right. Tit for tat.

Chandler: Well I'm not showing you my 'tat.'

(Door buzzer goes)

Monica: Hello?

Phoebe: (Intercom) It's Phoebe.

Roger: (Intercom) And Rog.

Monica: C'mon up.

Chandler: (Sarcastic) Oh, good. Rog is here.

Joey: What's the matter with Rog?

Ross: Yeah.

Chandler: Oh, it's nothing, it's a little thing... I hate that guy.

Ross: What, so he was a little analytical. That's what he does, y'know? C'mon, he's not that bad.

(Cut to Chandler, Ross and Roger sitting at the table. Ross is upset)

Ross: Y'see, that's where you're wrong. Why would I marry her if I thought on any level thatthat she was a lesbian?

Roger: I dunno. Maybe you wanted your marriage to fail.

Ross: Why? Why would I why? Why? Why? Why?

Roger: I don't know. Maybe maybe low self-esteem, maybe maybe to compensate for overshadowing a sibling, maybe you...

Monica: Wait-wait, go back to that sibling thing.

Roger: Well, I don't know. I mean, it's conceivable that you wanted to sabotage your marriage so that the sibling would feel less of a failure in the eyes of the parents.

Ross: That that's ridiculous! I don't feel guilty for her failures!

Monica: Oh! So you think I'm a failure!

Phoebe: Isn't he good?

Ross: Nonono, thatthat's not what I was saying...

Monica: Y'know, all these years, I thought you were on my side. But maybe what you were doing was sucking up to Mom and Dad so they'd keep liking you better!

Ross: Hey, I married a lesbian to make you look good!

(Cut to later. Rachel is in tears)

Rachel: You're right! I mean you're right! It wasn't just the Weebles, but it was the Weeble Play Palace, and and the Weebles' Cruise Ship. Oh, which had this little lifeboat for the Weebles to wobble in.

Roger: That's tough. Tough stuff. C'mon, Pheebs, we're gonna catch that movie, we gotta get going.

Phoebe: Oh, okay. Feel better, Rachel, 'kay?

Roger: Geez, we're gonna be late, sweetie...

Phoebe: Oh, okay. Listen, thanks for everything, Mon.

Monica: You're welcome.

Roger: Listen guys, it was great seeing you again. Mon, um, easy on those cookies, okay? Remember, they're just food, they're not love.

(He shuts the door and Ross and Monica fling cookies at it)

Monica: Hate that guy! (Throws another cookie)

[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Joey are just leaving Monica and Rachel's.]

Joey: Night, you guys.

(They notice that a woman is sitting by their door)

Chandler: Oh look, it's the woman we ordered.

Joey: Hey. Can, uh, can we help you?

Ronni: Oh, no thanks, I'm just waiting for, uh, Joey Tribbiani.

Joey: I'm Joey Tribbiani.

Ronni: Oh no, not you, big Joey. Oh my God, you're so much cuter than your pictures! (Joey stares at her) I-I'm, I'm Ronni....Cheese Nip?

Chandler: Uh, Joey's having an embolism, but I'd go for a Nip, y'know?

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ronni is talking to Chandler. Joey's dad is not around.]

Ronni: Now, y'see, most people, when their pets pass on, they want 'em sorta laid out like they're sleeping. But occasionally you get your person who wants them in a pose. Like, chasing their tail, (Demonstrates) or, uh, jumping to catch a frisbee.

Chandler: Joey, if I go first, I wanna be looking for my keys.

Ronni: That's a good one!

(Joey's dad enters.)

Mr. Tribbiani: Hey, Joe.

Joey: Dad, Ronni's here.

Mr. Tribbiani: Huh?

Ronni: Hi.

Mr. Tribbiani: Hey! Hello, babe! Wh what're what're you doing here?

Ronni: Oh, uh, well, you left your good hair at my apartment, I figured you'd need it tomorrow for your meeting. (Hands him the hair)

Mr. Tribbiani: Thank you. Uh...

Chandler: So, who's up for a big game of Kerplunk?

Ronni: Look, I uh, I shouldn'ta come. I-I'd better get going, I don't wanna miss the last train.

Mr. Tribbiani: I don't want you taking that thing.

Ronni: Oh, where'm I gonna stay, here?

Joey: Who-ah-ho.

Mr. Tribbiani: We'll go to a hotel.

Ronni: (Shrugs) We'll go to a hotel.

Joey: No you won't.

Ronni: No we won't.

Joey: If you go to a hotel you'll be...doing stuff. I want you right here where I can keep an eye on you.

Mr. Tribbiani: You're gonna keep an eye on us?

Joey: That's right, mister, and I don't care how old you are, as long as you're under my roof you're gonna live by my rules. And that means no sleeping with your girlfriend.

Ronni: Wow. He's strict.

Joey: Now dad, you'll be in my room, Ronni uh, you can stay in Chandler's room.

Ronni: Thanks. You're, uh, you're a good kid.

Chandler: C'mon, I'll show you to my room. ...That sounds so weird when it's not followed by "No thanks, it's late."

Joey: Okay. Now this is just for tonight. Starting tomorrow, you gotta make a change. This has gone on long enough.

Mr. Tribbiani: What kinda change?

Joey: Well, either you break it off with Ronni

Mr. Tribbiani: I can't do that!

Joey: Then you gotta come clean with Ma! This is not right!

Mr. Tribbiani: Yeah, but this is

Joey: I don't wanna hear it! Now go to my room!

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, night. Chandler and Joey are sharing the sofabed in the living room. Joey is restless.]

Chandler: Hey, Kicky. What're you doing?

Joey: Just trying to get comfortable. I can't sleep in my underwear.

Chandler: Well, you're gonna.

Joey: I've been thinking. Y'know, about how I'm always seeing girls on top of girls...

Chandler: Are they end to end, or tall like pancakes?

Joey: Y'know what I mean, about how I'm always going out with all these women. And I always figured, when the right one comes along, I'd be able to be a stand-up guy and go the distance, y'know? Now I'm looking at my dad, thinking...

Chandler: Hey, you're not him. You're you. When they were all over you to go into your father's pipe-fitting business, did you cave?

Joey: No.

Chandler: No. You decided to go into the out-of-work actor business. Now that wasn't easy, but you did it! And I'd like to believe that when the right woman comes along, you will have the courage and the guts to say "No thanks, I'm married."

Joey: You really think so?

Chandler: Yeah. I really do.

Joey: Thanks, Chandler. (Snuggles up to him)

Chandler: Get off!

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, morning. Someone knocks on the door and Monica gets it.]

Ronni: Hi.

Monica: Hi...May I help you?

Ronni: Yeah, uh, Joey said I could use your shower, since, uh, Chandler's in ours?

Monica: Okay...who are you?

Ronni: Oh, I'm Ronni. Ronni Rappelano? The mistress?

Monica: Oh, c'mon in.

Ronni: Thanks.

Rachel: Hi, I'm Rachel.

Ronni: Hi.

Rachel: Bathroom's up there.

Ronni: Great.

Rachel: Hey, listen, Ronni, how long would you say Chandler's been in the shower?

Ronni: Oh, like, uh, five minutes?

Rachel: Perfect. Fasten your seatbelts, it's peepee time. (She goes into Joey and Chandler's apartment, where Mr. Tribbiani is reading the paper) Hey, Mr. Trib.

Mr. Tribbiani: Hey. Morning, dear.

(Rachel goes up to the door of their bathroom)

Rachel: Chandler Bing? It's time to see your thing.

(She opens the door and whips back the curtain. It's Joey. They both scream)

Joey: (Runs out in a towel) What's the matter with you?!

Rachel: I thought it was Chandler!

Chandler: (Comes out of his room) What? What?

Rachel: You were supposed to be in there so I could see your thing!

Chandler: Sorry, my my thing was in there with me.

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there as Phoebe enters.]

All: Hey, Pheebs.

Phoebe: Hey.

Monica: How's it going?

Phoebe: Good. Oh oh! Roger's having a dinner thing and he wanted me to invite you guys.

(Chandler laughs)

Phoebe: So what's going on?

Monica: Nothing, um, it's just, um... It's Roger.

Ross: I dunno, there's just something about...

Chandler: Basically we just feel that he's...

Rachel: We hate that guy.

All: Yeah. Hate him.

Ross: We're sorry, Pheebs, we're sorry.

Phoebe: Uh-huh. Okay. Okay, don't you think, maybe, though, it's just that he's so perceptive that it freaks you out?

All: ...No, we hate him.

Rachel: We're sorry.

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's apartment, Joey is trying to turn the sofabed back into a sofa. Someone knocks on the door and it rears up at him.]

Joey: Ma! What're you doing here?

Mrs. Tribbiani: I came to give you this (Gives him a bag of groceries) and this. (Whacks him round the ear)

Joey: Oww! Big ring!

Mrs. Tribbiani: Why did you have to fill your father's head with all that garbage about making things right? Things were fine the way they were! There's chicken in there, put it away. For God's sake, Joey, really. (She gives the sofabed a tiny push and it folds away)

Joey: Hold on, you-you knew?

Mrs. Tribbiani: Of course I knew! What did you think? Your father is no James Bond. You should've heard some of his cover stories. "I'm sleeping over at my accountant's," I mean, what is that? Please!

Joey: So then how could you I mean, how could you?!

Mrs. Tribbiani: Do you remember how your father used to be? Always yelling, always yelling nothing made him happy, nothing made him happy, not that wood shop, not those stupid little ships in the bottle, nothing. Now he's happy! I mean, it's nice, he has a hobby.

Joey: Ma, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but... what the hell are you talking about?! I mean, what about you?

Mrs. Tribbiani: Me? I'm fine. Look, honey, in an ideal world, there'd be no her, and your father would look like Sting. And I'll tell you something else. Ever since that poodle-stuffer came along, he's been so ashamed of himself that he's been more attentive, he's been more loving... I mean, it's like every day's our anniversary.

Joey: I'm...happy...for you?

Mrs. Tribbiani: Well don't be, because now everything's screwed up. I just want it the way it was.

Joey: Ma, I'm sorry. I just did what I thought you'd want.

Mrs. Tribbiani: I know you did, cookie. Oh, I know you did. So tell me. Did you see her?

Joey: Yeah. You're ten times prettier than she is.

Mrs. Tribbiani: That's sweet. Could I take her?

Joey: With this ring? (Her engagement ring.) No contest.

[Scene: Central Perk. Phoebe is there with Roger.]

Roger: What's wrong, sweetie?

Phoebe: Nothing, nothing.

Roger: Aaaah, what's wrong, c'mon. (Pats his leg. She lies down and rests her head in his lap)

Phoebe: It's, I mean, it's nothing, I'm fine. It's my friends. They-they have a liking problem with you. In that, um, they don't.

Roger: Oh. They don't.

Phoebe: But they don't see all the wonderfulness that I see. They don't see all the good stuff and all the sweet stuff. They just think you're a little...

Roger: What?

Phoebe: Intense and creepy.

Roger: Oh.

Phoebe: But I don't. Me, Phoebe.

Roger: Well, I'm not I'm not at all surprised they feel that way.

Phoebe: You're not? See, that's why you're so great!

Roger: Actually it's, it's quite, y'know, typical behaviour when you have this kind of dysfunctional group dynamic. Y'know, this kind of co-dependant, emotionally stunted, sitting in your stupid coffee house with your stupid big cups which, I'm sorry, might as well have nipples on them, and you're like all 'Oh, define me! Define me! Love me, I need love!'.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is letting everyone in on the new developments.]

Monica: So you talked to your dad, huh.

Joey: Yeah. He's gonna keep cheating on my ma like she wanted, she's gonna keep pretending she doesn't know even though she does, and my little sister Tina can't see her husband any more because he got a restraining order...which has nothing to do with anything except that I found out today.

Rachel: Wow.

Chandler: Things sure have changed here on Waltons mountain.

Ross: So Joey, you okay?

Joey: Yeah, I guess. It's just parents, after a certain point, you gotta let go. Even if you know better, you've gotta let them make their own mistakes.

Rachel: Just think, in a couple of years we get to turn into them.

Chandler: If I turn into my parents, I'll either be an alcoholic blond chasing after twenty-year-old boys, or... I'll end up like my mom.

Phoebe: (entering) Hey.

All: Hey, Pheebs.

Monica: How's it going?

Phoebe: Oh, okay, except I broke up with Roger.

All: Awww.

Phoebe: Yeah, right.

All: Aaawwwwww!!

Rachel: What happened?

Phoebe: I don't know, I mean, he's a good person, and he can be really sweet, and in some ways I think he is so right for me, it's just... I hate that guy!

Closing Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's. Phoebe is reading the paper and Joey enters.]

Phoebe: Hey, Joey. What's going on?

Joey: Clear the tracks for the boobie payback express. Next stop: Rachel Green. (He goes into the bathroom. We hear a scream and he comes out, closely followed by Monica in a towel)

Monica: Joey!! What the hell were you doing?!

Joey: Sorry. Wrong boobies.

(He leaves. Cut to Monica entering Chandler and Joey's apartment. She sneaks up to the shower door)

Monica: Hello, Joey.

(She whips back the curtain to reveal Joey's dad)

Mr. Tribbiani: Oh! ...Hello, dear. (She whips the curtain shut in horror)

End

112. The One With the Dozen Lasagnas

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there. Ross working on crossword puzzle, starts humming theme from The Odd Couple. Chandler joins in, followed by Monica and Phoebe, then the whole gang. Ross starts humming theme from I Dream Of Jeannie.]

Chandler: No-no-no-no, we're done.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone in the kitchen.]

Monica: Aunt Syl, stop yelling! All I'm saying is that if you had told me vegetarian lasagna, I would have made vegetarian lasagna. (pauses, listens to person on phone) Well, the meat's only every third layer, maybe you could scrape.

(Camera moves to Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, and Joey sitting in living room)

Joey: Ross, did you really read all these baby books?

Ross: Yup! You could plunk me down in the middle of any woman's uterus, no compass, and I can find my way out of there like that! (snaps fingers)

Phoebe: Ooh, this is cool...it says in some parts of the world, people actually eat the placenta. (Joey grimaces)

Chandler: And, we're done with the yogurt. (Sets yogurt down on table)

Phoebe: (softly) Sorry. (Camera pans back to Monica, still on phone)

Monica: Aunt Syl, I did this as a favor, I am not a caterer. What do you want me to do with a dozen lasagnas? (listens to Aunt Syl on phone, looks shocked) Nice talk, Aunt Syl. (in New York accent) You kiss Uncle Freddie with that mouth?

(Camera pans back to group in living room)

Joey: Hey Ross, listen, you know that right now, your baby's only this big? (measures about 2 inches with his thumb and index finger) This is your baby. (in baby-like voice) Hi Daddy!

Ross: (waves) Hello!

Joey: (in baby-like voice) How come you don't live with Mommy? (pause; shows Ross less than amused) How come Mommy lives with that other lady? (pause; Ross still looks less than amused; Joey smiling) What's a lesbian? (playfully hits Ross)

(Rachel enters with Paolo, speaking Italian. Ross looks annoyed)

Rachel: Honey, you can say it, Poconos, Poconos, it's like Poc-o-nos (touching Paolo's nose with forefinger with each syllable)

Paolo: Ah, poke (Paolo touches Rachel's nose) a (touches nose again) nose, mmm (they rub noses, then kisses her)

Joey, Chandler, and Ross: (sitting in living room, imitating Paolo) Mma, Mma, Mmaah

(Camera pans to Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe in the kitchen)

Monica: So, did I hear Poconos?

Rachel: Yes, my sister's giving us her place for the weekend.

Phoebe: Woo-hoo, first weekend away together!

Monica: Yeah, that's a big step.

Rachel: I know...

(Camera pans to Ross, looking dejected)

Chandler: (to Ross) Ah, it's just a weekend, big deal!

Ross: Wasn't this supposed to be just a fling, huh? Shouldn't it be...(makes flinging motions with hands) flung by now?

(Camera pans back to Rachel)

Rachel: I mean, we are way past the fling thing, I mean, I am feeling things that I've only read about in Danielle Steele books, you know? I mean, when I'm with him, I'm totally, totally...

(Camera pans to Ross, holding his stomach)

Ross: ...nauseous, I'm physically nauseous. What am I supposed to do, huh? Call immigration? (pauses, looks suddenly inspired) I could call immigration!

[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Joey leaving girls' apartment, carrying lasagna.]

Joey: I love babies, with their little baby shoes, and their little baby toes, and their little baby hands...

Chandler: Ok, you're going to have to stop that, forever!

(Joey opens door, throws keys on kitchen table, table falls over)

Joey: Need a new table.

Chandler: You think?

[Scene: Carol and Susan's, there's a knock on the door and Carol answers it to Ross.]

Carol: Hey hey, come on in!

(Ross enters, carrying lasagna)

Ross: Hey, hello! mmwa! (kisses Carol) I brought all the books, and Monica sends her love, along with this lasagna.

Carol: Oh great! Is it vegetarian, 'cause Susan doesn't eat meat.

Ross: (pauses) I'm pretty sure that it is...

Carol: So, I got the results of the amnio today.

Ross: (making flinging gestures with hands) Oh, tell me, tell me, is everything, uhh....?

Carol: Totally and completely healthy!

Ross: Oh, that's great, that is great! (Hugs and kisses Carol. Then picks up a picture frame)

Ross: Hey, when did you and Susan meet Huey Lewis?

Carol: Uh, that's our friend Tanya.

Ross: (surprised, chuckling nervously) Of course it's your friend Tanya. (looks up frightenedly)

Carol: Don't you want to know about the sex?

Ross: (chuckles nervously) The sex? (chuckles) Um, I'm having enough trouble with the image of you and Susan together, when you throw in Tanya (miming washing hair, that's the best I could think of), yaw...

Carol: The sex of the baby, Ross.

Ross: Oh, you know the sex of the baby? Oh, oh-oh-oh!

Carol: Do you want to know?

Ross: No, no, no, no, no, I don't want to know, absolutely not. I think, you know, I think you should know until you look down there, and say, oop, there it is! (pauses) Or isn't...

(Susan enters)

Susan: Oh, hello Ross!

Ross: Susan...

Susan: So, so, did you hear?

Ross: Yes, we did, everything's A-OK!

Susan: Oh, that's so... (Susan hugs Carol, they giggle, Ross steps away) It really is...do we know...?

Carol: Yes, we certainly do, it's going to be...

Ross: (flailing arms in protest) Oh, hey hey hey, ho ho ho, hello, guy who doesn't want to know, standing right here!

Susan: Oh, well, is it what we thought it would be?

Carol: Mm-hmmm (Susan and Carol hug, giggling. Ross stands back, reaches out and lightly taps Susan's shoulder)

Ross: Ok, what, what...ok, what did we think it was going to be?

Carol and Susan: It's a...

Ross: (interrupts) No, no, no I don't want to know, don't want to know. Ok, you know, I should probably, I should probably just go.

Carol: Well, thanks for the books.

Ross: No problem, ok, mmmwa (kisses Carol) oh, mmmwa (kisses Carol's stomach, then punches Susan's shoulder) Susan... (Ross leaves.)

Susan: All right, who should we call first, your folks, or Deb and Rona? (intercom buzzer rings)

Carol: Hello?

Ross: (on intercom) Uh, never mind, I don't want to know. (Carol and Susan laugh)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's,  Joey and Chandler use their knees as a table to support the lasagna.]

Chandler: Ok, so it's just because it was my table, I have to buy a new one?

Joey: That's the rule.

Chandler: What rule? There's no rule, if anything, you owe me a table!

Joey: How'd you get to that?

Chandler: Well, I believe the piece of furniture was fine until your little breakfast adventure with Angela Delvecchio

Joey: You knew about that?

Chandler: Well, let's just say the impressions you made in the butter left little to the imagination.

Joey: Ok, ok, How about if we split it?

Chandler: What do you mean, like, buy it together?

Joey: Yeah

Chandler: You think we're ready for something like that?

Joey: Why not?

Chandler: Well, it's a pretty big commitment, I mean, what if one of us wants to move out?

Joey: Why, are you moving out?

Chandler: I'm not moving out.

Joey: You'd tell me if you were moving out right

Chandler: Yeah, yeah, it's just that with my last roommate Kip...

Joey: Aw, I know all about Kip!

Chandler: It's just that we bought a hibachi together, and then he ran off and got married, and things got pretty ugly.

Joey: Well, let me ask you something, was Kip a better roommate than me?

Chandler: Aw, don't do that

[Scene: Phoebe's Massage Parlor, Phoebe's assistant is telling her about the changes to her schedule.]

Phoebe's Assistant: We've got a couple changes in your schedule. Your 4:00 herbal massage has been pushed back to 4:30 and Miss Somerfield canceled her 5:30 shiatsu.

Phoebe: Ok, thanks. (assistant leaves, then walks back in)

Phoebe's Assistant: Oh, here comes your 3:00. I don't mean to sound unprofessional, but, yum (walks out, Paolo enters)

Paolo: Buon Giorno, Bella Phoebe!

Phoebe: Oh, Paolo, hi, what are you doing here?

Paolo: Uh, Racquela tell me you massage, eh?

Phoebe: Well, Racquela's right, yeah!

(Paolo speaks Italian)

Phoebe: Oh, okay, I don't know what you just said, so let's get started.

Paolo: Uh, I am, uh, being naked?

Phoebe: Um, that's really your decision, I mean, some people prefer, you know, to take off...oh whoops! You're being naked!

[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.]

Rachel: (to Ross) I can't believe you don't want to know. I mean, I couldn't not know, I mean, if, if the doctor knows, and Carol knows, and Susan knows....

Monica: And Monica knows...

Ross: Wha, heh, how could you know, I don't even know!

Monica: Carol called me to thank me for the lasagna, I asked, she told me.

Joey: So what's it gonna be? (Monica whispers in Joey's ear. Ross gets up and waves arms frantically in protest)

Ross: Wait—oh—hey—huh, oh great now he knows, and I don't know!

Monica: I'm sorry, I'm just excited about being an aunt!

Joey: Or an uncle...

(Phoebe enters)

Joey and Chandler: Hey Phoebe!

Ross: Hi Pheebs!

Rachel: Pheebs!

Phoebe: Fine!

Monica: Phoebe, what's the matter?

Phoebe: Nothing, I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm out of sorts.

Customer: Hey, can we get some cappuccino over here?

Rachel: Oh, right, that's me!

Joey: Hey, Chandler, that table place closes at 7, come on.

Chandler: Fine. (Joey and Chandler walk towards the door)

Monica: Phoebe, what is it?

Phoebe: All right, you know Paolo?

Ross: I'm familiar with his work, yes...

Phoebe: Well, he made a move on me.

(Joey and Chandler come back)

Joey: Whoa, store will be open tomorrow!

Chandler: More coffee over here, please!

Commercial Break

[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]

Monica: Well, what happened?

Phoebe: Well, he came in for a massage, and everything was fine until. (A flashback starts Paolo, lying on massage table, moving his hands up Phoebe's legs.)

[Cut back to Central Perk.]

Joey and Chandler:  Ooooohh!

Ross: My God.

Monica: Are you sure?

(The flashback resumes with Paolo grabbing her butt.)

[Cut back to Central Perk.]

Phoebe: Oh yeah, I'm sure. (Flashback resumes with Phoebe doing a voiceover.) And all of a sudden his hands weren't the problem anymore. (Flashback continues: Paolo rolls over, Phoebe looks down, then quickly looks up, bites lip, shakes her head)

Monica: Was it...?

Phoebe: Oh, boy scouts could have camped under there.

Guys: Oooooo....

(Rachel runs over)

Rachel: "Ooo," what?

Phoebe: Uma Thurman.

Monica: Oh!

Ross: The actress!

(all talking indistinctly, high-fiving)

Ross: Thanks Rach.

(Rachel walks away)

Chandler: So what are you gonna do?

Ross: You have to tell her! You have to tell her! It's your moral obligation, as a friend, as a woman, I think it's a feminist issue! Guys? Guys? (waiting for guys to chime in)

Chandler: Oh, yeah, you have to tell her.

Joey: Feminist issue. That's where I went!

Phoebe: She is gonna hate me.

Ross:(sympathetic yet...) Yeah, well...

[Scene: The Table Store, Joey and Chandler and looking for their new table.]

Joey: Will you pick one, just pick one! Here, how about that one? (points to a table)

Chandler: That's patio furniture!

Joey: So what, like people are gonna come in and think, "Uh-oh, I'm outside again?" Of course!

Chandler: (gesturing towards another table) What about the birds?

Joey: I don't know, birds just don't say, "Hello, sit here, eat something."

Chandler: You pick one.

Joey: All right, how about the ladybugs?

Chandler: Oh, so, forget about the birds, but big red insects suggest fine dining!

Joey: Fine, you want to get the birds, get the birds!

Chandler: Not like that, I won't! (pauses) Kip would have liked the birds! (Joey turns and gives Chandler a dirty look)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel folding and packing clothes in suitcases as Phoebe enters.]

Phoebe: Hey!

Rachel: Hi Pheebs!

Phoebe: Are you moving out?

Rachel: No, these aren't all my suitcases. (picks up small blue suitcase and shows to Phoebe) This one's Paolo's.

Phoebe: Um, um, Rachel can we talk for a sec?

Rachel: Well, sure...just a sec, though, 'cause Paolo's on his way over.

Phoebe: Oh! (sits down) Ok, um, ok, um,

Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, Pheebs...

Phoebe: Ok, um, (clears throat) we haven't known each other for that long a time, and, um, there are three things that you should know about me. One, my friends are the most important thing in my life, two, I never lie, and three, I make the best oatmeal raisin cookies in the world. (Phoebe opens a tin and offers Rachel a cookie)

Rachel: (taking cookie) Ok, thanks Pheebs (takes bite of cookie, overwhelmed) Oh my God, why have I never tasted these before?!

Phoebe: Oh, I don't make them a lot because I don't think it's fair to the other cookies

Rachel: All right, well, you're right, these are the best oatmeal cookies I've ever had.

Phoebe: Which proves that I never lie.

Rachel: I guess you don't.

Phoebe: Paolo made a pass at me.

(Rachel looks stunned)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Chandler, Joey, and Monica admiring their new table.]

Chandler: So, what do you think?

Ross: I think It's the most beautiful table I've ever seen.

Chandler: I know!

(The camera pans back to reveal Joey and Chandler's new foosball table.)

Monica: So how does this work, you going to balance the plates on these little guys' heads?

Joey: Who cares, we'll eat at the sink! Come on, let's play!

Monica: Heads up Ross! (Monica scores on Chandler and Joey) Score! (points at Chandler) You suck!

(Chandler looks at Joey in amazement)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is recovering from the shock.]

Phoebe: Are you okay?

Rachel: I need some milk.

Phoebe: Ok, I've got milk (takes thermos from her bag and starts to pour a cup) Here you go... (Rachel drinks straight from thermos) Oh!(Rachel finishes thermos) Better?

Rachel: No...oh, I feel so stupid! Oh, I think about the other day with you guys and I was all "Oh, Paolo, he's so great, he makes me feel so..." Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed!

Phoebe: I'm so embarrassed, I'm the one he hit on!

(Phoebe's and Rachel's lines overlap)

Rachel: Pheebs, if I had never met him this never would have happened!

Rachel and Phoebe: I'm so sorry! No I'm sorry! No I'm sorry! No I'm sorry!

Phoebe: No, wait, oh, what are we sorry about?

Rachel: I don't know...right, he's the pig!

Phoebe: Such a pig!

Rachel: Oh, God, he's such a pig,

Phoebe: Oh he's like a...

Rachel: He's like a big disgusting...

Phoebe: ...like a...

Rachel: ...pig...pig man!

Phoebe: Yes, good! Ok...

Rachel: (voice wavers) Oh, but he was my pig man...how did I not see this?

Phoebe: (raises hand) Oh! I know! (Rachel startled) It's because... he's gorgeous, and he's charming, and when he looks at you...

Rachel: Ok, Ok, Pheebs...

Phoebe: The end.

Rachel: Oh, God...

Phoebe: Should I not have told you?

Rachel: No, no, trust, me, it's, it's, it's much better that I know. Uh, I just liked it better before it was better...

(Phoebe scoots her chair over to Rachel and hugs her)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is telling everyone how it went across the hall as the foosball game continues.]

Phoebe: I think she took it pretty well. You know Paolo's over there right now, so...

Monica: We should get over there and see if she's okay. (switching places with Ross) Just one...second! Score! (Monica scores, high-fives with Ross) Game! Come on. (Monica and Phoebe leave)

Ross: (wiping his brow) Ah...ooh! Well, looks like, uh, we kicked your butts.

Joey: No-no, she kicked our butts. You could be on the Olympic standing-there team.

Ross: Come on, two on one.

Chandler: What are you still doing here? She just broke up with the guy, it's time for you to swoop in!

Ross: What, now?

Joey: Yes, now is when you swoop! You gotta make sure that when Paolo walks out of there, the first guy Rachel sees is you, She's gotta know that you're everything he's not! You're like, like the anti-Paolo!

Chandler: My Catholic friend is right. She's distraught. You're there for her. You pick up the pieces, and then you usher in the age of Ross! (Ross and Chandler look off into the distance. Joey, wondering what they are looking at, looks in the same direction)

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is throwing Paolo's clothes over the side.]

Paolo: No, that's cold, that's cold, that's...

[Cut to inside the apartment.]

Ross: (entering) How's it going?

Monica: Don't stare. Now she just finished throwing his clothes off the balcony, now there's just a lot of gesturing and arm-waving, (shows Rachel gesturing with hands in front of her chest), Ok, that is either, "How could you?" or, "Enormous breasts!" Here he comes!

Phoebe: Ooh!

(Paolo enters. Ross, Phoebe, and Monica scatter)

Paolo: Uh, I am, uh, to say good-bye.

Phoebe: Oh, ok bye-bye.

Monica: Paolo, I really hate you for what you did to Rachel, (hands him a lasagna) but I still have five of these, so heat it at 375 until the cheese bubbles.

Paolo: Grazie.

Ross: Paolo, I-I just want to tell you and I think I speak for everyone when I say... (shuts door in his face and walks away)

Phoebe: Oh, just look at her... (girls move toward Rachel on the balcony)

Ross: Oh you guys, I-I really think just one of us should go out there so she's not overwhelmed...

Monica: Oh, you're right.

Ross: (pulls Monica back) ...and I really think it should be me.

[Cut to the balcony, Ross has just climbed through the window.]

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: You all right?

Rachel: Ooh, I've been better...

Ross: Come here. (he hugs Rachel) Listen, you deserve so much better than him...you know, I mean, you, you, you should be with a guy who knows what he has when he has you.

Rachel: Oh, Ross...

Ross: What?

Rachel: I am so sick of guys. I don't want to look at another guy, I don't want to think about another guy, I don't even want to be near another guy. (Ross crosses arms)

Ross: Huh.

Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great!

Ross: Ohhhh (Hugs her and sighs)

[Cut to inside the apartment, Rachel and Ross are entering.]

Monica: Ooh...hey honey, are you all right?

Rachel: Oh...

Phoebe: You ok?

Rachel: ...medium...hmm...any cookies left?

Phoebe: Yep!

Ross: See, Rach, uh, see, I don't think that swearing off guys altogether is the answer. I really don't. I think that what you need is to develop a more sophisticated screening process.

Rachel: No. I just need to be by myself for a while, you know? I just got to figure out what I want

Ross: Uh, no, no, see, because not...not all guys are going to be a Paolo.

Rachel: No, I know, I know, and I'm sure your little boy is not going to grow up to be one.

Ross: (astonished) What?

Rachel: What?

Ross: I-I'm, I'm having a boy?

Rachel: Uh...no. No, no, in fact, you're not having a boy.

Ross: Wha-I'm having, I'm having a boy! (babbling) Huh, am I having a boy?

Girls: Yes, you're having a boy! (Monica runs over and hugs Ross)

Ross: I'm having a boy! Oh, I'm having a boy!

(Joey and Chandler run in)

Chandler: Wha-

Joey: Wha-

Joey and Chandler: What is it?

Ross: I'm having a boy! I-I'm having a boy!

Joey: Hey!

Chandler: Hey!

Joey and Chandler: We already knew that! (they hug)

Ross: I'm having a son. Um...

(Ross looks scared)

Closing Credits

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Monica is busy killing Chandle and Joey at foosball.]

Monica: Yes! And that would be a shut-down!

Joey and Chandler: Shut-out!! (They both start heading for their rooms.)

Monica: Where are you guys going? Come on, one more game!

Joey: Uh, it's 2:30 in the morning!

Chandler: Yeah, get out!

Monica: You guys are always hanging out in my apartment! Come on, I'll only use my left hand, huh? Come on, wussies! (Joey and Chandler pick her up) All right, ok, I gotta go. I'm going, (they throw her out) and I'm gone.

Chandler: (to Joey) One more game?

Joey: Oh yeah!

End

111. The One With Mrs. Bing

[Scene: A Street: Monica and Phoebe are walking to a newsstand.]

Phoebe: Do you think they have yesterday's daily news?

Monica: Why?

Phoebe: Just wanna check my horoscope, see if it was right.

Monica: Oh my God. (Grabs Phoebe and turns her away) Phoebe. Don't look now, but behind us is a guy who has the potential to break our hearts and plunge us into a pit of depression.

Phoebe: Where? (Turns to face him) Ooh, come to Momma.

Monica: He's coming. Be cool, be cool, be cool.

(The guy walks past them)

Guy: Nice hat.

Monica and Phoebe: (in unison) Thanks.

(The guy walks on)

Phoebe: We should do something. Whistle.

Monica: We are not going to whistle.

Phoebe: Come on, do it.

Monica: No!

Phoebe: Do it!

Monica: No!

Phoebe: Do it do it do it!

Monica: (Shouts to the guy) Woo-woo!

(The guy turns round, startled. Monica points to Phoebe. The guy gets hit by a truck)

Phoebe: I can't believe you did that!

Opening Credits

[Scene: Hospital, the guy is in a coma and Mon and Pheebs are visiting.]

Monica: Why did I 'woo-hoo'? I mean, what was I hoping would happen? That-that he'd turn round and say 'I love that sound, I must have you now'?

Phoebe: I just wish there was something we could do. (Bends down and talks to him) Hello. Hello, Coma Guy. GET UP, YOU GIRL SCOUT! UP! UP! UP!

Monica: Phoebe, what are you doing?

Phoebe: Maybe nobody's tried this.

Monica: I wish we at least knew his name... Look at that face. I mean, even sleeping, he looks smart. I bet he's a lawyer.

Phoebe: Yeah, but did you see the dents in his knuckles? That means he's artistic.

Monica: Okay, he's a lawyer, who teaches sculpting on the side. And- he can dance!

Phoebe: Oh! And, he's the kinda guy who, when you're talking, he's listening, y'know, and not saying 'Yeah, I understand' but really wondering what you look like naked.

Monica: I wish all guys could be like him.

Phoebe: I know.

[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica and Phoebe are telling everyone about their coma guy.]

Chandler: Are there no conscious men in the city for you two?

Monica: He doesn't have anyone.

Phoebe: Yeah, we-we feel kinda responsible.

Joey: I can't believe you said woowoo. I don't even say woowoo.

Rachel: Oh, she's coming up! She's coming up! (Turns on the TV)

Jay Leno: (on TV) Folks, when we come back we'll be talking about her new book, 'Euphoria Unbound': the always interesting Nora Tyler Bing. You might wanna put the kids to bed for this one.

(Everyone has settled down to watch, except Chandler)

Chandler: Y'know, we don't have to watch this. Weekend At Bernie's is on Showtime, HBO, and Cinemax.

Rachel: No way, forget it.

Joey: C'mon, she's your mom!

Chandler: Exactly. Weekend At Bernie's! Dead guy getting hit in the groin twenty, thirty times! No?

Rachel: Chandler, I gotta tell you, I love your mom's books! I love her books! I cannot get on a plane without one! I mean, this is so cool!

Chandler: Yeah, well, you wouldn't think it was cool if you're eleven years old and all your friends are passing around page 79 of 'Mistress Bitch.'

Ross: C'mon, Chandler, I love your mom. I think she's a blast.

Chandler: You can say that because she's not your mom.

Ross: Oh, please...

(Rachel opens the door to Paolo)

Paolo: Bona sera.

Rachel: Oh, hi sweetie. (They kiss)

Ross: When did Rigatoni get back from Rome?

Monica: Last night.

Ross: Ah, so then his plane didn't explode in a big ball of fire?... Just a dream I had- but, phew.

Phoebe: Hey hey hey! She's on!

Paolo: Ah! Nora Bing!

Jay Leno: (on TV) ...Now what is this about you-you being arrested i-in London? What is that all about?

Phoebe: Your mom was arrested?

Chandler: Shhh, busy beaming with pride.

Mrs. Bing: (on TV) ...This is kind of embarrassing, but occasionally after I've been intimate with a man...

Chandler: Now why would she say that's embarrassing?

All: Shhh.

Mrs. Bing: (on TV) ...I just get this craving for Kung Pow Chicken.

Chandler: THAT'S TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!

Jay Leno: (on TV) Alright, so now you're doing this whole book tour thing, how is that going?

Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Oh, fine. I'm leaving for New York tomorrow, which I hate- but I get to see my son, who I love...

All: Awww!

Chandler: This is the way that I find out. Most moms use the phone.

Jay Leno: (on TV) Y'know, don't take this wrong, I-I just don't see you a-as a mom, somehow.. I don't mean that, I don't mean that bad...

Mrs. Bing: (on TV) Oh no, I am a fabulous mom! I bought my son his first condoms.

(The gang turn to look at Chandler)

Chandler: ...And then he burst into flames.

[Scene: The Hospital, it's a montage of Monica and Phoebe's visit to the hospital with My Guy playing in the background.  It starts with Monica reading a newspaper to him.]

Monica: Let's see. Congress is debating a new deficit reduction bill... the mayor wants to raise subway fares again... the high today was forty-five... and- oh, teams played sports.

[Next is a shot of them dragging an enormous plant into the room, then Monica knitting a sweater, then Phoebe singing, then Phoebe shaving him and chatting to Monica]

Phoebe: What about Glen? He could be a Glen.

Monica: Nah... not-not special enough.

Phoebe: Ooh! How about Agamemnon?

Monica: Waaay too special.

[Scene: A Mexican Restaurant, Monica, Phoebe, Joey, Chandler and his mom are there.]

Mrs. Bing: I am famished. What do I want... (Looks at Chandler's menu)

Chandler: Please God don't let it be Kung Pow Chicken.

Mrs. Bing: Oh, you watched the show! What'd you think?

Chandler: Well, I think you need to come out of your shell just a little.

Ross: (Entering) What is this dive? Only you could've picked this place.

Mrs. Bing: Oooh, c'mon, shut up, it's fun. Gimme a hug. (They both sit down) Well, I think we're ready for some tequila.

Chandler: I know I am.

Mrs. Bing: Who's doing shots?

Monica: Yeah.

Phoebe: I'm in.

Mrs. Bing: There y'go. Ross?

Ross: Uh, I'm not really a shot drinking kinda guy.

(Enter Rachel and Paolo. They are both somewhat flustered)

Rachel: Hi! Sorry- sorry we're late, we, uh, kinda just, y'know, lost track of time.

Ross: ...But a man can change. (Downs a shot)

[Time lapse. Ross is now clearly drunk. He is holding up a shot glass to his eye like a jeweller's eye.]

Ross: Anyone want me to appraise anything?

(Rachel feeds something to Paolo. He eats it and licks her hand)

Rachel: Mrs. Bing, I have to tell you, I've read everything you've ever written. No, I mean it! I mean, when I read Euphoria at Midnight, all I wanted to do was become a writer.

Mrs. Bing: Oh, please, honey, listen, if I can do it, anybody can. You just start with half a dozen European cities, throw in thirty euphemisms for male genitalia, and bam! You have got yourself a book.

Chandler: Myyy mother, ladies and gentlemen.

[Cut to Mrs. Bing on the telephone.]

Mrs. Bing: Yeah, any messages for room 226?

(Ross emerges from a toilet marked 'Chicas')

Mrs. Bing: You okay there, slugger?

Ross: Yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine. (A woman emerges from the toilet behind him and he tries to pretend he was in the other one)

Mrs. Bing: What is with you tonight?

Ross: Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing.

Mrs. Bing: (To phone) Okay, thank you. (To Ross) It's the Italian Hand-Licker, isn't it.

Ross: No. It's the one he's licking.

Mrs. Bing: She's supposed to be with you.

Ross: You're good.

Mrs. Bing: Oh, Ross, listen to me. I have sold a hundred million copies of my books, and y'know why?

Ross: The girl on the cover with her nipples showing?

Mrs. Bing: No. Because I know how to write men that women fall in love with. Believe me, I cannot sell a Paolo. People will not turn three hundred twenty-five pages for a Paolo. C'mon, the guy's a secondary character, a, y'know, complication you eventually kill off.

Ross: When?

Mrs. Bing: He's not a hero. ...You know who our hero is.

Ross: The guy on the cover with his nipples showing?

Mrs. Bing: No, it's you!

Ross: Please.

Mrs. Bing: No, really, c'mon. You're smart, you're sexy...

Ross: Right.

Mrs. Bing: You are gonna be fine, believe me.

(She kisses him on the cheek)

Ross: Uh-oh...

(...Then full on the mouth)

(Enter Joey)

Joey: Uhhhh.... I'll just pee in the street.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the next morning. Joey is getting the door in his dressing gown—it's Ross.]

Ross: Hey, is Chandler here?

Joey: Yeah.

(Ross drags Joey into the hall and slams the door)

Ross: Okay, uh, about last night, um, Chandler.. you didn't tell... (Joey shakes his head) Okay, 'cause I'm thinking- we don't need to tell Chandler, I mean, it was just a kiss, right? One kiss? No big deal? Right?

Joey: Right. No big deal.

Ross: Okay.

Joey: In Bizarro World!! You broke the code!

Ross: What code?

Joey: You don't kiss your friend's mom! Sisters are okay, maybe a hot-lookin' aunt... but not a mom, never a mom!

(Chandler opens the door and startles them. He picks up the paper)

Chandler: What are you guys doing out here?

Ross: Uh.. uh.. Well, Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game. But, um, apparently, somebody overslept.

Joey: Yeah, well, you don't have your racket.

Ross: No, no I don't, because it's being restrung, somebody was supposed to bring me one.

Joey: Yeah, well you didn't call and leave your grip size.

Chandler: Okay, you guys spend waaaay too much time together. (Goes back inside and shuts the door)

Ross: Okay, I'm scum, I'm scum.

Joey: Ross, how could you let this happen?

Ross: I don't know, God, I... well, it's not like she's a regular mom, y'know? She's, she's sexy, she's...

Joey: You don't think my mom's sexy?

Ross: Well... not in the same way...

Joey: I'll have you know that Gloria Tribbiani was a handsome woman in her day, alright? You think it's easy giving birth to seven children?

Ross: Okay, I think we're getting into a weird area here...

(Monica and Rachel's door opens and Rachel and Paolo emerge)

Rachel: Hey.

Ross: Hey.

Rachel: What're you guys doing out here?

Ross: Well, not playing raquetball!

Joey: He forgot to leave his grip size!

Ross: He didn't get the goggles!

Rachel: Well,sounds like you two have issues.

(She and Paolo walk a little way down the hall)

Rachel: Goodbye, baby.

Paolo: Ciao, bela.

(They kiss. Ross is watching them)

Ross: Do they wait for me to do this?

(Joey and Ross go into Monica and Rachel's apartment)

Joey: So are you gonna tell him?

Ross: Why would I tell him?

Joey: How about 'cause if you don't, his mother might.

Ross: Oh...

Monica: (Entering) What are you guys doing here?

Joey: Uhhhh.... he's not even wearing a jockstrap!

Monica: ...What did I ask?

[Scene: Hospital. Phoebe is there stroking Coma Guy's hair, when Monica enters with a bunch of balloons.]

Monica: Hi.

Phoebe: Hi.

Monica: What are you doing here?

Phoebe: Nothing, I just thought I'd stop by.. y'know, after the uh... that I.. y'know, so what are you doing here?

Monica: I'm not really here. Just thought I'd drop these off...on the way.. my way... Do you come here a lot? Without me?

Phoebe: No. (Monica brushes Coma Guy's hair in the other direction) No! No! ...So, um, do you think he's doing any better than he was this morning?

Monica: How would I know? I-I wasn't here.

Phoebe: Really? Not even to, um, change his PAJAMAS?! (Whips back the sheet to reveal him wearing new pajamas.)

[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross is talking to Chandler. Joey is making a snack at the bar.]

Chandler: Oh my God.

Ross: You're my friend. I-I had to tell you.

Chandler: I can't believe it. Paolo kissed my mom?

Ross: Yeah, um, I don't know if you noticed, but he had a lot to drink, and you know how he gets when he's drun..uh... (He has caught sight of Joey scowling at him) I can't do this, I did it, it was me, I'm sorry, I kissed your mom.

Chandler: What?

Ross: I was really upset about Rachel and Paolo, and I think I had too much tequila, and Nora- um, Mrs. Mom- your Bing- was just being nice, y'know, and- But nothing happened, nothing- Ask Joey, Joey, uh, came in-

Chandler: (To Joey) You knew about this?

Joey: Uh... y'know, knowledge is a tricky thing.

Chandler: I spent the entire day with you, why didn't you tell me?!

Joey: Hey, hey, hey, you're lucky I caught them when I did, or else who knows what woulda happened.

Ross: Thanks, man, big help.